Rochelle: wow she's really mean John Dicktective: you ever mean to the kids at work? Me: couple of times... but usually I get someone to help me or I fix it when I see them another day later... usually it's a special ed kid that I don't know is in special ed or has anger management and we block heads. It's happened a handful of times, I mean less... John: about once a year? me: about, or so... It's to be expected to happen. At that job it's tough. Unlike Jesse I really try to focus on the problems I see and on not being the problem. So I try to fix it... it's like driving... sometimes you over correct and go off the road Rochelle: very good freedom. Me: I try... it's best to think of now... as an open window to the future. Yeah I may never see a kid again, I may never meet one that is absent... but usually I do... I carry a reputation at work. John Dicktective: well are you nice? Me: I'm the pushover. John Dicktective: well that's no surprising Rochelle: no it isn't Me: it's not at all. But they realize I'm touch where it counts. For each kid it's different. Jobe, uncannily, it's my soul. Most others it's a mutual respect for fellow humans. Each kid has a need and a desire. And they all look at me for different things at different times. I yell at one kid.. some kids don't notice and they see me being a pushover. Sometimes they see in me what they want.. sometimes what they need. But it's those kids that see what they need and want in me that makes a difference. Some get both from Me but don't know how to proceed from there. John Dicktective: that makes it tough Me: Jesse's one of those kids. I love him... but John Dicktective: he's not doing any good for you, his kids or himself. I see that and that's why I think we should forge ahead on this rape case. He isn't going to listen to you to make his work Me: apparently not. At any rate Joe is getting more out of control. And then I need to get Denise to shut up and he's refused to help me and he's completely unreliable and I don't see it ever changing. Maybe I'm being harsh but that's the way I see it and it doesn't matter how much progress he makes he will always destroy it. John Dicktective: so you want to go to a safe house? Me: what am I doing here? John Dicktective: not a goddam thing Me: exactly meanwhile everything is getting worse and what next? He comes and you're all 5 seconds too late? John Dicktective: it can happen Me: I'm not trying to say yall are bad or can't do your job. You have all gone way above the call of duty. And for many good reasons. But the truth is the same. Vanessa could have broken my window and climbed in and killed me before I ever got the phone to call 911. And I did, immediately and I know Rochelle did what she needed to do... but still. Jesse acts like everyone and everything is going to be okay. Obviously in his life it's been proven wrong. John Dicktective: you don't want to be Pierre. Me: no why would i? I'm sure Pierre didn't want to be Pierre. I certainly don't want to be me when Jesse acts like he does. I'm so tired of it! All I'm going to do is spend the rest of my life trusting him when he lies and then being disappointed and pissed off. May as well put me in a safe house to close out Joe before Jesse kills me. Who knows how much more my heart can take... because it's not taking much of anything well. John Dicktective: you work, how is it there? Me: some days it can be really bad John Dicktective: so work really doesn't make a difference? Me: no... but yes... sometimes it can make it worse John Dicktective: has that happened? Me: yeah alot John Dicktective: how often? Me: once a month.. sometimes more.. sometimes less.
