#no goddess

[amanda-louise12001]

[jamieacquaatyourservice]

[[So earlier this summer I thought maybe the idea to write my ideas down might be a play (it didn't work). But I just found the first like scene and two minutes and here it is 'cause it made me giggle.

[[On a street, early in the morning, a man stands, waiting for a bus. This is AARON; he has his suit jacket thrown over his arm and a hat on his head. As he waits, he plays with his phone, awkwardly checks for the bus, and the like. He’s going to be late for work.

[[After a few minutes of nothing, there’s suddenly the sound of footsteps; AARON looks up to see a girl, JAMIE, charging on from stage left; she wears a tank top, stumbles over flat sandals, has a book bag thrown over one shoulder, and has hair flying all over the place. She charges past AARON, who stares, and slides, stops, turns, and looks at him.]]

JAMIE: You!

[[AARON looks surprised, but there’s no time to say anything; JAMIE runs back to him, grabs the coat from over his arm and puts it on, takes the hat from his head and wears it, taking a second to tuck her hair up under it, and throws her bag under the bus bench. Finally, she grabs AARON and kisses him passionately.

[[As she does, two OFFICERS run onstage from the direction she came, looking around wildly as they cross, paying no mind to AARON and JAMIE- mostly because she has him angled so that his back is always facing the officers. Even after they go, though, she continues kiss him for a moment.

[[When she finally does pull away, AARON is stunned, hardly able to move, and in fact stares as JAMIE looks over his shoulder and grabs her bag. After another second, though, she beams.]]

JAMIE: Thank you!

[[Saying nothing more, she runs back the way she came, leaving him staring after. It’s only after she’s long gone that he looks down at himself and gets an upset look on his face.]]

AARON: That’s my coat!

[[He seems to consider going after her, but stops, rolls his eyes, and sighs, sitting on the bench. The lights go down.]]

[[It is some days later, perhaps a week or more. AARON sits at a coffee shop table, meant for two, again going through his phone lazily and ignoring the unappetizing breakfast sandwich sitting half-wrapped in front of him.

JAMIE enters slowly, a cup in her hand. She seems almost drunk, stumbling and exhausted as she walks up to his table and stares, saying nothing. After an uncomfortable moment, AARON finally takes notice and looks up. It’s a second before surprise registers on his face.]]

AARON: Can I...? You’re her! You’re that crazy girl from last week! You kissed me! You took my suit jacket! And my hat! Wh- what the hell are you doing?

[[She stares for a minute, then holds out the cup.]]

JAMIE: Coffee?

[[Startled, AARON takes the cup.]]

AARON: I- thank- … this is empty.

JAMIE: Yes.

AARON: You just gave me an empty coffee cup as an apology?

JAMIE: No. Coffee. [[She points across the stage, into the wings.]]

AARON: You want me to buy you coffee?!

JAMIE: Yes.

[[AARON looks as if he’s going to start yelling.]]

AARON: And why the hell would I do that?! You stole from me! You molested me! And as far as I gather, you were running from the cops! Fuck no, I’m not going to buy you coffee! You’ve lost your mind! Hell, you’ve probably lost it a long time ago!

[[As he yells, he grabs the cup and his sandwich and stalks off the way she came, the general direction of her pointing. JAMIE blinks a few times as she watches him go before taking his seat. Sure enough, after a minute AARON comes back on, cup of coffee in hand, and slams it down; JAMIE drinks it all in one go as he speaks.]]

AARON: I’m only coming back because you still have my suit jacket and I need that! And my hat! And... Christ, how did you even find me?!

JAMIE: I didn’t find you, I walked into my coffee shop and you were sitting here.

AARON: AND you stole my table!

JAMIE: I did not! You got up to buy coffee, I sat down, and there’s another chair right in fucking front of you!

AARON: When the hell did you learn to talk?!

JAMIE: When I was two! I just don’t get going until three cups of coffee in the morning.

AARON: So coffee, a table, half of my suit and my hat; what else are we going to add to the list of things you’ve stolen from me?

JAMIE: If you want, I could take your virginity, too.

AARON: [[long pause]] Who ARE you?!

JAMIE: Oh! Right, never introduced myself! Hi, I’m Jamie!

AARON: Okay, Jamie, now give me back my things.

JAMIE: You didn’t tell me your name.

AARON: What?

JAMIE: I said, “I’m Jamie,” and you’re supposed to introduce yourself back.

AARON: … why the hell would I do that?!

JAMIE: ‘Cause it’s the polite thing to do!

AARON: Polite? Polite?! You shoved your tongue down my throat in the middle of the street, who are you to be talking about... polite?! … Aaron. My name is Aaron.

JAMIE: Aaron, that’s a good name. Now, sit down, chill out, and talk to me. Come on, I don’t bite! Unless you’re into that, ‘course.

AARON: [[sits down, stares in confusion, and finally puts his head down on the table]] What the hell did I do to deserve this? I just wanted to have breakfast in peace...

JAMIE: That’s your breakfast? Pretty damn crap, isn’t it?

AARON: Well, yeah, but it’s not like there’s a lot of options.

JAMIE: You could make it yourself, you know, at home?. Of course, then you wouldn’t have time to sit in a coffee shop and talk to adorable and hopelessly charming girls like me.

AARON: Maybe I will start making it myself...

JAMIE: Ooh, careful, if you keep being this coy you’re going to have girls crawling all over you. Probably several guys, too.

AARON: Look, can you just give me my stuff back and I can go?

JAMIE: I don’t have it.

AARON: Then can you bring it here tomorrow?

JAMIE: Nope. I threw ‘em out about two blocks from the bus stop last week.

[[There is a long moment where AARON stares.]]

AARON: You have lost your fucking mind!

JAMIE: I have not!

AARON: If you were going to throw it all out, why’d you steal it in the first place?!

JAMIE: ‘Because the police were looking for me!

AARON: Oh, this I’ve got to hear.

JAMIE: It’s simple! They were looking for a girl in a tank top with a bookbag and long hair. By throwing on a grey jacket, tucking up my hair, and hiding my bookbag, I became the opposite of what they were looking for! And having my tongue down your throat probably helped, too. I mean, no one likes interrupting a make out that is that intense. Best part of all? How could it have been the girl they were looking for; she was on her own, and who in their right mind would make out with a perfect stranger?

AARON: So you admit it, you’re not in your right mind.

JAMIE: Oh no, I am. It’s just functioning a little differently than yours. In a much more interesting way.

AARON: Yeah, it’s brilliant, you took my best suit jacket.

JAMIE: Okay, I’m sorry, fine. Look, [[she takes her wallet from her bag]] just tell me how much it was and I’ll pay you double.

AARON: [[after a long pause, mutters so she can hardly hear]] $6.50.

JAMIE: What was that?

AARON: $6.50.

JAMIE: One more time, if you don’t mind; use your big boy voice.

AARON: $6.50! It was six dollars and fifty cents, okay?! I’m broke, and I needed a suit, and I got it at the Goodwill. So give me the $13 and leave me alone, okay?

JAMIE: [[taking it all calmly and in stride]] Really? Well, it was a nice one; I thought the tags were gone just ‘cause they were annoying. Tell you what, since you can’t exactly go and find a replacement that’ll match, here’s... eh, $350; that should be enough to go buy a whole matching suit, don’t you think?

[[AARON can only stare at the money she’s offering.]]

AARON: I-- but-- you-- who the hell are you?!

JAMIE: I told you! I’m Jamie!