Nine.
Nine is the number of selfies it took me before I found one that I could probably share with the public.
This is how I look in my most natural state - out of bed, threw my hair up in a bun, washed my faced. No make-up, messy hair, all flaws revealed. The number of photos required before I was satisfied with one really shows how insecure I am.
This post is triggered by a chat I had with a mate last night. We were just casually chatting about relationships, why we weren’t in one, and what we were looking for. I had had a few drinks before this, so I decided to share one of my fantasies (yes, sexual) with him. Then, we got onto the topic of sugar coating things, and I said I was not a sugar-coater at all. He replied with if I wanted my fantasies fulfilled, I would need to learn to sugar coat things because , and I quote, ‘your face sure ain’t gonna help you in that department’.
I was a bit thrown back at first. I thought maybe I was just misinterpreting what he meant and he didn’t mean to say that I was ugly at all. But on second thoughts, he has had a history of making comments like that to me about other people, so I’m pretty sure he meant what I initially thought he meant.
I was actually having a pretty good night last night. I had drinks with friends, so I had dressed up a little, and was generally feeling more okay than usual about myself. I know that I wasn’t blessed with a pretty face but I try to work with what I have. His comment upset me a little, but the thing that upset and frustrated me the most wasn’t that he thought I was ugly, but the fact that he thought it was okay to tell me that.
I am all for constructive criticism, but telling that my face is ugly is not constructive at all! How will that make me change? Am I suppose to be applying more make-up to cover my flaws, get cosmetic surgery so I can have higher cheekbones, slimmer jawline, higher nose bridge?
On the topic of constructive criticism, I have been wondering whether I should tell him how this made me feel. I think he might take as a form of defensiveness, but I really do mean well when I want to tell him that he needs to think before he speaks. It is okay for him to think that I am ugly, but I think it’s really not okay for him to tell me. We live in a society where the media is constantly telling us (despite all the positive body image campaigns) that we are not good enough, not beautiful enough, and that we need to make changes to get to get what we want. Do you really think we are not already telling ourselves that? I, certainly, do not need another external force telling me that my face isn’t good enough!
After writing all this up, I feel as though I have already voiced my frustration, so maybe there is not need for me to bring this up with him. But as a friend, I also think it’s important for us to point out things that should, and can be, changed. My face is not one of them LOL.
What do you think?
On a totally unrelated note, the screw on my violin bow is starting to get some rust build-up, making it hard for my to tighten it. My violin teacher suggested me to use Coke to remove the tarnish. If Coke can be used as a cleaning product, imagine what it is doing to your body! Quit the Coke, kids. :)