The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow, usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more, to raising the bar, each article devoted to a different nonbinary person getting the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. To expand on the stories we have, on the ideas of what being trans and nonbinary looks like.
You can see our past articles here.
This internal question brought me to believe that I don’t stand any where on the spectrum of gender. Thus, I have tried my hardest to educate and make cis-gendered people aware that there is more to the concept of gender than simple ‘girl’ and 'boy’.
How do you define your gender?
In all honesty, it is difficult to explain what my gender is in simply one word. Rather I feel as if I simply embrace who I am. I have always dealt with my physical androgyny and struggled with trying to maintain a conventional 'feminine’ appearance when I was younger. As I grew up, I learned to accept and understand that I do not need to adhere to these practices, nor do I need to necessarily fit into a category.
My gender is simply nothing and everything at the same time. I wear dresses, suits, ties, lingerie, whatever because I simply do not see material things to be gendered, thus on me they are simply things I like to wear. My gender is split right down the middle of being both feminine and masculine, and yet at the same time since I mix many different traits together, they’ve sort of become extremely indistinguishable from one another and have just become, me.
What does your gender mean to you?
My gender, or rather lack there of, is my identity. It is what I see in the mirror, how I feel and plays into my day to day interactions with people. It also is something extremely extremely personal to me, since it is what, at the end of the day is the most solid in my life. I have never had a difficulty in accepting that I may not fit into the gender binary, there for it has been the most stable aspect and discovery of my life.
From knowing what my gender is, I am able to build relationships and it has allowed me to expand my knowledge and has allowed me to overall become more comfortable in my skin. I have learned to accept my physical, as well as emotional appearance to both others and myself.
How and when did you learn you were nonbinary?
I remember I was 18 and at the time I had been dating a girl. We had been sitting on her bed and she out of the blue asked, “well, what pronouns do you really feel comfortable going by? I’ve always viewed you as being gender neutral."
Honestly, that was the day that I began to question how I presented myself in society and what I felt comfortable with. I had always known I wasn’t straight, and looking back I realize I had gone through many moments in my teens that didn’t quite fit to what I was truly feeling. And it was this question that really made me look deep inside myself.
I few months later when I was no longer dating that particular girl, I came out on social media, as well as to my close friends that I preferred gender-neutral pronouns. My best friend, bless her heart, took to it right away and accepted me just as I was. She knew it was something I had questioned over the past few months and even admitted to me that she had always viewed me as being more neutral than simply leaning to one side of the gender binary. It obviously took some getting used to for my other friends but gradually I became much more solid in my identification and I grew to be more confident.
It was also something that broke a lot of relationships and caused strain between myself and people I knew. Those who simply refused to adhere to my preferences, to my correct pronouns or outright dismissed them as being a "phase” or “incorrect”, I decided to void out of my life. It was a purge that I decided to do for the better, to get rid of negativity in my life. After doing so, I filled my life with people who were much kinder and more apt to accepting.
It wasn’t the biggest struggle in my life and most of it was seamless, but even so I did struggle with dating. Many people didn’t want to use my pronouns or simply didn’t understand, which made finding someone who I would be comfortable with, much harder. Cis-men would often question themselves if my being nonbinary made them gay, and I received backlash from some of my local gay-straight groups and was looked down upon people who belonged to them. I did learn that regardless of your identification, it’ll always be hard for some people to truly accept you.
What did you wish more people knew about your gender?
I wish people would understand that simply because I am nonbinary, doesn’t necessarily HAVE to change their own identity. To some people, like my significant other, it did make them question their attraction to me but at the end of the day all I require is respect for my identity, and that’s it. If you’re cis-gendered and you are attracted to someone who is nonbinary, it doesn’t make you gay; it simply means you are attracted to that person and you should be respecting of their pronouns and their identity.
As well, nonbinary is not reflected on clothing choices, makeup, hair, likes or dislikes. Some nonbinary individuals like to dress feminine, some masculine; some adhere to one or both or mixing between the two but it is not a concrete thing. For most people it is static, so simply looking at someone or hearing someone should not be your assumption of their gender.
What advice would you give to questioning people?
Take a breath and relax. Though it’s infuriating to be living in a world that constantly caters to only two genders, it doesn’t have to be stressful to find out your own whatever that may be. You may not know today, tomorrow or even next week what you identify as and that is okay. You may not have a word for it or you may not be comfortable in confronting it and that is okay. You fear, surprise, anxiety and anger are just as valid as your happiness, so don’t fret.
The important things in life take time, and it’s okay to not know everything just yet. Some things will take days, some will take years but the important thing is to keep growing and learning and exploring yourself until the day you look in the mirror and you are solid in who you are (and it’s okay if that day never comes). We as humans are complex creatures, and I think we try and take control too often.
It is okay to be unsure.
