#ntengh

[ntengh]

i wish i could see you. i search for but i tell nobody i look for you oh gosh i hear your voice and it kills me  i miss you. i said it. i miss you but im too late im too late i guess im not ready to hold your gentle heart. it rips me apart im sorry for my heart. i look for your voice you will laugh but i cant handle myself i lose ist i lose it i lose myself i look for understanding and u knew me so much. i lose it. im the loser

[ntengh]

the cliff is near the breath gets harder my feelings lower when will it be over  with me? I'm feeling nothing at all, just panic all over my body. I just wanna numb myself, want to search for help but the universe is not working with me we're not walking hand in hand fighting against me. the natural smile in my face left without a warning  without asking if its okay. later i will go out take some bad habits for me and get lost in the world. the liquor in my hand lays down in my stomach i feel warm i feel it but not me anymore. I'm so near to leave myself. I fight for help but lose myself while fighting Who am I fighting against??? myself or the bad one? Is the bad one also me? it's a part of me. I*m ready to go left so many broken hearts it rippes me apart I know I'm hard to love to hold to be. don't come close to me! maybe we will see us in another time. Because the pictures in my head get more and more clearer rushing trough my brain like a river i have nothing to hold on to the water so heavy  the water so fast. visions of killing the demons screaming for pain. I can't explain  just wanna be hold and also be killed? Can I have a wish please? Leaving.

27.05.2021, I’m losing the fight

[ntengh]

I did my way.

I won against myself

I lost my fear of losing my own on a way

I can do more than I expected

New level

New me

We will see what will happen

I'm open to look forward .

I look forward trough my anxiety.

I look above myself.

Thank you for being there.

[ntengh]

I want you to become the person you want to be. I believe in you and in your thoughts and wishes. You get stronger. I get stronger.

I'm crying some tears because I feel. And there's just the fear of not being good enough. The people who love me, Love me like I am.

[ntengh]

ich kann dir nichts geben seh nur mein eigenes Leben immer wieder  den Bach runter gehen. Dreh mich im Kreis und torkel voran bis ich nichts mehr sehen kann rede so gerne und sage nichts weil keiner weiß wie man in meinen Kopf einsticht; Ein Messer kann helfen teil mich bitte in zwei Hälften

[ntengh]

Den Schmerz zu ergründen ist die erste Etappe. Sich Ruhe zu  geben dabei gehört dazu. Eine Stunde wirkliches nichts tun und ergründen. Der erste Schritt ist einer der wichtigsten.

selbst Motivation Nr.1

[ntengh]

Hey it's me I know maybe you are busy But I really Want to see you today, I don't know who I am and what I want to be, But i wish i could lay Down with you, That's how I feel. I don't have to stay so long If you don't want. Normal writing? I can't But this poem is just for You.

20.1.17 18:25

[ntengh]

Realisiere was ich verliere Doch ich probiere die Linie zu halten, Kein schwanken, auch kein festhalten. Mit geballten Fäusten steh ich nun hier Weit entfernt von Leuten die nur aus Gier Zu mir sich trauen, denkt ihr wirklich ich werde euch was tun, euch verhauen? Schaut ihr auch nur einmal in mich hinein; Kann das sein, dass mein Körper und Da sein nicht das richtige sind, um damit zu verweilen? Ihr eilt alle so schnell ihr könnt und ich bleibe einfach stehen und beginne zu sehen Was mir fehlt. Diese Hand, diese die mich leiten wird auf den richtigen Weg und ohne rückwärts zu schleichen mich voran bewegt.