i don't usually like talking about this because 1) i am a very private person and 2) oh boy stigma is a bitch
however. this is important to say. so.
i have BPD. specifically, borderline personality disorder, not bi-polar disorder (we need more letters for this shit i think). I've had it for a Long Fucking While. since before any of y'all knew me. and let me tell you, I've had some days that were a gddamn struggle!!!! and i still do!!!! but here's the fucking truth:
it can get better, should you choose to work on it. it can get easier to manage. and I'm not saying that so that you can one day be a Functioning Member of Society or any of that bullshit. I'm saying it makes things better for yourself. speaking as someone with it, bpd is a lot of fear, and a lot of rage because of that fear. and life gets so much less fucking miserable when you're not scared out of your fucking mind all the gddamn time, and not fearful and hating everyone around you because of fear. or also a miserable ball of jealousy.
it gets better. you can work on the fear, and with it you can work on the anger and jealousy and lashing out. hell, even with only just going back to therapy (and only because i found a good therapist who knows about bpd and DBT) this past year, I've made a lot of improvement in the past 5 or so years just working on myself by myself. therapy personally has helped me, but everyone is different, so some folks it might help, some it might not, it varies qnd the medical system is shit. but you can work on things, and things can be made better
it gets easier and things improve for you and one day you're not as scared, and maybe you can keep your crying to a level Below the dry-heaving in the bathroom at three in the morning stage and you recover a little better and you wake up for another day/night.
and i won't lie!!!! shit sucks!!! a lot of us struggle with addiction, myself included!!!! we've all led shit fucking lives to get to this point!!!! lots of us go to early graves!!! people are fucking assholes!!!! massive fucking assholes actually!!!!!
but despite people being cruel, and our expensive habits and bad thoughts, you're not doomed. despite what our fear might say, we do not, in fact, have giant neon signs about our heads telling everyone they should throw us away before they ever get attached, and we should stop trying to put ones up. and guess the fuck what!!!!!! some folks just straight up don't give a shit that we have bpd!!!!!! believe it the fuck or not, if you stop putting up a disclaimer that you're Literally The Worst Person Alive, you may make some friends, and some of them might spend hours on wikipedia and the blogs of fellow borderlines reading up on what it actually means and how to be considerate and a good friend to you, and they'll listen to your own experiences too.
and best of all: they'll forgive you, and they'll understand, and they won't drop you like a fucking hot potato the second you Do Something Wrong.
they'll love you in their own ways, if you want that, and if you let that.
and you'll fuck up, but literally everyone fucks up!!!!! michealangelo probably painted something wrong and went "ah shit i can't undo that."!!! I've fucked up a lot, cause I'm a human who is working through Fear Of Connection and Rejection, and Lack of Good Coping Skills, and Tainted Pattern Recognition Disorder. there have been times where i told my friends not to be nice to me. there were times where i kept my early bird up until three in the gddamn morning!!!!! there were awkward next days, and serious conversations, and now they're renting a place for a few days so i can go up and see them because they still love me after many years!!
nkt every friend will be like this. and it sucks, and you'll get your heart broken again and you'll probably cry (cause i know I Would), but that doesn't mean you're Doomed. doesn't make you toxic sludge harvested fresh from an oil spill. just means it didn't work out. and maybe that that person was a dick. maybe.
but again. you're not doomed. you can work on things, you can find better ways to cope. this is something you've probably had for a while. you weren't doomed before. you're not now. you can have moments of being without fear, then days, then weeks, and maybe more. you can find ways to communicate and talk and it'll be okay.
and also. please never fucking google borderline personality disorder and look at things written by folks who don't have it. just don't. people can be dicks, and you are not a villainous two-faced split-dyed stereotype. and even if you are, i love you anyways. you deserve love. and i love you all.
a bpd diagnosis is not a death sentence.
and also. if you have any other cluster b disorder, i love you too. we're people.
it's oksy. it'll get better.
and, if you want somewhere good to look for help and info, april from @borderlinereminders is really fucking helpful, and also shows that you can have long-lasting and meaningful relationships as someone with bpd (sorry april, not to put you on blast)
i care about y'all. take some deep beaths if you can. it's gonna be okay.
