#nymph headcanons

[nymphalidaze]

Who do you think fell first, Sam or Dean? As always I have a million versions but the one I feel is most committed to is Sam in this version:

Sam is four years younger, so Dean's already well into puberty when Sam is just starting it. Sam is suddenly overwhelmed by hormones and getting random boners and having wet dreams, all while his stupidly pretty big brother is right there all the damn time. Most kids get crushes on older kids who seem (and usually are) so unobtainable, and Sam's fucked up because sure, he notices cute girls and is suddenly very interested in tits and glossy lips but he also can't stop seeing Dean in a whole new way.

Sam's still too young for Dean to be attracted to him, he's still firmly in the box of little brother/child in Dean's mind. He makes things so much worse for Sam by teasing him about all the awkward body stuff he's going through because that's what big brothers do. He doesn't have any clue how much he's killing Sam just by existing, the way Sam is mesmerised by the golden glow of Dean's skin in sunlight, the shift of his muscles, the shape of his ass, the cute dusting of freckles that Sam knows spreads across his whole body and he wants to taste with his tongue, the red of his lips when he's been chewing them - fuck, the fucking oral fixation he has chewing on everything and anything. Just everything about him was made in a lab to drive Sam insane.

He doesn't have any idea how hard he's making it for Sam. They have to sleep in the same bed. Dean gets morning wood and Sam wants to take care of it for him. Sometimes they end up tangled together and Dean just laughs off the awkwardness of them both being hard. Sometimes Sam suffers the humiliating experience of Dean either gently or not gently pushing him away when Sam ends up humping him in his sleep. Sam is terrified he's gonna moan Dean's name while he's dreaming because he dreams of him all the time.

Sam also forces himself to stay awake longer than Dean just to look at him while he jerks off, and sometimes he's brave enough to pull the covers down and touch him - just on his arms, his chest, his back, nothing too- okay fine sometimes his ass and his thighs. Of course he fantasises the whole time. Dean decided showing Sam skin mags was a necessary part of The Talk and it was all straight porn but he knows gay sex is a thing, and he can't. Stop. Thinking. About. It. He wants to fuck Dean. He wants to be fucked by Dean. He wants everything.

And they're in such close quarters all the time so sometimes he walks in on Dean watching porn and jerking off and Dean squawks at him to fuck off. Dean talks about his girls and the things they do and Sam seethes with jealousy. Sometimes Dean jerks off right next to him in bed when he thinks Sam is sleeping and Sam memorises all the choked back sounds he makes and if he is feeling brave he peeks.

And over time he gets other crushes and realises they don't feel half as intense as the way he feels about Dean. He's not only jealous of Dean for being cool and handsome and older and so cocksure and confident, but he's jealous of everyone who gets Dean's attention. He wants it all to himself. He wants Dean all to himself.

It takes years for Dean to notice him in the same way. A few growth spurts and a lot of muscle packed on from Dad's ruthless PT later, and suddenly Sam catches Dean looking. Finally.

Of course I also have a more depraved one with Dean being obsessive and weird about his cute little brother before Sam even really understands what sex is, but this is my favourite one. I love pining.

[nymphalidaze]

Do you think the boys ever had pagers before cell phones were common enough that John forked out for a few? Dean bothers Sam in class because he's bored. Dean memorises all the codes and Sam is stuck trying to figure out what 143 means and then blushes like a fool when someone says 'aw, you got a girl, Sam?' And he's confused until they say '143 means I love you'.

Of course Dean also sends 80085 and 420 and 606, which only ruins it a little.

[nymphalidaze]

I just know that when Sam grew taller than Dean, even if it was only a centimeter, he called Dean short to rile him up because that's his brotherly responsibility.

It always worked. Dean always blew up about being six ft one, which is NOT short, Sam, you gigantic freak.

Then it started to rile Dean up in other ways the taller Sam got. They could be standing close together in a tight hiding spot on a hunt, barely an inch between them, recycling breath, and Sam had his arm braced against the wall by Dean's head, a move Dean used on girls, and it felt like Sam towered over him. And he would see in Sam's eyes that he knew it too, but instead of being smug about it, he was silent, and there was an undeniable charged tension between them. They never addressed it.

And when Dean finally saw Sam again after years of separation and realised he was even taller, well. Hello size kink.

[nymphalidaze]

When it's almost omega!Dean's heat, alpha!Sam works out more than usual and doesn't do laundry. When Dean's heat comes, Dean has a basket full of potently-scented clothes to build a nest.

And then Sam fucks his brains out in it.

[nymphalidaze]

In the context of Dean fucking Sam when he's underage and much, much smaller, I've never seen a fic write about Sam struggling with being BIG when he grows up and how that fucks him up. Like, when you're young and you have a relationship with an older man and you KNOW that his attraction to you predominately hinges on your youth, part of which is being smaller, and then you grow up and you've spent your formative years subconsciously believing that this ephemeral version of you is the only desirable one, you feel disgusted by your mature self. You believe that your best years are behind you and you're not beautiful any more and you've gotten so used to the fucked up dynamic of older man/young you that anything else just feels wrong.

In my essay The Lolitafication of Sam Winchester, I will explore

[nymphalidaze]

This is the headcanon I'm most loyal to r.e. Dean's sexuality but I have other takes:

Dean not having any sort of sexuality crisis. The man's a hedonist. Sex with women? Awesome. Sex with men? Awesome. Different sexual experiences are awesome. Hot women are awesome. Hot men are awesome. If it gets him hot under the collar he's going for it. His life is so devoid of pleasure and comfort he isn't going to deprive himself of something he wants that he can actually have.

I think he'd still struggle with guilt and shame over incest but not the gay factor. It would be the only time he'd kind of wish he wasn't bi so he didn't experience attraction to his brother (or father). He would particularly struggle with his ingrained duty to always protect Sam, and it would probably take years for him to accept that Sam wants him too and it's not because Dean has corrupted him or abused him, in a context where their relationship starts when they're both young/pre-Stanford. It's mutual attraction and love.

Even in the context of growing up when he did, with sodomy criminalised, he doesn't care because he grew up breaking the law. Dean Winchester does not give a fuck about the law or society's views.

[nymphalidaze]

I feel like at some point Dean calls Sam a freak entirely in a joking light-hearted context and Sam just shuts down because he still has internalised that he is, in fact, a freak. And Dean doesn't know why he is suddenly in a bad mood and Sam won't tell him, and he never tells him that he still feels like a freak and that period of their relationship is still deeply painful for him to think about.

[nymphalidaze]

Personally, I think Dean likes riling Sam up with brotherly jokes and banter because he is a brat who knows that Sam is gonna put him in his place the second they're alone, but that's just me and my enlightened galaxy brain.