#not maternal

[yehrin]

I mean, they look right at each other. Nobody else. Then they have a sly giggle together. … How else am I supposed to interpret this?? I can’t be the only one?!

[mfrance-writes]

Not Cut Out for It

Some people (women and men) are just sort of made to be parents, aren't they? From childhood, they just LOVE babies and younger children, and they love helping adults with them. It's like they come out of the womb genetically-programmed to be good with children. Then when they grow up, they so badly want to have children of their own, and then they just LOVE every bit of it when they do have children. It honestly makes me so happy when I see these people with children of their own. 

I am not one of those people. I'm not even one of those childfree-by-choice people that loves other people's children and is super great with other people's children. I'm actually the opposite of the above-mentioned people. Some people are just not cut out to be parents, and I am one of them. I know this about myself, and that's okay. Just because I'm not cut out to be parent doesn't mean that something is wrong with me. 

I tried to make myself be more cut out to be a parent when I was younger. I tried holding babies. As soon as they cried, I wanted to hand them back to the actual parent and leave the room until the crying stopped. I tried helping my mom watch young children when she babysat while I was in my teens and early twenties. That lasted for an MAYBE an hour before I was ready to lock myself away in my room to get away from the constant questions, the constant demands for attention, the screams and deafening laughter, and the mess. And if we needed to go to the store or wanted to go out to eat with the children? Oh, boy...that pretty much always (with TWO exceptions) ended with me telling my mother on the car ride home, and occasionally, the parent when they picked them up, "I'm never going anywhere with this kid again." (I will however, gladly take on snack duty or finding a source of entertainment for the small children as long as I don't have to stay for very long.)

I used to worry about the fact that I wasn't good at dealing with children. I even used to let it make me feel like a terrible person. (WHAT KIND OF PERSON ISN'T GOOD WITH CHILDREN?!) Also, what kind of self-respecting woman could I be if I didn't have a maternal instinct?

The truth is that I just don't like a lot of noise or mess, and, let's be honest, from birth to about, what, age 9, children are basically just noisy, messy tornados wrapped in cuteness. The truth is that I am also not patient, and children require a lot of patience. I'm also not good at dealing with ANYTHING that requires ALL of my attention from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. As an introvert, I need a lot of down time at the end of the day to chill, and you don't get that as the primary caregiver parent. I even think dogs are too much for me, friends, and children require so much more than dogs.

I'm not actually a terrible person, it turns out. I'm just not cut out to be a parent, and that's okay. I stopped trying to force it. I know other people that aren't cut out to be parents, and some of them actually have kids, so at least I figured myself out earlier than some. Also, research suggests that there is no such thing as the maternal instinct.

(This post is also on my childfree blog: ThoughtfullyOptingOut.blogspot.com.)

[inopinion]

50 minutes into caretaking alone and I want to just open the door and let the baby escape.... This will be a long, long day. What's the precedent for giving tips to daycare workers?

[mysticprima]

I don't want kids

I do not want a baby. I have just come to this startling conclusion after sitting down and thinking what I really want in life.

A friend of mine has recently had a baby which has made me start to question my own fertility. I have thought about all the reasons why I should have a child. I admit how lovely it may be to have a daughter and have the same bond with that person that I have with my Mum. I have also thought about how much my Mum wants a grandchild who she actually has a bond with (my brother doesn’t let her see the his kids nearly enough but that’s another story in itself). My partner doesn’t pressure me, but I know that he would like kids.

I am just not a broody or maternal person. I have felt inadequate for not wanting kids, like there something wrong with me for not feeling broody or maternal. I realise now that this is ridiculous and untrue and I should not let myself feel this way. I mean no disrespect to anyone who cannot have children because I know that they don’t even have a choice in the matter and that most certainly doesn’t make them any less adequate. However, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt slightly guilty. I realise that it is society which causes me to feel this way and that is just shit.

Recently I’ve felt this impending sense of doom now I have hit 30 (yeah, 30….) like “this is it”. If I want kids I will never be able to do all the things I want to do in life. I fucked about too much in my 20s by not sorting my career out or living life to the fullest. I still haven’t seen the world. I feel that now because of me messing about, it’s either one or the other. My desire for the latter outweighs my desire for the other. That’s why I am as selfish as fuck.

But you know what, I’ve also realised that it’s okay to feel that way. I am not a morning person and I can barely get myself up for work yet alone another person. I like a lot of my own space. And yeah, I want the jet setters lifestyle and I just want to see the world. There’s so much to do.

David Cameron does not make life easy for kids and families these days. If I don’t have kids I will never have to pay for childcare and work my ass off just to keep a roof over our heads. I respect all of you who raise children and try to be good parents as I don’t believe you have it easy. Nevertheless everyone should do what they want to do and not what others want them to do because they feel pressured by society. Suddenly with the revelation that I don’t want kids in mind, I just feel so much better about everything.

What I am also saying is that it’s okay for not just me, but all women to feel this way. You are not any less of a person or any less inadequate if you don’t want kids. You don’t have to have a particular reason not to want kids. You could just not want kids.

Ladies, it’s not for me to tell you want to do, but make sure if you’re gonna have kids that you’re doing it for the right reasons. Same goes to the guys because I don’t just want to limit this to one gender, but I do feel that this issue impacts women far more. Nobody should feel pressured into doing something they do not want to do. There is so much more to life than just having kids.

Sorry if this offends anyone. I just wanted to share my thoughts on this and get this off my chest.

[unconventionalkoala-blog]

Parenting myths

Too many people think having a kid is what you do to keep your life on track. No, fools. Having a kid derails the whole fucking train.

[ikkimikki]

Was chatting with one of the grad students who work for me and I think I unintentionally offended her. She was letting me know that when I get back she will probably have given birth and have her baby. She wanted my not to worry because she will bring it in so I can hold it.

Kind of her to offer but I have no interest at all in holding an infant. If she wants me to cradle the child for a few minutes so she can run to the ladies room or something I will be happy to help but holding babies is not for me.

When the kid is old enough for me to teach it how to make silly faces, bring it by!

[gifs-from-the-seaside-ca]

Whenever I try to supportive, it usually just sounds like this: