#nisanadiah

[nisanadiah]

050616

Goodbye doesn't necessarily mean forever when you are separated by death. More often than not, I see people say silent goodbye for a relationship in which both parties are no longer interested in making effort to stay in touch with each other. Even the ones that you thought you'd never lose. They leave with no warning. It makes me wonder, how we end up not talking anymore to people who we used to be close to. How and when did it go wrong? Once, they were the ones who we shared every little thing that occurred in our life and spent each night with, talking about the future. And the next time we knew, they became strangers who left us with memories. When you bid a farewell to someone, how does "let's keep in touch" even lasts before you start fading from his/her mind ? Are they merely words of assurance with no effort to keep those words ? Just wondering about this because I realised that I ended up not talking anymore to some people who used to be close to me (or I thought so)

[nisanadiah]

270516

I hate this feeling. I always hate this feeling. Being a pessimistic since I was a kid, I often have negative thoughts that I will do bad in everything and as a consequence, will receive bad result as well. That is just something that I can’t get off of my mind. I just am. Insecurities kill me. Especially when it comes to answering questions in examinations. But.

You know that devastated feeling when you’re not confident with your answers and can already expect the grade that you will obtain for a particular subject, so there comes your thought “Ya Allah, I will be more than grateful if I achieve (fill in the blank). Hence, you pray everyday that you willl AT LEAST receive something that you consider is acceptable for yourself.

Then, comes the day. Surprisingly, you receive good result. Better than expected. Better than what you wish for. Somehow, thoughts cross your mind : ‘If only I get better than this’ or ‘I know that I could have done more’ . You completely forgot that you were once that desperate person who only wished for something minimum.

That, is what I feel right now. Partially guilty that I’m being so ungrateful when He has given me more than what I’ve asked. It’s not a bad result at all, alhamdulillah.But maybe, just maybe, I’ve gotten used to put high expectations on myself. Perhaps that’s why people always say that expectations lead to disappointment. I’ve gotten used to get what I wish for. Perhaps that leads me to become someone who takes everything lightly. When I compare myself between who I was during my final semester and earlier two semesters, I finally got an answer.

Tajdid niat belajar kerana Allah. Dan paling penting, macamana sibuk sekalipun, jangan pernah abaikan hubungan dengan Dia. 

[nisanadiah]

190516

I wonder

if after all this while

it was just me

and my feeling

[nisanadiah]

040516

And even her lips utter the word let go ; a piece of her is still consciously holding on to the colourful canvas of memories that they've once painted together, picturing the moments are yet to be over - with people whom she thought would stay forever. But regrettably her definition of forever isn't the same as theirs, is it ?

[nisanadiah]

270416

Someone once said this to me “You put high expectations on everything and that explains why you often end up being disappointed”. Partially, that is somehow true. I put high expectations on people, on things, on myself and since final is just around the corner, it’s just inevitable for me to expect good result (but nothing works without effort though). Yes, more often than not I feel devastated when things don’t fall into place but there’s an inexplicable feeling that makes me feel eager to obtain something even more. And because of that, having high expectation isn’t really a bad thing in my opinion. Sometimes, it does motivate you (in case of exams, but when it comes to people i am just as helpless lol) 

Having high expectation on people is an entirely different thing. I am someone who gets easily and overly attached to people. Once I get comfortable around people, istg I will bother them for the rest of their lives lmao. Hence why, I am usually devastated when they put a distance between us (i understand that some people don’t like others being clingy but it’s just unavoidable...)

I have no idea what’s the point of me posting this. I just feel like writing since I received my carry mark for IRK just now and it wasn’t as good as how I expected it to be lololol but still, alhamdulillah it wasn’t a bad mark ! To conclude, we, humans are bound to expect great things but do bear in mind to draw a line because some things are not within our controls. Rely on Him, and you will never feel disappointed. 

Good luck for everyone who’s going to take final exam, allah yuftah alaikum ! To quote what one of my favourite lecturers once said, 

“grades aren’t everything -it is more about the ability to retain the knowledge even though you have graduated”

[nisanadiah]

170416

I couldn’t sleep at all the night before and wanted to eat Boat Noodle so bad. Guess that caffeine was the one to be blamed for my sleeping problem ( mind you I drank 3 cans of nescafe ice on that day). So, my roomates and I went out there for a dinner to fulfill my craving (yay). While waiting for our food, I looked around and saw a couple eating together a few tables away from us. I asked Sarah 

Me : “What kind of topics do couple talk about while going out on a date ? ( translation : why would people even date when they could do the same thing like friends do lol ) 

Sarah : just normal things like sharing stories, how they go through the days, etc

Me : What if I don’t want to listen to his stories and I don’t want to tell him about mine ?

Sarah : No, you won’t do that. That’s one thing about being in a relationship.

Hahahahahahahaha so cheesy I couldn’t help but to laugh because as she was saying that, I accidentally imagined how my date was going to be like.

Person : How are you ?

Me : Fine thanks

Person : Sooo how was your day ?

Me : Good

Person : Do you want to talk about it ?

Me : No

Person : Do you want to listen to mine ?

Me : No

Person : …………….

Me : ……………

LOL LOL LOL LOL I couldn’t think of anyone who willingly wants to be with a boring me for the rest of his life hahahahahahaha

[nisanadiah]

160416

4 presentations. 3 assignments. 2 quizzes. And it still surprises me that I did nothing today. Been relaxing way too much this semester. I should feel embarrassed of myself but still, I have yet to feel like doing anything. Everything is just overwhelming. I feel like talking to someone right now. About my day, how stressful it is as the foundation year is coming to an end, how sometimes I feel so awkward around some people but can freely talk to several others, the burden that I feel when people look up to me when I realize that I’m  so ordinary, sharing jokes that I find funny so other people can also experience the joy of laughing, just random things that pop out in my mind. Scrolling through my contact list, I just couldn’t find the right person to talk about all of these things. 

Hmm.

[nisanadiah]

270316

I am terribly guilty right now.

I felt depressed a few hours ago,  mainly because I had to deal with a few people who were tactless, and finish tons of assignments with due dates around the corner. So frustrating that I couldn’t control my emotion and ended up crying. I was so mad at myself. For being weak and letting others took me for granted.

But then.

Within an hour, He blessed me with countless beautiful things to mend my heart. I received a good mark for my Business paper, alhamdulillah. A stranger sent me motivating messages personally. I got a new friend lol. And three best friends of mine coincidentally whatsapp-ed me at the same time. What’s there not to be happy about ?

And so I thought, Why did I let the negative vibes to take over myself when I could simply use the little things to make me feel better ? We keep complaining, yet we fail to notice miraculous blessings that He showers upon us.