#noonecaresanyway

[djlewylew]

One last time for this one before I delete it out my phone.... #NoOneCaresAnyway https://www.instagram.com/p/BuUBueOgRoN/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1oc9yfjgak9fp

[supernaturallyholland]

Does anyone else ever wish they can just run away and escape this reality and disappear into a different one? That’s me right about now.

[eyeballhopscotch]

Thanks for 100 sets of eyes! #followers #100followers #100 #noonecaresanyway #dearlordgivememore #feedmeseymore #thankful #lookingforwardto200 #hetbacktowork

[collarsandkissesxo]

Isn't being too depressed to leave the house and severely heartbroken supposed to at least produce good writing?

So then why the fuck can’t I seem to make anything sound good? All the words come out wrong. They don’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. Don’t really know what to do from here. I thought at least I could count on some good pieces from all these feelings...

[thepursuitofjoyfulness]

Maybe if I had one single ounce of support in this place I wouldn't be so darn messed up. I hate the way no one cares.

[lepetitechiot-blog]

I never planned to fall for you and certainly not this fast

[fragile-thoughtss-blog]

urgh, I’m so done with everything. (trigger warning)

~feeling kinda stupid writing these long paragraphs about my day and feelings and thoughts because hardly anyone reads these, or / cares but I just need to vent sorry~

so.. today was amazing to begin with.. but very quickly fell apart. 

So didn’t even up getting to sleep till past 4am.. woke up around 10ish to Cam kissing my neck and being playful af - which was great.. 

Then he had to leave for work at 130pm, which was fine. Then I was left alone again.. nothing to do till 6pm (netball) So I needed to buy netball gloves, so I jumped in my car and went shopping. I don't have no idea what triggered it, but a sense of overwhelming anxiety came over me. It felt like I was on a verge of a panic attack.. but the feeling didn’t go away. I was in a state of panic for no reason. It was awful. I was shaking, almost crying. Then I stared at my arm and noticed my scars and for the first time in a long while, I imagined myself relapsing.. that sensation of the blade gliding almost effortlessly through my skin, the cold blood dripping down my arm, that sense of ‘pressure released’ once relapsed. I wanted to relapse so badly. It use to fix my anxiety before, I could control my relapses (to a point) but my anxiety, I had no control over. Walking around the shops I was paranoid everyone was staring at me, laughing, judging. I had a short sleeve shirt on and it was like everyone glaring at my arm.  I felt so god-dam pathetic. I’m 19 for fuck sake, how can I not handle my own anxiety?! Eventually found my gloves, and decided to head to my actual home (I live with my boyfriend, but I still pay $50 a week at my parents house) I went there and my (twin) brother was there, There is heaps of childhood history between us.. we don't get along.. I don't like him, he doesn’t like me.. But he was being so friendly to be today.. Like it creeped me out.. He wouldn’t leave me alone.. I went to my room.. be followed me. Which made me more anxious but oh well. And then my my got home and I found out that The store I was meant to be transfereed to is taking shit about me, and all the stores are talking badly about me because they’re all presuming shit, without knowing the full story (long story BTW ahah ) So that made me even more anxious.. and I have to play netball with about 7 girls from my old maccas store.. Argh so much anxiety!! So yeah, I almost relapsed.. and I’m scared that I won't make it to 4 months self harm free (I’m 3 months and 2 weeks clean)  eating wise - today wasn’t too bad. Binged after netball on fries and frozen drinks.. but Thats the only slip up.. Tomorrow I’ll spend most the day working out i think!  Idk. feel like I’m losing control.. my anxiety is getting worse.. Like today was awful and I don't want to have to go through that again :/ My depression hasn’t worsen.. but I’m still struggling to manage it.. 

I’m just exhausted mentally and wish life would give me a break soon.. 

[crumbs-from-yesterday]

I'm back