This isn't entirely happy.
Nerdfighteria was always a thing hanging around in the background for me, through my bizarre, oddball and downright glorious journey through TARDIStacular-Chameleon Circuit-5AG-Charlie-Alex-All Caps-Alex Carpenter ETC ETC. I had seen a couple of videos, but only in the last six months or so I've actually been watching/even subscribing to the lovely Green brothers. Let's just say I had some pretty effing stupid misconceptions in my head. And I love them. I do. I love their enthusiasm. I love John, and John's books, and I love Hank.
But I worry. I worry that I think watching YouTube videos is some kind of intensive training for how I'm going to be, and how I'll live my life, eventually, but it scares me beyond belief that I'm not going out there and doing the living, that I'm being exposed to this brilliant, creative, hysterical way of life from all these amazing vloggers and I can never achieve any of that and maybe I would have been happier plodding along without having the window through which I can peek out and see young twenty-somethings running around London, or not-so-young kids running around LA, and I'm sure some of it IS just an act, cos who doesn't pretend that their life is better than it is? All I want to do is grow up, but I'm so scared it won't be how I see it from these influences. I sit alone watching videos, and my mother comes in and says "I worry about you in here on your own." But I HAVE TO. Or else I'll be properly miserable, and know nothing else of the Great Perhaps, and I'll be her.
See how "not entirely happy" this turned out to be? I'll chuck in a bit of optimism here. I love that through introducing my friends to Alex, they've embraced their nerdfightastic awesome. I love that one of my closest friends loves literally everything I do as a complete coincidence, (I MEAN EVERYTHING) and we've just stumbled across each other from being in the same Drama class for years but she did the Starkid totally awesome sign and I nearly jumped on her. I love that Alex Day holds a tied place in my heart with Darren Criss as my two favourite everythings, and that Alex has made me realise it's okay to be sarcastic and negative but you can still be lovely, and Alex's Granger Danger cover was what finally pushed me to watch Starkid, which my friend had been sticking into my ear and bugging me to watch properly for months.
I owe a great deal of my limited, precious, rarely acknowledged confidence/happiness/acceptance of my outer nerd to the jumble of madness that is Nerdfighteria and everything that springs from it.
*Does ironic jumping and landing with a stupid facial expression and arms splayed into the nerdfighter sign*
..This is a wee bit pretentious of me. This is basically my NaNoWriMo substitution. Oh, the NaNoGuilt.
