#objectification station

[foundcarcosa]

@anthony.varecchia

[messengerhermes]

How do people make you feel?

So, not to be overly personal, but how do your lover's words make you feel about your body? I notice a lot of advice focuses on what your lover says about you, and how positive things look like this and mean things look like this and it isn't acceptable if they say mean things. However, if while it's important that people who claim to desire us not say insulting things about our bodies, people can say things that on the surface read as complimentary but something underneath makes us feel bad about ourselves. For Example: Ricki's partner Jay loves their butt. Jay makes up songs about Ricki's ass, compliments the way their clothes fit all the time, and will take any opportunity they have to touch Ricki's butt. At first, Ricki appreciated the attention, after all they actually like their butt too, but over time, they feel uncomfortable in ways they don't know fully how to express. Sometimes Jay sulks if Ricki asks them to stop touching their butt, or says they don't want to hear a song about their ass in that moment. Jay argues they can't help it and are just showing them appreciation, and that they feel shamed for their desires. So Ricki feels guilty and stops saying no as often. But sometimes Jay points out when they notice other people looking at Ricki and makes guesses about whether that person wants to have sex with Ricki. Ricki's said this makes them uncomfortable, but Jay argues it's to be expected given how Ricki fills out their jeans. Ricki starts struggling to get dressed in the morning, feeling weird about their body and clothes and worried about what strangers may say or think about them depending on what they wear. What's the problem here: Jay's words may praise Ricki's body and appear complimentary, but if Jay keeps saying and doing things even after Ricki expresses discomfort, then those compliments are no longer about making Ricki feel good about themselves. Partners should compliment us in ways that make us feel appreciated and feel good about our bodies. Those compliments shouldn't make us feel like our comfort or desires don't matter, that our bodies exist for other people's enjoyment, or that our partner's are "winning" because our body is a prize they get to have. Your body belongs to you, and others can praise your appearance or let you know what they find attractive about you, but they should never make you feel as if your body belongs to them or exists for their enjoyment.