The Mute Boy with The Exploding Head: A Circus Sideshow of Problems.
What happens when your problems with someone root from one single problem that you're not allowed to talk about? How do you tell someone I need you to step-up their game in another because the root problem makes it where their game needs to be stepped up? The words unspoken eat me alive always stifled because the root problem stems to this problem. I look young from my age, 10 years, give or take, I think my reluctance to be in a relationship for the last 10 years left me almost unscathed by age, I see why people age so fast, he owes me rent for living in my head almost non-stop the past few months. I think about him almost constantly, it unhealthy, I know. Why is it so hard for me to not get verbal affirmation that his attraction is real when he's right in front of me or accessible to me almost constantly, everyday? Why is it so hard for him to give me something that seems so seemingly easy for me to give? I ask myself is he romantic? Can he be romantic? I guess I’m scared to ask these questions cause I’m afraid of the answers. More than likely no, he's not. But am I quick to judge? Do you see? Do you see now that constant circus or berating questions that I ask myself daily? The other day in the tub I imagined two mes having a conversation debating two sides of a subject. It actually got heated. Im fucking crazy. But I still fuckkng want him.