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Sometimes I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.. 

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I’m tired of my own mind.

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Today was a weird day.. From waking up 10m before the time I had to leave home, to staring blankly at my coffee as the smoke of my cigar flirted with my sight. 

Feeling tired again, less eager to play anything or hang with more people leading me to spend more time asleep than awake and yet I feel tired as if I never slept at all.. 

Life’s a funny thing tho, the people who you are eager to see again and talk with again don’t show up and yet those who you don’t care about anymore or don’t want to see are the ones who keep bumping into you at every corner.

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Unnoticed stares, missed hand touches, so close yet so far away from the one in front of me.

Train wreck as a line of thought, trying to transform thoughts into words, leaving only awkward silences and empty stares in crowded rooms.

How can I stand so close to you and ignore everything in my heart and mind?

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I dream of death in my sleep and life awake, barely standing on my own two feet just taking small steps towards nowhere.

Paper heart wrinkled and burned, body of steel full of dents and holes. Will I endure what rests ahead? 

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This really sucks.. Guess I’m getting on the same old train as usual.. 

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I met a pretty nice guy 3 weeks ago .. 

It was really fun actually, he was really nice and constantly made me laugh or smile. Something I was lacking over the past months. He’s really cool and we like the same shit. We went out a couple of times, yada yada , we were taking it slowly and today he decided it was best to just stop and remain as friends.

To be honest, it wasn’t a big surprise, I knew he still had feelings for his ex but what surprised me was my own reaction.. I was calm and didn’t got sad or mad. I took it in a cool way, I don’t know. He always made me feel really well with myself and accepted, like I never got to feel with others before. My feelings for him are still fresh but sort of strong and even tho it sucks he doesn’t feel the same way totally I’m glad this happened, that I met him. I didn’t gained a boyfriend or anything of the sort but gained a really cool friend.

I think what’s holding back any kind of sadness after today is the thought of “us” still being a chance (even if a really small one) , Summer is ahead and who knows what can happen. We can grow closer, we can just remain friends, we can go separate ways, who knows? 

All I know, if anything grows out of this it will be something worth it and amazing for both and if not I will know I gained a good friend and someone I can count on always. 

Plus, he’s a huge dork so it’s hard to not smile when talking with him (which is a good thing I guess)  

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I feel like you’re ignoring me. I know you probably are busy or still with her but I feel like shit right now and it sucks knowing that you aren’t talking back. 

I don’t even understand why I’m like this to begin with .. sigh ..