Today I attempted to have a nice birthday party. A game night with some friends and food. Nothing crazy.
I spent most of my day cleaning and making sure everything was set. My spouse did a bunch of work after he got home from work. We busted our asses to make sure things were nice and people would be comfortable.
No one came.
My hubby, brother-in-law and I watched a movie and played a game. Brother-in-law had to leave around 10pm, and hubby and I went to bed shortly after.
I love my spouse. He worked his ass off for me today (soon to be yesterday.) I am extremely sad that no one else deemed it important enough to come. Out of 20 people I invited, none came. Not one.
I do not rank high enough in anyone’s life (husband is the exception, and I would hope so,) that they can spend a few hours with me once a year.
How fuckhing sad is that? I spent the last 30 minutes crying over not mattering. I never matter enough to anyone for them to spend time with me, at my event. Never have. My sister’s always had lots of people at their birthdays. I usually had one or two, and they came to hang with my sisters.
I do not matter to anyone.
Why do I bother trying?
It hurts. To know that you do not matter much to anyone. Why don’t I matter? I don’t understand.
They tell me I am “cool” and seem nice and worth knowing. I am a nice person. I visit people on their terms all the time. Why can’t they visit me on my terms? Once a fuckhing year!
Is it too much to ask?
It must be.
I know that I am easy to forget about. I do not stand out much. Mostly harmless, just like Douglas Adams’ description of Earth.
just a speck in a sea of specks, nothing special about me.
nothing at all.
so, why do I keep trying?
because, I have hope that one day, I will meet someone who will care enough about me to spend a few hours a year with me on my birthday. I may be 90 when that happens, but I have hope.
Now that I have gotten this out, maybe my red puffy eyes and I can go to sleep.
