#o's lover

[magicistheworld]

Spring is a difficult time. 

My husband has locked himself in the library. I can hear him crying sometimes if I am near. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should not have married him. If he would have had a better chance with someone else.

(My lover says ‘not chance. The chance is that he’d be dead.’ I should listen to her. We plan and act for best likelihood, that is what we can do. It does not feel sufficient.)

(...And if we are by some chance somehow granted a permission someday, it will still not be the child he truly wants. It can never be.)

[magicistheworld]

I was required to attend an execution today.

It is a duty I do not find easy.

My husband was not required to come with me. I am glad for that.

(I believe one of the new servants noticed my mood, though I do try not to display it. I believe she thinks it is due to my own family background. It is not, at least not most largely so. (I might doubt myself in this more but my lover says the same and she has seen more family deaths than I have.))  

[magicistheworld]

I am very worried about my lover. 

Her family is - difficult at the best of times.

These times are tense and likely to get more so.

I hope we may all carry through.