seen from Russia
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Italy
seen from China
seen from Belgium
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Belgium
seen from Australia
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from Japan
seen from United States
seen from Yemen
seen from Germany
seen from China
seen from Canada
Cleric (new to party at level 7 of Tyranny of Dragons): "Wait, what 'special organ' did we mess up harvesting from the dragon?"
Ranger: "The thing that makes its breath weapon."
Cleric: "When you say 'special organ' I just had to assume it was, like, the testicles."
DM: "The rogue tried that."
Cleric: "By the bleeding heart of Ilmater, I make a joke and you people have actually tried it."
Kaitober day 15: fishie overalls
[Context: We’re playing the Descent Into Avernus module and the group is fighting the group of bearded devils that you encounter upon getting to Elturel. The rogue has just made a successful attack on one of them.]
DM: So question - are your arrows silvered?
Rogue:
Rogue, who very much does not have silvered arrows: Yes?
DM: Roll deception against the DM.
[As the party gets a good chuckle from it, the rogue proceeds to roll a nat 20. Cue chrous of “oh my god!”, including from the DM.]
DM: You know what? With a nat 20, I will allow you to say your arrows are silvered! You deceive the DM into believing you very much got silvered arrows!
Running a Kingdom can be stressful
Two years deep into a Kingmaker campaign
Wizard: "What's the name of our country?"
Fighter: (chokes on his drink, laughing)
DM: "Brother. We've been playing this game for two years, the fuck do you mean you don't know the name of the country?!?" (laughing)
Me (laughing): "I always get it confused between [capital name] and [nation name]!"
Homophones Are Hard
NPC: I must set all eight of these braziers alight, or I cannot leave, but these creatures keep blowing them out!
Druid (looking visibly confused): That’s… extremely strange.
NPC: Exactly! Never get into a deal with a hag.
Druid: Oh, no, I got that part, hags suck. I just don’t get why the bras.
*silence*
DM, OOC: They’re ‘braziers’, not 'brassieres’. Braziers? Like a metal bowl full of wood?
Druid, OOC: Ohhhhhhhhhh. That makes a lot more sense.
*entire table loses it*
Our Bard, Murphy, has recently decided to start a cult in Barovia. He’s convinced a guard to go on a date with him in order to let the party into the city of Vallaki.
At the date, over a single lit candle and a dying flower:
Guard (npc): You have beautiful eyes, sweet traveler, we don’t get many outsiders here- where are you from?
Bard: Yes, Yes, but now that I have your full and undivided attention…
[The Bard pulls out a homemade pamphlet]
Bard: Have you heard of our lord and savior Murphy?
i've been waiting forever to bust this one out
(i'm playing an aasimar Monk with an attitude. the Bard is a sunshine girl who has a lot of trouble being mean. we're fighting twig blights in curse of strahd)
Me: i'm gonna whisper something to (Bard) for her vicious mockery
Bard: (big sigh)....hey tree-guy...your girlfriend calls you vine cuz you only last six seconds.
(the rest of the table explodes into laughter)
DM (playfully pouting after the session): "Oh man, I have prepared so much dialogue for yelling at the priest, but the time was never right to unload any of it."
Me: "Yeah, feel that. I had a whole monologue prepared because I was sure we were killing the monster. But since we just let them loose, I had to improvise and give my man an existencial crisis instead."
Paladin's and Cleric's players are grinning like idiots because it was their fault.
