#notetoself.

[baddestrin]

I think about you, nights like these. I miss you. not as I had you. as a person. just a person in the world. the worst thing about the best relationships is that you lose a best friend too. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re happy. I feel happy. there’s something that I can’t remember and it really bothers me... I feel a world away. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

[baddestrin]

I feel so so so stupid. To think something and then realize how wrong I was. mgh, I guess that’s what I get. I’m not great at adjusting or not hoping for things that’ll never happen. you can dream whatever you want, but you still have to wake up. I’m so mad at myself for it. When will I just learn to stay awake. Stop drifting. I miss so many things, but we don’t get to go backwards.

I have to think that every time I cry until I can’t breathe I’m getting somewhere. "Depression is holding on, sadness is letting go"... right? I don’t know where I’m going or how long it’ll take, but I never do. This would be easier if I had someone to hate, to blame all my problems on, but I’ve just got me. 

And. I know you’re not mine anymore, but it’s still hard to talk about you in the past tense. I think about you, even when I’m the best mood I’ve been in weeks. I think about what you’d say, your smile. 

I don’t want to open my heart anymore. I want to focus on me. I want to focus on my album. I don’t have the energy or the time to waste on this. All I know is that I’m getting on this plane and then I’m falling asleep.

[baddestrin]

sometimes I think you were my one chance. I don’t remember how to love anyone else. I want you back more than I want anything in the world, but I can’t do this to myself again. I can’t keep wishing for things that’ll never happen. I’m not this sad person. I don’t feel like me... and I hate it. I’m annoyed with me too. How long are you gonna be like this, Chaerin? Don’t pity me. I don’t want it.

Messy, remember? I only get messier as time passes.

[baddestrin]

It says a year ago now, but it hasn’t been a year... it’s been 10 months. 322 days since you sent me that message. The last one. so, when does this get easier?

[baddestrin]

I feel so restless and... frustrated. I’m not good at being patient. I know it’s coming around again and I’m getting annoyed and angry faster than I should.

And I’m thinking about it again, wondering why do we even let other people get so close that you don’t feel like yourself when they’re gone for good? How long’s it been? I’m still stumbling into those little pieces, they don’t feel like they belong to me anymore. It makes me never want to get that close again, but then what’s the point of loving anyone if you don’t love them with everything you have? Even if the deeper you love the deeper the pain will be... I can’t resist. 

Anyway. I’m watching The Wedding Planner again. Jennifer Lopez romance movies understand me. 

[baddestrin]

I heard someone say the other day that... the way something ends always colors how you look back at the whole thing. How the memories feel. It made me think about how I don’t want that to happen with you. I loved you and you loved me and that was all we needed. You’ll always have a piece of me and I think I’ll always have a piece of you too. I still see you in the tiniest things. I want to look back happily, because we were so happy. You were one of the most wonderful parts of my life. 

I still miss you, but that isn’t new. I miss a lot of things about you, but it’s okay, it’s okay. I want to look back with a smile on that day this month. I’ll do my best, right? To smile. You’d want me to smile.

[baddestrin]

he smiles, he smiles, he smiled.

old messages, huh? I didn’t know I still had them and I didn’t want to look, but I already did. that was... over 3 years ago. It doesn’t feel like it. 

I found something I wrote to myself back then too, it’s kinda... horrible. It wasn’t all good, it wasn’t all bad. I feel like I don’t even know who that was back then. But now it’s all fading together and I don’t know what to think or even if I should.

[baddestrin]

I was looking through things today, a lot of old things. bad idea, right? I think you would have told me to stop, but I did it anyway. you know me. I still have that message. I couldn’t delete it, you told me to keep it so... I am. I wonder if you saw the message I wrote you... I was really missing you that day. I still am. I just hope maybe you’ll see it sometime. I know... it’s not the same, but I really meant everything I said to you. I know you meant what you said to me too.

I keep writing to you here, as if you'll see it, I don't actually think you will. I don’t know if it even matters anymore. it feels like I’m writing to myself a little more, but it helps. it does. I just don’t want to regret anything I said to you or feel like it was for nothing.

I won’t throw out anything you gave me. I want to remember it all, even if it hurts right now. even if things didn’t turn out like we wanted or planned. I feel like I’m lingering too much, but every time I’m happy for a moment I feel bad about it too. I’m somewhere in between, but... I was reminded by someone that I can take my time. I don’t need to force anything. today was a sad day, but. that’s what happiness is. you can’t lock it up in a box and think you can always have it. it comes and it goes and you have to let it. I don’t want to get too caught up there, even if sometimes I’d just like to forget everything and live like some happy fool, no memories at all. I could never do it, even if I really wanted to. just. thank you, for having so much happiness with me for so long. It wasn't any less in those moments because it ended now. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I can say that. it’s the truth.