Date: 15/07/24
Beware, a lot of misspells and badly typed words, I'm stil learning English, and I just wanted to sorta copy and paste my writings into here, so be patient.
Listening to Vinyl; 13:07 Small Argument with J, going to change clothes.
─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───
13:43 I have to be though; it's what J told me. I can't keep depending on external circumstances. I've wanteed to put myself into these kind of extreme situations since I was a child. I need to stop depending on others for once and all. I need to reconnect with who I was when I was a child; a teenager; when I had the will to live by myself.
When did it all started? when did I stop to be independent? when did my torment start? was it when I met D and I wanted to always be with someone else? did it got worse when I met more and more people in my life? why can't I stop to feel the need to have someone by my side; yet... when I have someone by my side I still feel the need for more?
︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶
14:38 Had lunch, it was okay; although had to use ketchup in order to be able to finish eating it. Retrieved a radio, had a random idea about using someting extra to be able to hear other additional stations. For so long me and J have wanted to have our own radio station; I'd look into it but atm I'm unable to. Since M goes to bed at around 10, 9 or 10 could be a good time to check in on him.
"I crawl back into your open arms" - Amsterdan (or the one before that; idk I'm forced to use my smooth brain)
I seriously hope I don't get interrupted while I'm listening to this; I've learnt long time ago to be alone with my thoughts but lately it has become harder and harder; because I got attached to so many people over the years, preferred to talk about what was on my mind with them, it was rare for me to go back to write on a journal; even though is supossed to be healthier for my mind.
When I think of everyone I've had in my life, sometimes I wonder what would they think of me now; would they recognize me any more? would they be proud of what I've become? Does G really miss me; or is it the false relationship we had before that she misses? Why do I need constant aprobation of what I am? Does everyone I have in my life really want me, or am I making it up? my mind is making me believe people care about me? when its not real? what kind of purpose I was put in here for? Will I ever feel like I was "made for this" some day? After trying for so long?
When I lost G, I felt as if I lost the reason to be happy, to feel like I belonged somehere; butat the same time; I wasn't being myself there. I was a mere fraction of what I really am.
"Reantea, be though"
People have different ways of showing care. But even so; I think that ex friend G was not really trying to show any kind of affection. She needs to be left alone for that to WORK out. She doesn't know how to give value to a friendship.
▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃
┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊
┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚✩ ⋆｡˚ ✩
┊ ┊ ┊ ✫
┊ ┊ ︎✧
┊ ┊ ✯
┊ . ˚ ˚✩
15:15 I hope the person I'm doing this with is okay... I think I was an asshole with them before starting this "challenge"; when I didn't meant to. When I feel too bad to do something; I just suck it up and do it.
I hate feeling like I am trapped in a flesh cage. Alone. I wish J remembered that every deision he makes; affects me. He should acknowledge that I'm emotionally attached to him and I share the same feelings, emotions. Before I make a decision I always think of him, I feel as if all my life I've been practicing to meet him. Sure I have other important people in my life whom I've also learnt things.
"You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea" -Swallowed in the sea.
With every person in my life I've leant different things; I've grown a lot. I've learnt that actions matter much more than words; I've learnt that I can be on my own; but my need for human interaction, my need to be understood by people who are similar to me, is always there.
I adore being weird with my friends, (Whom I only have three so far, one that I consider have Romantic feelings for. I try not to be so needy when it comes to them. For many years I've had a huge disbalance on how i see human relationships. Refering toWhat I said about romantic feelings; I must clarify thats an addition emotions fluctuate; but feelings, say. Of love, persist. Most of the time forever. I want to live forever, not as in being imortal. As in staying in people's mind.
∘•········ʚ ♡ ɞ ········•∘
15:42 Started Viva La Vida Album. So far I think I've managed to stay on people I care's mind. Is a goal I'm so/so into pursuing; because I don't exactly berie (post edit note: I assume I meant derive.) much pleasure in any of these things. I rather think that I contributed inaQ life, (post edit note: don't know what did I meant there.) evenif its with my smooth brained thoughts. Maybe one day; someone finds my journal and it makes them think; makes them realize something.
I like being alone, but is preferable when I'm alone with someone I look up to. I want to share my loneliness and here I am scolding myelf for making the decision to be alone in my no screen day. I alway say to myself that I should be able to get past a lot of pain, to get to where I want to be. But during the proccess I feel bad and uncomfortable.
•·················•·················•
At 16:00 I'm halfway into Coldplay's Discography
Must people only care about themselves, what they think, instead of worrying about others. And most of them adore to only follow their narrative, have the thruth, most of people's issues always has to do with something they did to them in the past. People's mind are fragile and act on mere instinct; they don't stop to think before they act.
Phone is always a big distraction for me, distracts me from focusing on thinking before acting. With my own will I have to be able to control distractions and cultivate my mind every day a little more.
"Withot you is a waste of time" -Strawberry Swing
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
16:24 With Redacted I learnt how love was for the first time. With Redacted I learnt how was friendship for the first time. With Redacted I learnt how was to fake love and feel pity for the first time. With Redacted I learnt to obsses over a person; unhealthy toxic behaviors. With Redacted I learnt about Family; what was good family and what isn't. With Redacted I learnt about true friendship; loyalty; the many ways you can love. Someone. With Redacted I learnt about hate for the first time, how can hate destroy a person's mind. I learnt what is a bad friendship. With Redacted I learnt all of these things in a new way; to grow even more as a person.
They all made me grow; in different ways; for good or wrong.
8 people that made me change; some of them continue to make me learn; but is mostly thanks to myself. Forbeing able to self reflect.
Meeting someone similar to you... it can destroy you.
Because you have to confront yourself; and in some cases, a less mature version of yourself; or someone who has got past stuff that you struggle with; and so on. When there's a disbalance in maturity; you're both going to suffer and take bullets.
But let's be realistic; you're always going to end up meeting people who aren't in the same state of mind as you.
And you have to learn from them; as much as they have to learn from you. It destroys you because you understand that this is also you in some way.
❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀
17:00 And you have to acept your mistakes and find a way inside yourself to fix it. And is not immediate.
"You're chosen out from the rest" -Always in my head
✎﹏﹏﹏﹏
18:15 Started AHFOD; three vinyls left. I'm assuming this will end at around 20:00; with a total of 6 hours of music.
trying to understand how past me used to entertain herself.
➽──────────────❥
What is a Good Partner according to me?
Needs to have emotional inteligence; be able to understand, and learn how to make feel their special one better
Everyone; as I said early in this long entry, has a different way to show love. That means you neer know if the other person is suitable for your needs until you meet them and see how the behave in different situations. Depending on how willing both people are to adapt and suit each other's needs, the success the relationship will have. But the main point is that the changes aren't one-sided. You have to make sacrifices, you have to suffer because is the only way to know what you need to improve on.
You have to be able to understand your partner and always forgive; and thrive to change. Understanding the complexity of the human mind means you'll run into a lot of surprises, because you can't read other's people mind. You have to acept that you'll never understand it completely and maybe is besto just enjoy your time with that persona nd take mental notes on how to behave around them.
19:01 Started Kaleidoscope EP; this will probably last until 21:00
A good Partner is also someone who can provide of every need and also a friend, not everything will be romantic all the time. Is someone you can trust and someone who would never stop wanting to be by your side no matter what; a good partner will always be loyal to you because you're important in their life; you make them feel safe and okay when they are down (and everyone has their way of showing this). If they can't kiss you, hug you, it doesn't matter. Anyone can do that; but it hits different when is someone you trust and has always made efforts to stay by your side. It will hit differently when that person does something for you; whatever it is! you can't touch love, only feel it. And words can also make you feel things; emotions.
To be completely honest; I've never heard as good advice and comfort; and understanding as in with my online acquaintances. When you talk with someone without seeing them and just reading their words; you are able to understand their mind better. Is just their mind talking; nothing else.
19:44 Listening to Everyday Life Album
Apparently; there was references to Music Of The Spheres in this album; with the voice of "Angel Moon" in "Cry Cry Cry" and a poster of Music Of The Spheres in the book within the Vinyl. Angel Moon is just Chris Martin's Voice modified to sound high pitched and like an alien's
22:09 Told M I was okey; ate; couldn't keep with the complete no-screen because I had to look at the TV during dinner; but during lunch; managed to not look and use any screen.
Now I'm craving affection from J; which is common in me i guess; as I said v early in this biblical NSD entry; I look up to him; he has teach me a lot about life; I admire him; despite being younger than me. I want to pass my legacy to him. Since he's v alike to what I was when I was younger.
Summary of what I did: from 9:00 to 10:00 whine, talk with J about the NSD; try to come up with a way to still listen to music. 10:00 to 13:00 try to sleep while crying and being recluctant to follow the NSD; 13:00 stand up and woman up; remembered the words J said (noted somewhere in the entry.) Started listening to Coldplay's discography in Vinyl. 21:00 finished; wrote all of this until that timestamp. 21:00 checked in with M. 21:30 to 22:30 Dinner / Watched the TV.
