#noxposting

[oldmencollector]

stupid bunny experiences fresh air for the first time💔

my plushies usually stay in my bag whenever i go outside but today i was feeling brave :333

[deepaquamac]

I’m just glad Nox gets his nerf gun back next week.

I also like that nothing he said this week was clear enough to explain whether he knows what’s going on or not. Never change king. Well change a little bit so you don’t…ya know. Die. Again.

Also that ring of his is back. I remember wondering if it was important the last time we saw it. Maybe now we’ll get some answers?

[do-it-for-radagon]

I commissioned Adrianne's Nox wand [originally drawn by DragonsAria] from Moyo. Now me and my bf will be working on modding it into the game! Showcase under the cut:

[0zzysaurus]

Mango Jelly 🥭🥭 🧡

Idk why, I'm sorry asdfghjkl

HES A LITTLE JELLY I-

[oldmencollector]

Why Jean is so important to me

Welcome to my insane ramblings, enjoy your stay (or don't). Most of this is also very self-indulgent, by the way. Warning: Mentions of abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, self-destructive thoughts I'd also like to remind you that this isn't me justifying Jean's behavior in any way, he's a fucking asshole and doesn't know how to handle Harry, or himself. They're both flawed individuals and that's okay. This is just me talking about my own experiences. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the actual thing.

I'm not even sure where to start. When I first found out Jean had clinical depression, I immediately felt a connection. It's relatable. Very relatable, in fact. I myself have been depressed for years. It all started at a young age, I was about 13, but due to trauma it could be very much earlier than that. I don't remember much from my childhood because most of it are bad memories. I'm 21 now and still going through a lot of shit, so it's been about 8 years. Jean strikes me as a guy who has been fucked over his entire life, no matter where he goes or what he does. It always comes back to him. After I have finished DE for the first time and looked more into the lore of Jean and Harry, I started to notice the similarities between the relationship with him and Harry, and the relationship with me and my own parents.

I know what alcohol does to people, I've seen it all. And it's not great for either parties. I'm stuck in a repetitive cycle of wanting to help someone to get better, only to realize that they don't want to get better and then I start building hope again. Rinse and repeat. I know I cannot change them. But I keep hoping for a change anyway, and get upset when it never comes. Of course it doesn't. No matter what I've tried. I have tried so many times. I'm a fucking hypocrite because I sometimes drink as well. I don't want to become like them. I drink for fun every once in a while and try to not over-do it, because every time I touch alcohol, something in the back of my mind tells me I'm becoming like my father. I thought about smoking a few times, but I don't want to destroy myself like my mother does. I'm really fucking scared of smoking and its consequences. Which is funny, because I should be as scared when it comes to alcohol, but I'm not. They both drink every day at 3 pm, after work. Every single day.

And it has been like this for years. Nothing has ever changed. A few months ago I had an actual discussion with my parents. We usually never have these sort of conversations (That's the issue, by the way. A very big lack of communication. Does that ring any bells?) and I was actually surprised when they told me they wanted to lay off the alcohol. I tried to approach the topic carefully and even offered them help (therapy etc.) but.. they also didn't want that. They straight up told me they don't need help. Which is really fucking frustrating because I want them to understand that they do, but they don't care.

I know change is really fucking hard and I've been there, but my parents had so many opportunities to change and never took them. Nothing has changed for so many years and I'm tired of it. I'm waiting for a change to happen but I know it's never coming anyway. I'm tired, mad, disappointed. That's how Jean feels about Harry, he just doesn't know how to help him and is an ass about it. And I'm just letting it happen, because there's nothing else I can do. I'm watching them destroy themselves every day and it fucking hurts. Something in me still feels a tiny flame of hope, when in reality that flame is already extinguished. I want people to understand, my father really fucking reminds me of Harry. The emotional abusive, the physical abuse, the alcoholism, the sexist remarks.. It just screams Harry. Especially given with how he had been around people Pre-Martinaise, which I have read in the game inside the damaged ledger. The fact that I love Harry to a certain degree says a lot of things.

The marriage between my parents is like if Dora never left Harry, and it's fucking awful.

-

That is mostly why I can relate to Jean so much. There's also some smaller things and I'll get to those now.

He fucking sucks at feelings. You can see it with the way he's trying to handle Harry, and it's not working.. Which, yeah. I suck at those too.

He likes to hide his sadness underneath a layer of cynicism and sarcasm as a coping method.. I do this all the fucking time.

Let's face it, this man is a fucking nervous wreck. He picks at his facial hair and displays a lot more habits like that, like him fixing his clothes (even though they look clean, according to one of the skills in the game), running his hand through his hair.. I do this without even realizing it.

He's depressed and fucking empty on the inside. He most likely hasn't felt real love from anyone or for himself in years. He needs therapy (lots of it), anti-depressants and a hug.. And I know what that feels like. I know it too well.

Lastly, he's a fucking mess. Like in every single way imaginable.. Again, very relatable.

Jean is such an amazing character for me to project on, to relate to and to find comfort in. I'm glad they made him fucked up, because that's what I love about him. He has so many flaws and I love every single one of them. He's in the game for like 15 minutes or less, but the impact he's had on me is insane. I've had a fair share of characters I would obsess over, but Jean hits different.

I'm so glad Jean-Heron Vicquemare exists, because I wouldn't know where I would be if I never met him. I want to thank my lovely friend (who is not on here, but I'm still saying it because I care about him a lot) for gifting me this amazing game.

And I want to thank you for reading this mess of a post.

If you have made it this far, I want to show you one last thing.

[oldmencollector]

i know no one cares but this is how i would look next to adam. how fucked am i chat?

[oldmencollector]

I'll finally write about something more positive for once. LMFAO.

Ever since I was a teenager, I always have hated my voice because I have been bullied for it a lot. It's something that really took a toll on my mental health and my self-esteem in general... My voice was never exactly the typical "squeaky uwu girl" voice, but more on the androgynous side. At the time I didn't put that much thought into gender identity and craved the feeling of wanting to be a girl. My voice has been called all sorts of things; "weird", "alien-sounding", "too boyish" etc. Which.. really made me hate it, especially when the people around me said it all the time. I was so afraid to talk in my classes. I was afraid of not being taken seriously whenever I had to read out something or wanted to ask a question. I remember crying to my teacher because my voice wasn't the way I wanted it to be. I was in 9th grade.

As I grew up and got more into voice chatting online with friends, no matter if I was gaming with them or not, I began to feel way more comfortable with my voice. To my surprise, everyone told me I sounded normal. I obviously didn't believe any of that and thought they just wanted to be nice to me. Then I started talking with new people over VC as well and.. it really has been a life changer for me. I can talk with confidence about almost anything. I can say all sorts of shit without worriying how it's going to sound to the other person.

One day I decided to buy a better mic and began including my voice in recordings, like video game clips. I even voice acted some stupid memes for friends. I've been making shitty RP films (mostly inspired by people like Bedbanana) with my friends in Garry's Mod and it's the funniest thing ever. It also made me realize how insane my vocal range can be.

It's honestly the best thing I've ever done in my opinion, it's like all the weight I have been carrying over the years has disappeared.

I can finally love my voice. I love listening to my voice. I love hearing my own laughter with friends in clips. It's a very big step in my opinion. Looking more deeply into the topic of gender identity has also changed my opinion on my voice drastically. In a good way.

If someone out there struggles with the same issue I had, I can assure you it will get better if you put enough effort into it. You got this.

[oldmencollector]

good fucking lord i just went through almost my entire blog to edit posts.. i know that mass post editor exist but i dont like using it so i'm doing it the painful way. i'm done now lmfao new art tag is #noxart but theres still some work to be done on my older drawings

do i deserve a snack chat. do i deserve it. it took me like 3 hours