Ghost
Your ghost haunts these streets. Everywhere I go I can sense it. As I'm passing by I grab a hint of your name, a note of your scent, a memory of you, destitute on the asphalt. Gone but still here, out of reach. What happened to you? In a word I could not describe it. It's not loneliness, it's not grief, and it doesn't really feel like loss. It just feels— off,,, without you here. It's off, how much you were in my life, yet nothing else has changed now you're out of my life. It's off, how everything and everyone else is still the same. Why aren't they affected, why hasn't this changed anything. Why the fuck aren't they destroyed by this. Drop the FUCKING act. Stop FUCKING pretending that everything's okay because it's not. It's fucking not. Because you're gone. And there's no way I'm getting you back…
I know it wasn't healthy, I know I couldn't live like that forever. You hurt me over and over, you cut me off then begged and begged to come back and I couldn't resist. Every time I couldn't resist until I was worn down to the bone and still you asked for more. You'd leave me alone for days with my own thoughts, isolated, worried about you, fearing the worst, and then you'd pick up right where we left off and call me insane for thinking anything was wrong, that's if you even kept talking after I brought anything up. You fucking sucked, and I loved you, and I love you.
It was the hardest decision I have ever made. Broken and battered yet still divided on whether or not your attention and affection is worth everything else. Because there were good times when you loved me without hurt, just for a little, and even now sitting here some part of me regrets it. But I'm not coming back. You destroyed me and I don't even know if you knew what you were doing or if you just as I were engulfed in the fantasy, it was almost too bright to see what was happening but there was always darkness. You cast more shadows than most.
Maybe you loved me, maybe you still love me. But the things you did broke me. I wish you were able to love without those barriers, whatever internal walls you put up to protect yourself from the vulnerability it takes to love without pain. I know you were hurting too, I know you are human too. I don't think either of us wanted this, you couldn't possibly be that twisted. You were afraid, and your fear turned to anger, and your anger turned to hurt, and you took it out on me because you didn't know what else to do. I wish I didn't understand you so completely to know that you loved me. I want to brush it all away, to say you were some 2D cartoon caricature of abuse with no depth or meaning behind it. I want you to be a monster, because that would make it easier. I wouldn't still love a monster.