#notmusical

[mariannericeauthor-blog]

You’re welcome. Happy singing 🎤 #tompetty #notmusical #lyrics #todaysfunny #thingsthatmakemesmile #writersofinstagram #writingcommunity

[nedsanderslyrics]

The Life of an OG (extended version)

I'm funny and disturbing Like a 9/11 joke, I like my girls like my whisky Mixed up with coke.

But I don't do coke, no I stick to Pepsi, And I know that I'm popular, Vodafone text me

The other day I was in the station, Filling in my railcard application, The lady asks for my signature, I'm like: 'woah bitch, I'm ain't gonna give it to ya!'

Seems everyones after my autograph, It's embarrassing harassment, I still laugh, But deep inside I'm crying, screaming, Wish that this was all a dream but

The life of an OG's Not all its cracked up to be. I got my face on TV, A cameo role on Glee.

A cameo role on Glee, a cameo role on Glee, a cameo role on Glee.

I have sex every day and every night, Bitches to the left and bitches to the right But it's not as much fun as it might seems, I've become desensitised to dopamine,

Thats the chemical released in your brain each time, You bust a nut, like I bust a rhyme. I can't improvise I'm a freestyle failure. I sound even worse than Iggy Azalea.

I worry that irony apparent in my songs, Isn't as apparent as was previously thought. So in an effort to make sure I don't get misconstrued, I'd like to reassure you all that I'm not actually rude.

Anyway, what was I saying? Yes that's right tonight I'm praying, For a big black bitch with a tendency for saying: "Oh yes, Ned yes, come and give me head yes. I love it when you do that to me, oh fucking God bless."

I'm crude, I'm rude, but the ladies love it and it really gets them in the mood. But I don't want love and I don't want sex, I get enough sex and I've felt the effects.

All I want is a bitch who'll happily, settle down and play a nice game of Monopoly.

Settle down and play a nice game of Monopoly.

The life of an OG's Not all its cracked up to be. I got my face on TV, A cameo role on Glee.

A cameo role on Glee, a cameo role on Glee, a cameo role on Glee.

I'm a bit like Jesus, once you get me running, Then you better be ready for the second coming. I am Led Zeppelin and you are One Direction, I am visible abs and you're a visible erection.

I'm the first Matrix movie, you are the sequels, I'm original Star Wars and you are the prequels. I am Paul McCartney before he got old, You are Paul McCartney after he got old.

(The point I'm trying to make is that I'm considerably better than you. Yeah.)

Currently the UKs in a similar position, economically and culturally to Germany in 1920, During the events leading up to Nazi government and Hitler's rise to power and the start of World war 2.

And Hitler's rather similar to Nigel Farage, they're both charismatic and they like to be in charge.

So theoretically If UKIP ruled our country. We'd be setting ourselves up For world war 3. And the minorities, Which at the time were the Jews, Are now the Muslims, Drop the mic, I just delivered the truth.

But don't mind me, I'm just a MC, Just a humble OG. Politics ain't for me. Besides I'm way too busy having lots and lots of sex. With fine ass bitches, baby, no regrets.

But there's more to life than banging bitches, I'm all about catching golden snitches. Harry Potter, Hogwarts, wizards and witches. Appealing to Potter fans, that's good business.

Oh dear god don't make me cry, why did Dumbledore have to die?! There's so much pain in the world you see, It's difficult being an OG.

The life of an OG's Not all its cracked up to be. I got my face on TV, A cameo role on Glee.

The life of an OG's Not all its cracked up to be. I got my face on TV, A cameo role on Glee.

A cameo role on Glee, a cameo role on Glee, a cameo role on Glee.

scatting

[bantertelli]

So playing the guitar is not for me 😶😶

[nedsanderslyrics]

Welcome (for the Hurtwood Charity Concert 2015)

Oh, oh, welcome to the show. Let me tell you how it's gonna go. We'll sing a couple songs, It'll be hosted by Cam Watson. So give some money, please, To help cure heart disease, If you can afford the school fees, A couple quids not much to ask. You selfish bastards. It's really not that hard. We're up here, on the stage. For you, pouring out our hearts. So reach into the pocket, Of your Armani jacket, And pull a little cash out of, Your Gucci snakeskin wallet. And give a little dosh to those less privileged than you, Your mum's all drive Mercedes and one day you will too, You all paid money to come to this gig, For that we're grateful, and we hope you like it. And if you don't like it, Then I don't really, care, Because you already paid for it, you stupid bastards. The wealthy live a life of debauchery and decadence, And never have to deal with the morals or the recompense, So you must be severely lacking in the way of common sense, If you think you can continue keeping up the fake pretence, That one less line of cocaine at the weekend wouldn't serve, To feed family of Ugandans with the money you'd preserve. So come on, Come on, You've been revelling in your privilege for far too fucking long, So come on, Come on, Consider this a wake up call in the format of a song, Come on, Come on, Alleviate your guilt and wipe your moral conscience clean. So come on, Come on, And welcome the charity concert 2015, 2015, Wipe your moral conscience clean in 2015. It's 2015, Please turn off you're mobile phones,

[seagoonlovesyouall]

A Love Song

It's been all day long I've been thinking of you, You drive me crazy with the things that you do.

And I sit by the phone and I'm falling apart, You know I know the number off by heart.

And I dial it in and I pick up the phone, And my heart goes mad when I hear the tone.

And I'm waiting for you and I don't know what to do, Then it's: 'Dominoes Pizza, how Cani help you?'

And that's when I know, you're on the way. Cos you're the perfect end to a beautiful day.

I'll have a large pepperoni and a side of cheese dippers, I that's when I know, I know that nothing can rip us apart.

Pizza is a work of art.

Pizza has a place in my heart.

And in my mouth.

And you arrive at the house and the delivery guy, Looks at me with jealousy as I say goodbye.

And now we're alone, and it's time to begin. I open the box and I feel like I'm committing a sin.

But in a sexy way.

When I see you its a mixture of love and lust, From your warm gooey cheese to your crunchy, crunchy crust.

And it's time to get busy and take out a slice, And I put you in mouth and oh my lord that is nice.

You feel so good in my mouth.

You feel so good.

Pizza.

Pizza is a work of art.

Pizza has a place in my heart.

And in my mouth.

So good in my mouth.

Yeah, baby.

Pizza.

In my mouth.

And in my heart.

Clogging up my arteries.

[nedsanderslyrics]

Intro Song

Welcome to my show. Let me tell you how it's gonna go.

I’ll sing a few songs. They’ll mostly be about three or four minutes long.

There’ll be satire and wit, but mostly bullshit.

There’ll be angst and rage, but mostly shitty lyrics that popped into my head at four in the morning, which I wrote down on a page.

So sit back and relax, grab a drink and listen to the facts.

Grab a pint, if that’s what’ll please ya, or if you’re a pussy, grab a Bacardi Breezer.

Provided you’ve significantly lowered your standards.

You’re in for a treat, get ready for Ned Sanders.

Ned Sanders.

That’s me!

[nedsanderslyrics]

Friendship

I would help you hide a body without asking any questions, no I wouldn't even call the police.

I would help you cut the body into lots of little pieces, because that's just what friendship is.

And if the cops came round for tea and started interviewing me, What kind of best friend would I be to give away our secrecy.

Our friendships co-dependency's dependent on our trust, you see. To break it would be tantamount to blasphemy or heresy.

Oh. I'd help you hide a body, I would help you hide a corpse it's true. If you told me there was a dead hooker stuffed in the trunk of your Subaru.

I would help you hide a body, I would help you hide a corpse that's right. If I came into your house covered in blood and guts one night.

Of course I'd help you hide a body it's a common curtesy. Besides I know that if you had to, you would do the same for me.

And I'm not implying anything but theoretically. If I'd accidentally killed a prostitute then you'd help me.

I'm speaking hypothetically but I really had. And she was in the boot of my car in a big black bin bag.

I'm assuming that you'd help me out because you are my friend. And real friendship is a miracle that never ever ever ever ends.

I'd help you hide a body. You'd help me hide one too. Hypothetically and theoretically that's something you would do.

You would help me hide a body. Can I clarify that fact. Even if the body wasn't technically completely in tact.

Technically you do owe me a favour, am I right? Because I leant a couple cigarettes to you last Thursday night.

I know the favours might not be fully proportionate per say. But I could really use a hand, I've had a pretty hectic day.

Obviously this is theoretical so far, But the smell of rotting flesh has started stinking out my car.

So if you're gonna help me out, you think that we could it fast. Then pretend this never happened, we can put it in the past.

Oh. Can you help me hide a body? Do what Jesus would have done. He'd have helped his friends, come man, help me out, it might be fun.

Can you help hide a body? We could bury it out back. Or just melt it in your bathtub like that scene in Breaking Bad.

Breaking Bad.

Breaking Bad.

Because nothing solidifies friendship quite like mutual pacts of secrecy. And nothing solidifies friendship quite like mutual criminal conspiracy.

And I try with a little help from my friends. I get by with a little help from my friends. I try with a little help from my friends.

And I hide a dead hooker's body with my friends.

[nedsanderslyrics]

The Way I Feel

I don't like heavy metal music, I'm sorry but that's just the way I feel.

I don't like it when the drumming is too fast and the words are incomprehensible.

And the music is so frantic that you can't make out the melody, The lyrics are so angry and so horribly and terribly violent.

I'd rather listen to silence.

I don't like hip hop music, I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel.

I don't like all the rapping and beat-boxing and the unnecessary objectification of women.

And the bitches and the hoes and the guns and the dope, All seem to me to seem to scream: 'male insecurity'

Seems clear to me.

I don't like country and western, I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel, I don't like all the Yankee Doodle bounciness, it annoys me rather a great big deal,

It has a false and artificial, over-optimistic tone, It seems alien to me and just too far away from home and just a little bit silly.

A little bit too hill-billy.

I don't like pop music. I'm sorry but that's just the way I feel. I don't like it when the songs are uninspired and the bands are all managed by Simon Cowell.

And the members and their music and their clothing is all orchestrated by the men in suits, to appeal to the teenage market.

I just can't stomach it

I don't like my own music. It's stupid but that's just the way I feel. I wish I was a natural singer and my voice didn't sound so unprofessional.

But I've got a lot of thoughts going on in my brain, I'd like to put them down on paper, if that would be okay, I like having a creative outlet,

And I think I've found it.

So I'll keep writing if that would be okay, and I'll keep playing on my little ukulele,

That's just what I'll do. And to think I only picked it up because a pretty girl told me to.

In terms of romance, ukulele can only go so far,

In retrospect I guess I should have taken up guitar.