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very sad lately thinking about relationships ): mourning the relationship i could have had w my mom and always trying to deal w that she cant love me currently the way that she is it's weird she's so hateful and brainwashed but we do have moments where i feel close when shes not regurgitating bullshit white religious doctrine up i remember being little and her explaining to me what gay + trans people are and there wasn't any hate it was just plain and factual and normal & then she started listening obsessively to catholic radio and she grew so hateful & i wish she'd stop plugging her ears to the real world and learn to be loving again bc it hurts a lot to be so close to someone so hateful when ik she wasnt always or at least that's how I remember my childhood w her i just wish she knew how much it hurts ): i really do love her more than my dad & she was always easier to be close to and there are moments where everythings dropped and it's just normal and nice and connecting but then it has to circle back to the church somehow i wish she was just someone i could share ice cream with and make food together and talk about her home & family & it was always like how it was before but now she loves church more than her family and it makes me sad iwish we could be like one of the families isee on TV or in books and we could have fun together but it's so distant and awkward and people hate each other and it's not loving all the time and my sister is moving far away and ihate growing up when it means growing apart & ive just been lonely lately i realize a lot people dont like talking to me one on one im not saying its true but i feel like people dont really consider me an integral friend 99.9% of people could live without me fine which im okay with i just wish people wanted to talk to me sometimes or i was less awkward and unapproachable or unpleasant and socially inept ive grown accustomed to being lonely sometimes it just hurts more than other times when im reminded of it