#noctisms

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I like to think that Shane’s 35th birthday treats him more gently. I like to think that some of his fears and anxieties have been softened by love and happiness. I like to think that maybe he still has some residual anxiety, he gets a little tense, but Ilya won’t allow him to feel bad. He’ll shower Shane with love and affection and compliments, he’ll hold him close and tell him how handsome and beautiful he looks, how happy he is to help him celebrate another year. And I think, that on Shane’s 35th birthday, he smiles. And that’s a newer thing, but it’s gotten easier, over the years, as he’s gotten comfortable, as he’s begun to feel more at ease. Happiness looks so good on him. 35 feels so distant from 30 in the way that it feels less suffocating, less pressurized. He is so loved, he is surrounded by love, and he has happiness he could’ve never imagined, the first time he introduced himself to an interesting boy outside a skating rink in Saskatchewan. I think, that by the time Shane reaches his 35th birthday, he doesn’t feel so bad anymore. I think he looks forward to his birthday now, even when he’s anxious. 35 looks promising on Shane Hollander.

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Okay, the time has come for me to share fic links on my tumblr again as god intended. Everyone please enjoy the fruits of my madness and also be nice to me, thank you ✨

A Feeling That I’ve Never Had Before (And I Deserve It)

- Explicit, Complete, Post-Episode 6. Word count: 5,716

“He chuckles, low and smooth. "Ah, I see. Tell you what- your parents come by, we have dinner, yes? Have a little chat, all of that. But when they leave, and I get you to myself… let me take care of you, hm? For being brave."

His heart skips a beat, his stomach swoops low and flutters. His cheeks definitely get warm, and he nods a little dumbly. "Yes, yeah. Please."

Back at the cottage, Shane unravels a little after talking to his parents. But Ilya is here to pick up the pieces and help hold them together- and Shane deserves a little reward after facing his fears.”

Off-Leash

- Explicit, Complete, Canon-Compliant. Word count: 14,670

It strikes a chord in Shane, makes him feel a little wild, a little seen, in a way that makes his body hot. It's in this moment that he thinks: I'll be a dog, if you want.

Shane has some particular feelings. They breed some particular revelations. Control, power, desire- it should all be so simple. It shouldn't be so easy to shake. But like with everything, Ilya Rozanov complicates that, and turns it on its head.

(Shane gets a collar. This better not awaken anything in him.)

[bloodlilllies]

I think a lot about how irl hockey fans (the girls and the gays, at least, from my impression) call Sidney Crosby mama and I just know in my heart that in the GCU fans do this to Shane. Especially after he joins the Cens, and he's hit 30 now? Fans are calling him and Ilya mama and papa

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Torn between embracing my whole true self and descending a little back into my #cringe fandom posting and also wanting to maintain that I'm into other cool things and contain multitudes, but afraid of being written off by people who I like for said cringe fandom posting.... like yes I read and write fic yes I play dolls with my guys, but I promise I'm cool I swear I'm an interesting multifaceted person and I do in fact have sex and a social life and shit and I'm not Just some loser but a guy with a cool life you gotta believe meee

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About Me ✨

Call me Noctis. I’m a white neurodivergent transmasc butch lesbian. Some kind of alleged artist and scatterbrained writer, humble smut peddler. Certified silly guy. Married to the incredible @sen-thebootbimbo 💖

30

He/Him or Fae/Faer

Guy who masquerades as an artist

Neurodivergent

This blog is NSFW (I do have a fully nsfw horny blog, mutuals can ask for the url)

BYF/DNFI

Minors don’t need to follow me

TERFs, truscum, transphobes of all kinds, exit stage left and promptly eat shit I’ll make you eat your teeth

Bootlickers, conservatives, centrists, begone

Zionists fuck off

Extra Stuff:

Face tag: #mon visage

Bluesky: bloodlillies.bsky.social

Ao3: sterlingstars

Mutuals can ask for discord, steam, other socials ✨

[bloodlilllies]

I am fucking crazy but I am free.jpeg

[bloodlilllies]

Reheating my rivalry between work calls and crying over the beginning of episode 4 when Shane just goes “Again?!” when Hayden says Jackie is pregnant cause my autistic ass did the exact same thing once when I heard one of my aunts was pregnant with like her 4th baby. Truly he’s the funniest motherfucker alive and also just like me

[bloodlilllies]

Saw someone mention that we don't know how old Irina was when she died, but that whatever that number is, Ilya thinks about it, because he will eventually get to a point where he turns that age, where he gets older, and now I'm thinking about it. Because as someone with a dead mom, it's something I personally think about A Lot. The way that number haunts you is... distinct. Losing a parent when you're young, when they're young, is something that really sits at the back of your brain for the rest of your life.

One day, Ilya will be older than his mother ever got to be. One day, he will reach the same birthday that was her last, and there will be some part of him that's still 12 years old, looking at her for the last time. He'll celebrate with his husband, with his family, and she won't be there. What did she think when she hit that birthday? Did she know? Did she have it in her heart that it was her last? Was it sitting in the back of her mind? It's sitting in Ilya's. He'll get to the next birthday after, and he'll think of his mother- beautiful, funny, and sad, and he will think to himself- "I will do what you couldn't, because I love you. I'll have the birthdays you couldn't have." One day, he'll have grey in his hair and lines on his face, and he'll look at his reflection and wonder how much he still looks like her. If their smile lines would've sat the same. When she would've gone grey. Every year a mark, a reminder, a promise that he'll do what she never got to. A number that never leaves his head.