Recently, I’ve been thinking about who I am and the way I think about self. Whenever, I’m confronted by questions about my self-esteem I think, well I don’t hate myself and answer that I’m average. But I feel like that’s complicated, self-esteem isn’t always about how you think about yourself as a human being (I’m nice, attentive, etc.) but whether you value your own opinions. Like I believe wholeheartedly that I’m trying to be a good person and live with no regrets. However, I doubt opinions and downplay the value of my thoughts a lot which outwardly shows itself as ‘being shy’, ‘being introverted’, ‘liking being alone’ which is utter bs because what it is, is a relief that stone pillars and walls don’t get stressed and have regrets. Being by myself is a defense mechanism from feeling bad.
I think about these things because I have certain things I’m passionate about but I never talk about them. I second doubt myself that manifests as holding others at an arms length. I’m not certain that it’s my social ineptness or a subconscious thing but I find myself mildly melancholic as a result. However, I think about it, that isn’t a good thing.