#nonbinary musing

[solitarelee]

The fluctuating-gender-effecting-orientation-thing, I get that a lot. I'm very... Unaware of my gender for the most part? I can usually define what it isn't better than what it is on any given day. But I'm always aware that certain days, I can look at a girl I find attractive and be like "hoooooly shit I am gay", and then look at the same girl a few days later and still find her attractive without feeling gay for it? Same thing with guys, tbh. And other NB people.

YEAH same, exactly! Like it seems to depend on maybe both the person and myself and how I’m feeling in a given moment? It’s a confusing sensation for me because it’s just fluctuating and I can’t ever seem to pin it down. I’m also the same in that I can tell you like “well I’m NOT a guy today, I get confused if someone calls me “he” or “sir” but I’m also not feeling like I want boobs” but what that means for my gender identity I’m never quite sure, and since it changes I can’t pin IT down either. x’D 

I’m really glad this happens to other people and it’s not just me being weird tho. 

[solitarelee]

Something I’ve never really seen people talking about--possibly because there aren’t the right words and we’re all fucking terrified of cis ppl skewering us for trying to find the words and stumbling--is the way your sexuality can fluctuate when your gender fluctuates. 

Follow me on this, as I struggle to find words to explain this sensation. I think it might be kind of unique to genderqueer, non-binary, and especially gender-fluid people, but seeing as how I am those things, I can’t say for sure. Maybe everyone feels this? I don’t know. 

Okay, so most of you have probably experienced that surge of “WOW I’m really gay” that happens when you see a really attractive person of your own gender, right? But that still happens to me. But not always. Sometimes, when I see a guy, I think “wOW I’m really gay,” but sometimes I don’t, sometimes it doesn’t feel gay to me at all. Same for women. Sometimes I see something like this or this and I’m like “O_O I have never been more gay than in this moment.” Sometimes, not. 

I haven’t quite figured out if this always correlates to how I’m feeling genderwise. I’m not always hyperaware of my gender, mostly just on days when I’m feeling particularly dysphoric or euphoric about it. I haven’t figured out if it correlates to something about the person. I’m genuinely still trying to figure out the sensation and why it happens sometimes and not others. And also if anyone else feels this, particularly other non-binary people.