Happy New Year... I guess...
You know, when I decided 12 years ago that I wanted to erase the bad that came with New Year's Day, I really wasn't expecting it to go back to being bad again. I did that specifically to bring joy back to that day that caused me a lot of pain and suffering, and I thought it would stay that way for the rest of my life. Having a new start, a fresh start, with someone that I love, being able to start it over, and just... feel happy about the future again...
That unfortunately, all went away when you died this year. And now, once again, I'm left with an empty hole in my heart over the same day that broke me so many years ago, unable to celebrate it or even find meaning in wanting to. Now the day just reminds me of 'what ifs' or 'broken dreams', or 'forgone promises'. I can't ever look at New Year's Day the same way ever again.
For so many people, it's a chance to start over, it's a chance to leave behind what happened. For me, it's just going to be a constant reminder of what has happened, what has come and what never will be.
...I'm not allowed to start over. I'm not allowed to step into a new year and forget what happened. Because the beginning... cripples me from the start. Now I walk into the new year and just... am instantly reminded of what I don't have.
What I'll never have. What should've been the checkpoints... only feel like hellish barriers as I creep into my own future.
... And I just don't think I can... nor will... ever, be able to take that back.
Aishiteru Zutto, Kimberly Damaris Mejicanos-Flores.
Itsumo soshite eien ni.
Forever in my heart and engraved in my soul...