#nyare

[alaprochainefois]

this is the first month of the first year that you don't love me.

[alaprochainefois]

the pain in echoing silence and questions of "are those even real?", "am i worth anyting after this?", "am i capable of loving again?"

and the pain in resigned sigh of "i don't know"

[alaprochainefois]

sadness is not always deep and happiness is not always shallow.

they can be both and neither at the same time.

[alaprochainefois]

"You handled it so well"

I didn't. Five months since it happened and I still feel like dying every single day.

Five months of feeling my heart broken like it was the first time.

Five months of pain in my throat everytime I try not to cry.

Five months of trying my best to move on and heal but not making progress at all.

Five months.

And everyone expects me to be over it by now. I, even, expect me to be over it.

My brain keep telling me that this is too pathetic and I'm just making a big deal out of it. But my body and soul and especially my heart keep telling me otherwise.

So no. I didn't handle it well. I don't even know to handle it at all.

[alaprochainefois]

I met my younger self for coffee this morning.

We were both late. I was late by 5 minutes and she arrived 30 minutes later.

She ordered her favorite mocha frappe with one shot of hazelnut syrup. I ordered hot matcha latte. I told her I stopped drinking coffee now. She was shocked.

She wore an oversized shirt, skinny jeans, and her favorite vans. I wore a sleeveless blouse, cardigan, smart tucked shorts, and crocs. She looked at my cardigan funny but I told her I tend to get cold a lot now.

She asked me if we still cry a lot. I told her yes. “Things didn’t get better?” she asked again. I told her, it did.

She was confused but I told her that our life did get better. No, we didn’t become the person we wanted to be but we became the person we needed to be. I told her that we are softer now that’s why we still cry a lot. And it was not a bad thing.

She was quiet and after awhile she asked me if we finally fall inlove the way we envisioned it. I told her yes. But I didn’t tell her it ended and it hurt so bad. I didn’t want to scare her. Instead, I told her what a priviledged it is to love wholeheartedly.

She smiled, I hugged her and wiped away a tear.

I hope we can meet again for coffee.

[alaprochainefois]

I have a suicidal unconscious- if there’s such. Most of the time especially when I’m busy, it will stay unheard. But once in awhile it will come into the surface. It always comes unexpected. Sometimes after a really long rough day at work or rainy afternoon going home and transport system is fucked or because of a movie or whenever I think about my family.

On bad days, I will break down and intrusive thoughts will take over- a lot of emotions too. Of course there will be tears, a lot of it. It will be one hell of a rollercoaster.

On good days, I will try so hard to shove it back. I will tell myself that I’m not as destructive as I think I am. Because despite of the circumstances, I still try to wake up and plan for the day or even for the week. I still try to be a good friend or a good daughter or a good sister. I even take supplements. I do my skincare every night. I drink water. I still try to live. And for someone who doesn’t want to be here anymore, I’m doing great at trying to be alive.

Because maybe, as much as I want to die, I want to live as well. Maybe.

[alaprochainefois]

1am thoughts about “when he buys you book because he knows you love reading” because im on booktok.

i think it’s sweet but i don’t think i will i accept books again from someone im not sure about (lol ganda ka) bec i don’t want him to ruin reading for me.

or i won’t say yes to book fair dates anymore bec the last time i did i got scared and screwed it for the both of us lol. so no. off limits na sakin ung books and book fair. pag kasal na kami siguro emzz

[alaprochainefois]

n e w y e a r ✨

a bit late for that new year new decade post but im still doing it anyways lol! also, im quarter chinese, i celebrate chinese new year too hehe 😉 or i started my year with february. january, who? 🤪

i started the decade as a freshie full of dreams and hopes. and ended it with just wanting to sleep lol true story 🤪

to be honest, the past decade was so painful haha. probably because i entered adulthood and reality. and reality, i figured, is really a btch. i cried so much. i lost a lot of people and things— lost my courage to pursue anything, even. i had to battle myself out of self-doubt, frustrations, and anger. and most especially, i had to accept that the dream i made when i was a toothless kindergarten was not meant for me.

it was difficult. but it was beautiful. i learned that i was strong. stronger than i thought i am. that i may be a baby sometimes, still is for a lot of things 🤪, but i managed to be my own person standing steadily despite the waves and the currents.

it still hurts. some days, i still need to drag myself to face the world. there are days, i can’t. and it’s okay. it’s what the past decade has taught me— to accept that i will always have moments im scared of. and the new year has it’s hope that despite of it all, there will moments that i’ll love and treasure and copes with the pain.

and i think that’s the balance of life— the good days and bad days. i’m probably not okay but that’s okay, too