its so funny to think about to when i was in junior high and think about depressed i might have really been. now, im better. im not 100 percent happy, maybe about 75 percent but not fully. back then, it was like i was depressed for no reason. i didn't even know the true reason why or i did but didn't wanna admit it. i know now why the reason to my sadness, to wanting no friends, to no one understanding, to not wanting to talk about it because it's not something someone says for attention. it's something someone is ashamed of. im so ashamed of it that even thinking about it makes me hate myself and even the thought of trying to tell someone out loud makes me wanna die. ive told someone, one person, and then a week later they forgot. something that happened to me, that ruined me, ruined my fucking childhood and i fucking trusted them and told them and they just simply forgot and just treated me differently. after that i promised myself id never tell anyone of it. i promised myself to not get to close to people like i did before and keep it all in because in the end no one ever understands me. it's the usual 'you'll get better." "it's not your fault." "everything will be okay." "don't you want help?" "ill understand,i promise." im tired of hearing it. i truly am. it's why ive had friendships now that are good, close enough we can share some things and have a laugh but not to get into deep secrets because the thought of having a friendship like that terrifies me. because they'll want to know, and i hold too many secrets now to ever let someone get close. ive gotten use to hiding behind my mask, being a bitch, and pushing people away. it's one of the many reasons i dont let myself be a real teenager, get drunk, smoke, or even have crushes on people. i won't let myself because doing those things make me feel normal, and being normal feels horrible. i get anxiety when i have to be around a group of friends outside of school because i don't know how to act. i say stupid things and interrupt people and tell stories that no one cares about and i just fucking fuck up. it's why i tend to stay to myself. i need my space. honestly this post isn't too anyone at all beside's myself because i promised to myself as well that night when i cried admitting it all to myself that i'd never let myself forget, and this post will be here, when i need a reminder of what ruined me as a child, as a person
Its been a year since I’ve wrote this, I haven’t forgotten; just placed it in the back of my mind but I know it’ll be brought up in the near future as I started going to therapy last months. its been the hardest decision ive ever made but i hope it will help me. god please let it help me.
