I finally got a full evaluation done.
I have DID, Delusions, BPD, PTSD, Persistent Depressive Disorder, Severe General & Social Anxiety, and psychosis.
I’ve sat through several hours of clinical testings and honestly I’m so glad that I’m finally being HEARD.
Some of the realizations are sad, some are happy. It was shown that no, I’m not entirely crazy, and no not everything is my fault like people have said. Nor are my reactions unheard of.
One big thing was that they went through the steps my mind would go through when it came to friendships/relationships. There were things my mind dubbed as “safe” behaviours and “unsafe” ones. Because of the trauma and what I learned through it someone could want the best for me but if it came across as “controlling” or something similar that relationship would be immediately placed under “unsafe”.
Once I have deemed a person as “unsafe” I will begin to react to it. From the outside eye people may think my reactions are over exaggerated or much to intense for the situation at hand. But it is how I KNOW to deal with that kind of relationship.
The worst and best part of what I learned is that these ‘unsafe’ relationships I would BEGIN TO TEST THE RELATIONSHIP. I would do things to get reactions to see if they would react “safely” or “unsafely”.
And now that I think back on a few friendships I ended I realize that there was behaviour that was “unsafe”. As in being lied too, used, and overall manipulated. And because of that I began to test the relationships. I would be upset that I was ignored and being mistreated and so I reacted in ways that “normal” people would see as too much or ridiculous.
But it wasn’t all in my head like I thought. These people WERE exhibiting unsafe behaviours and I reacted the way I know how to.
So I feel better knowing that friends I really cared about weren’t entirely innocent. Between the lies and manipulation I reacted the best way I knew how to. Yes there is some fault on my side too, but at least I can see and understand myself better.