Could’ve Fooled Me
Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader
Masterlist
Context / Tropes: • Secret relationship, Mean!Rafe, Kook!Reader, Angst with moments of fluff
warnings: emotional manipulation, toxic relationship dynamics, public humiliation, sexual comments, strong language, angst, hurt/no comfort, secrecy, internalized shame, unhealthy attachment
a/n: this chapter contains some heavier emotional content and relationship toxicity, so please read with care <3
⊹₊˚‧︵‿₊୨ᰔ୧₊‿︵‧˚₊⊹⊹₊˚‧︵‿₊୨ᰔ୧₊‿︵‧˚₊⊹⊹₊˚‧︵‿₊୨ᰔ୧₊‿︵‧˚₊⊹
My relationship with Rafe was complicated.
That was the word I used whenever I couldn't bring myself to say what it actually was. Complicated sounded manageable. It sounded neat. It didn't sound like the kind of thing that kept me up at night, staring at my ceiling and replaying every look, every silence, every time he stood beside me and still somehow made me feel alone.
The truth was, it hurt.
We were together. Really together. Not casually, not halfway, not in some vague, meaningless way I could brush off if anyone asked. It was almost a year of stolen time and hidden touches. Quiet conversations in the dark. Fingers brushing under tables where no one could see. Kisses that felt so full of feeling they left me shaky for hours after. We built something real, something alive, in private.
And still, in public, I didn't exist.
Not in the romantic, thrilling kind of secret way either. Not the kind that makes your heart race because it's forbidden. It wasn't exciting. It wasn't passionate. It was just... humiliating. Like I was something to be tucked away. Something inconvenient. Something that didn't fit into the version of himself he showed everyone else.
I never fully understood why I accepted it.
Maybe because I loved him.
Maybe because when Rafe looked at me like I was the only person in the world, I could almost forget that the second we stepped outside, he'd go cold.
I told myself love was enough. I told myself that if what we had was real, if the way he touched me and looked at me and said my name when it was just the two of us meant anything, then the rest shouldn't matter.
But it did.
It mattered every single time Topper opened his mouth.
Topper never let anything go. Neither did Kelce. They had this way of making everything sound like a joke, like they were just messing around, but every word landed exactly where it was meant to.
"Didn't know you were a theater kid," Topper would say with that smug little sneer, like he'd caught me doing something pathetic.
Kelce would snort and bump his shoulder against Topper's. "What, you gonna start singing on the docks next?"
They'd laugh. Always laugh.
And I would smile like it didn't bother me because reacting would've made it worse. My chest would go tight. My stomach would twist so hard it made me feel sick. I'd keep my face calm and wait.
I always waited for Rafe.
For him to say, Knock it off. For him to look at me like he knew me. For him to do something, anything, that made it clear I wasn't standing there alone.
He never did.
Sometimes it was worse than silence.
Sometimes he joined in.
"Yeah," he'd say with this short laugh, shaking his head like I was ridiculous. "Didn't see that coming."
He'd say it so easily too. Like it cost him nothing.
Coming from anyone else, it would've stung. Coming from him, it felt like something inside me cracked clean through.
And the worst part was that half the time, when I looked at him after, there'd be this flicker in his face. Something tight around his eyes. Something unreadable. Like maybe he knew. Like maybe he hated himself for it. But he never took it back, and after a while, I stopped pretending that almost mattered.
Then there was Kiara.
One afternoon, somebody spat the word Pogue at me just because they'd seen me talking to her. Sharp. Mean. Ugly in a way that made the back of my neck burn.
The irony would've been funny if it hadn't hurt so much. We were all Kooks. Every single one of us. But that didn't matter. Not when tearing me down was easier than thinking for half a second.
I snapped before I could stop myself.
"I'm not a Pogue," I shot back, my voice already shaking. "You know that."
I hated that my voice shook. Hated that they could hear they'd gotten to me.
Rafe barely looked up.
He just shrugged, casual as anything. "Relax. It's not that serious."
I remember staring at him, thinking, Are you serious?
Not that serious.
Maybe not to him. But it was serious to me.
It was humiliating. It was isolating. It was exhausting.
Every time he laughed something off, every time he stayed quiet, every time he acted like I was asking for too much just because I wanted him to acknowledge me, it felt like a choice. Like he was choosing them. Choosing comfort. Choosing his image. Choosing everything else over me.
Like he was reminding me exactly where I belonged.
In the background. Unnamed. Unclaimed. Easy to overlook.
I told myself I should leave. I did.
There were nights I'd lie awake and think, I can't keep doing this. I deserve better than this. I deserve someone who won't touch me like they love me and then look straight through me the next morning.
Sometimes I even pictured it. Me walking away. Me finally saying no. Me choosing myself for once.
But I never did.
Because when it was just us, he changed.
He always changed.
The hardness in him would slip. His voice would go softer, lower, like he was letting me hear something no one else got to.
He'd pull me into him and press his mouth to my temple and say, "Hey. Come on. I didn't mean it like that."
Or he'd cup my face, forcing me to look at him, and murmur, "I'm sorry, okay? You know I care about you."
And I believed him. Every time.
Maybe that made me stupid. Maybe it just made me in love.
Because I did love him.
I loved him so much it scared me sometimes. Loved him deep enough that I kept making room for the hurt. Deep enough that I swallowed my pride and called it patience. Deep enough that I accepted apologies that started sounding more like routine than change.
Lately, though, something's different.
The hurt lingers longer. The words echo louder. The apologies don't settle over the damage the way they used to.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, this quiet, awful question has started to take shape inside me.
How long can love survive if it only exists in the dark?
"Coach has been running us into the ground," Rafe mutters, yanking his uniform shirt over his head like the fabric personally offended him. "Swear to God, it's like he gets off on making us suffer."
He drags the shirt down hard and exhales through his nose, already irritated at the day and it's barely started.
I sit on his bed and watch him through the mirror in my compact, pretending I'm focused on my mascara.
I'm not.
I'm watching the shadows under his eyes, darker than usual. The way his hair sticks up at the back because he clearly didn't bother fixing it properly. The slight slowness in his movements that he would never admit to, like he's more tired than he wants anyone to know.
There's something about him like this that gets to me every time. Not polished. Not smirking for show. Not sharp enough to cut anyone who gets too close. Just tired. Real. Mine, for a little while.
It makes my chest ache with this stupid, tender kind of love I can't ever seem to get rid of.
It's only eight-thirty in the morning. The sun's barely up properly. No one our age should be awake, let alone dressed and pretending to function.
But Rafe drives me to school almost every morning.
Under the excuse of tutoring.
At eight-thirty. Every day.
The lie is ridiculous, honestly.
I can already hear the way he says it to Topper and Kelce. Lazy voice. Dismissive shrug. Like it's barely worth mentioning.
"Yeah, man, it's just easier before class. Only time that works."
As if I'm a timeslot. As if I'm not the reason he gets up at all. As if he doesn't text me when he's outside and wait until I get in the car before peeling away from the curb.
The excuse is paper-thin, and we both know it.
I never call him on it.
Because even this is something. These quiet mornings in his room. These little pieces of him before the rest of the world gets him. These half-hours where he lets himself look at me like I matter.
It shouldn't be enough. But with him, somehow, it always feels dangerously close.
"Maybe you should try for captain again," I say, keeping my tone light while I run mascara over my lashes. I have to hold the compact awkwardly in one hand because he doesn't have a desk, so I'm perched on the edge of his bed with my knees tucked in, concentrating hard enough that my tongue presses against my cheek.
He lets out a humorless laugh from across the room. "Yeah, no. Hard pass."
I glance up. "Why not?"
Rafe looks at me like I've asked the dumbest question he's ever heard. "Because I don't feel like dealing with a bunch of idiots who need everything spelled out for them all the time."
I smile despite myself. "You say that about literally everything."
He starts buttoning his shirt, expression flattening into that smug look he wears so naturally. "Not everything."
Then, quieter, like he's trying to sound casual and missing by a mile, he says, "Come over tonight."
My stomach flips so fast it almost annoys me.
Part of it is excitement. The instant, stupid kind I can't control whenever he wants me close. Part of it is hesitation, old and familiar. The kind that asks, Tonight in private? And tomorrow what?
Still, I roll my eyes because if I don't tease him, he'll know exactly what that did to me.
"Oh, I'm sure you do," I say, snapping the compact shut.
His mouth twitches.
Then he crosses the room and stops between my knees.
Too close. Close enough that I have to tilt my head back to look at him. Close enough that his cologne, clean and expensive and so specifically him, settles into my lungs.
He always does this. Just steps into my space like he already owns it. Like he knows I won't move.
Maybe he does know.
"I bought that game you were talking about," he says, voice dropping slightly, that teasing edge creeping in. "Figured we'd order food. Hang out for a bit."
I raise an eyebrow. "Hang out?"
He gives me a look. "Don't start."
I bite back a smile.
His gaze flicks to my mouth for half a second, and my pulse picks up right away. It's embarrassing how fast my body reacts to him. How easy it is. How after everything, after all the ways he can hurt me, one look from him still makes me feel warm all over.
"Sounds perfect," I admit before I can stop myself.
Then I add, because I need some kind of shield, "But only if I get a chicken burger."
"A chicken burger?" he repeats, like I'm asking for something deeply unreasonable.
"Yes."
"That's your condition?"
"That's my condition."
He stares at me for a second, then leans in until his forehead rests against mine.
His eyes go mock-serious. "Then a chicken burger is what you shall receive."
I laugh softly.
He pauses, then adds, thick with sarcasm, "Babe."
"You're such a dweeb," I mumble, even though my whole face feels warm.
He grins at that. A real grin, not the sharp, mean version he gives everyone else. It's unfair, honestly, how different he can look when he's actually happy.
I try to shift away, mostly to save myself, but he suddenly drops his weight onto me and sends us both falling back on the bed.
I let out this breathless half-squeal, half-laugh and grab at his shoulders on instinct. "Rafe!"
"What?" he says, laughing like he's innocent.
"You're literally the worst."
"Yeah?" He dips his head and presses a quick kiss to my mouth. "You seem obsessed with me, so."
"You're insane."
He kisses me again. Quick. Light. Then again. And again.
Playful little pecks that make me laugh so hard I can barely get a proper breath in.
"Rafe," I say, squirming under him. "Stop."
He kisses the corner of my mouth. "Make me."
I shove weakly at his chest. "Just kiss me properly. You're so annoying."
He pulls back just enough to look at me.
And there it is.
That look. Dark eyes gone warm. Mouth curved like he knows exactly what he's doing to me. Something soft underneath all the arrogance, all the bite, all the damage.
Entirely too familiar. Entirely mine, for now.
Then he leans down and kisses me properly.
Slow. Certain. Unrushed in a way that feels almost dangerous, because it tricks me into believing he has nowhere else to be. Like the world outside this room doesn't exist yet. Like he isn't Rafe Cameron, and I am not the girl he hides.
One of my hands slides into his shirt, fingers curling there just to feel the warmth of him. To make sure he's real. To make sure this is.
His mouth moves against mine with a kind of confidence that should irritate me and somehow never does. He always kisses me like he knows I'll follow. Like he knows I already have.
When he finally pulls back, it's only enough to murmur against my lips, "So bossy."
I smile, breath still uneven. "Only with you."
And that's the truth.
There are versions of myself no one else gets. The softer one. The needier one. The one who wants to stay right here and pretend love can survive on moments like this.
With anyone else, maybe I'd hold more back. With him, I never really could.
For a few seconds, I let myself stay there.
Wrapped up in him. In the warmth of his body over mine. In the quiet hum of the morning. In the version of us that only exists behind closed doors.
I let myself pretend this is enough.
That the way he looks at me now matters more than the way he won't later. That his hands on my waist mean more than his silence in the hallways. That loving him like this isn't slowly hollowing me out.
Because soon, we'll pull apart. We'll fix our clothes. He'll grab his keys. I'll grab my bag. We'll slip right back into character like we always do.
I'll be the girl he tutors. He'll be the guy who barely looks at me at school.
And this soft, secret version of us will vanish the second we walk out that door.
That's the part that hurts the most.
Not that he loves me. I know he does.
It's that he loves me here. Only here.
And I hate how much of me is still willing to take that and call it enough.
---
"I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore," Kiara says, slamming her locker shut hard enough to make the metal rattle down the whole row.
I flinch a little at the sound but keep my shoulder pressed against the locker beside hers anyway, letting the cold seep through my shirt. It grounds me. Or maybe it just gives me something else to focus on.
Kiara scrubs a hand down her face and lets out this hollow little laugh that doesn't sound like her at all. "I've got Pope on one side and JJ on the other and I swear to God, I'm losing my mind."
I glance over at her. "That's dramatic."
"I'm being serious." She turns to face me fully now, her brows pulled together. "I know this makes me sound like a terrible person, but I don't even know if I want to be with either of them."
I shrug, trying to make it look easy, like this conversation isn't digging under my skin in ways I don't want to examine too closely. "Then don't."
She blinks. "What?"
"Don't be with either of them," I say again, a little slower this time. "You don't have to pick someone just because they're there."
Kiara stares at me like I've said something completely ridiculous. "But that's the problem," she says, pushing off the locker just enough to throw her hands up. "With Pope, it's easy. He gets me. Like, actually gets me. He knows when I'm joking, when I'm annoyed, when I need space. Everything with him just... works."
She trails off, chewing the inside of her cheek.
"And JJ?" I ask quietly.
Her whole expression changes.
It's so small I almost miss it, but it's there. Softer. More confused. More honest.
"JJ's a mess," she says, and there's this helpless little breath of a laugh in her voice. "He drives me insane. His ideas are always stupid, and somehow I still go along with them. He's reckless and loud and he never thinks anything through. Being around him is like standing too close to a fire. It's exhausting."
"But?" I say.
She looks down at the floor. "But he makes me feel alive. Like, in the worst way. In the best way too. And I hate that."
I nod slowly, even though something in my chest tightens so hard it almost hurts.
I know that feeling. I know exactly what she means.
The kind of person who wrecks your peace and becomes it at the same time.
"Maybe you need time," I say, and my voice comes out steadier than I feel. "Like, actual time. By yourself. Figure out what you want when nobody's in your face asking for something."
She doesn't answer right away.
The words just sit there between us. Heavy. Too honest.
Because I didn't just mean her. And I think some part of me knows that.
Kiara lets out a quiet breath. "That's what Sarah said too."
"Sarah?" a voice cuts in, thick with mockery. "What the hell does Sarah have to do with anything?"
My eyes close for half a second.
Of course.
"God, jog on, Topper," Kiara groans.
I straighten automatically, my back pressing flat to the locker now instead of leaning against it. Something instinctive. Defensive. Like my body knows before my mind catches up that this is about to go bad.
Then I see him.
Rafe.
My chest tightens so fast it steals my breath.
He's standing next to Topper like he belongs there, arms crossed over his chest, posture loose in that way he does when he's trying to look unaffected. His jaw is set. His expression is blank in that carefully controlled way I know too well.
And when his eyes flick to mine, there's nothing in them.
Nothing.
No warmth. No softness from this morning. No trace of the boy who kissed me breathless in his bedroom and laughed against my mouth like I was the only thing in the world worth smiling at.
Just cold. Flat. Dismissive.
Like I'm in the way. Like I shouldn't even be here.
My throat tightens.
He's pretending, I tell myself immediately. He has to be. This is the rule. This is how it works.
Still, it stings every single time.
"Shut it, Pogue," Kelce says, looking right at me.
His voice is full of that lazy kind of contempt that rich boys like him wear so easily, like cruelty's just another language they were raised speaking.
I let out a short, disbelieving scoff. "You do realize we're not even Pogues, right?"
Kelce shrugs. "Could've fooled me."
Before I can say anything else, Rafe speaks.
"Yeah," he says flatly. "Could've fooled us."
The sound of his voice hits harder than I want it to.
It's not loud. Not even especially mean by his standards. But it's careless. Distant. Like I'm nobody to him.
Topper laughs, loud and obnoxious, and the noise crawls all over my skin.
He'll fix it later, I tell myself. He always does. He'll pull me aside and lower his voice and touch my face and tell me he didn't mean it like that. He'll say he had to play along. He'll say sorry.
He always says sorry.
"Oh, really?" Kiara snaps, crossing her arms. "Why don't you three go ask daddy to donate some new uniforms? Yours looks a little tight, Top."
She gestures toward his chest, and for a second, despite everything, I almost smile.
Almost.
Topper gives her this fake amused look. "You're just jealous I won't hit."
Kiara makes a disgusted face.
And before I can stop myself, before my brain catches up with my mouth, I cut in.
"Yeah, right," I say. "Like we'd ever want your dick, Topper."
There's a beat of silence.
Kiara's eyes widen. Topper looks offended. Kelce starts laughing.
And from the corner of my eye, I see Rafe swallow.
It's subtle, but I notice it. I always notice him.
A flicker crosses his face. Tight. Sharp. Possessive in a way that sends a hot, confusing pulse through my chest even now.
If he gets jealous that easily, you'd think he'd finally do something about it. Say something. Claim me. Anything.
But of course, that's not how this goes.
Kelce tilts his head, looking between me and Rafe with sudden interest. The second the idea lands, I can practically see it happen.
"Oh," he says slowly, grinning. "She doesn't want Topper's."
My stomach drops.
"Kelce," Rafe says, low and warning.
But it's too late. And he doesn't sound angry enough. He sounds irritated, like this is inconvenient, not cruel.
Kelce ignores him completely. "No, no, I get it now. She'd want yours."
Topper barks out a laugh. "Jesus Christ."
Heat rushes up my neck so fast I feel dizzy.
"Shut up," I say, and I hate how thin my voice sounds.
Kelce's eyes narrow. "The way you stare at him? It's honestly embarrassing."
I don't. I don't stare.
Except maybe I do. Maybe sometimes I look too long in the hallways because even if he won't look back, I can't help checking anyway. Maybe I look for him in every room without meaning to. Maybe loving someone in secret teaches your body stupid habits before your head can stop them.
"I don't," I say, but the words come out smaller than I want.
Kelce grins wider, sensing weakness like guys like him always do. "You're a fucking stalker."
I look at Rafe then. Really look at him.
His jaw twitches. That tell. That tiny movement he gets when he's holding something back.
Hope sparks in my chest so suddenly it almost hurts.
Say something. Please. Just once, pick me.
Kelce glances at him, still smirking. "Isn't that right, Rafe?"
Rafe exhales slowly, eyes still on me. Too slowly.
For one stupid second, I think maybe he's not going to do it. Maybe he's going to tell them to shut the hell up. Maybe he's finally reached a line he won't cross.
Then his expression shifts.
Not much. Just enough.
That cold little curl at the edge of his mouth. That mean, detached look he slips into when he wants everyone around him to know he doesn't care.
"She would," he says.
Everything in me goes still.
Topper lets out this shocked laugh, like even he didn't think Rafe would go there.
And then Rafe does what he always does when he feels cornered. He pushes harder. Meaner. Crueler. Like if he's going down, he'll drag the whole room with him.
His lip curls.
"I'd have her screaming too."
The world drops out from under me.
For a second, I can't hear anything properly.
My heart slams so hard it climbs into my throat. Heat floods my face. My palms go slick. There's this awful ringing in my ears, like my body's trying to shut the whole moment out before it can settle in.
We had never talked like that. Not once.
Not as a joke. Not in front of other people. Not ever.
He'd touched me like I was precious. He'd kissed me like I was something worth being careful with. He'd held my face in both hands and looked at me like he didn't know what to do with how much he felt.
And now he's standing there talking about me like I'm a body. Like I'm a punchline. Like I'm something he can throw to his friends and laugh about after.
I could take the teasing. I could even survive the silence.
But this?
This feels like betrayal.
Real betrayal. The kind that doesn't just hurt. The kind that rearranges something inside you.
"Go fuck yourself, Rafe," I snap.
My voice cuts through the hallway sharper than I expect, loud enough that a few people nearby turn to look.
I don't care.
"Don't you have practice?"
For the first time, something breaks across his face.
It happens fast, but I catch it. Uncertainty. Regret, maybe. Something shaken loose behind his eyes like he only just realized how far he took it.
And God, I hate that some pathetic part of me still recognizes that face. Still knows him well enough to see the exact second the mask slips.
But he doesn't say anything.
He doesn't come after me. He doesn't tell Kelce to shut up. He doesn't fix it.
He just stands there.
And then Topper claps Kelce on the shoulder, laughing, and the moment is gone. They turn like it's nothing. Like they didn't just crack something open in the middle of the hallway and leave it bleeding.
They walk away loose and easy, all smug confidence and stupid laughter.
Rafe goes with them.
He doesn't look back.
I stand there shaking. My fists are clenched so tight my nails bite into my palms. My heart is still racing so hard it makes me feel sick. I stare at the floor because if I look up, I might cry, and there is no way in hell I'm crying here.
Beside me, Kiara mutters, "Douche."
I don't answer. I can't.
Because for the first time since being with him, I'm not standing here telling myself he didn't mean it.
I'm standing here wondering what it means that he did.
And the worst part, the part I don't want to look at too closely, is that I still love him.
I love him even now, with my face burning and my chest aching and humiliation sitting so heavy inside me I can barely breathe around it.
I love him enough to know exactly why he said it. Because Topper was watching. Because Kelce was pushing. Because Rafe would rather light something good on fire than let anyone see how much it matters to him.
I know him. I know the ugly, broken logic of him. I know that when he feels trapped, he gets mean. When he feels exposed, he makes sure someone else bleeds first.
And maybe that should make me hate him.
Maybe it would be easier if I did.
But all it really does is make me feel sick, because I know beneath all that cruelty, beneath the performance and the ego and the fear, he is still the same boy who looked at me this morning like I was the only soft thing he had left.
That is what makes this unbearable.
Not that I don't know who he is. It's that I do.
And I love him anyway.










