Heart Pangs - Change of Plans (Part 50/70)
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Summary: Benji decides he and Felix need to figure out a different course of action.
Contents (WARNING for mild spoilers): some heated discussions; fearplay; vore - size difference, post-vore, implied fatal; implied digestion
Wordcount: 4,881
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Benji is.... tired.
He is tired of always being afraid. He feels as though every second of every day he's afraid. He's afraid of Epomis and whatever they plan to do next. He's afraid for Camille and of always wondering if she'll be okay. He's somehow both afraid of Felix and afraid for Felix. His fear of Felix makes sense to him, although strangely he finds he still trusts him, but his fear for Felix feels unnecessary. He's Lux Feuerbach, of course he can take care of himself. Even though Felix has the entirety of the Facility after him. Even though Felix is lost in his world of addiction with slim hopes of ever coming back. Of course he can take care of himself.
Benji is also tired of being alone. He'd been alone when Brandon had first called him, back before all this happened. He'd lived in an apartment by himself, drove to work by himself, and barely went out with any friends. He'd been alone when Camille had been taken, a terrible empty aloneness that felt like it would eat him up from the inside out. And he'd been alone that night when Felix had left him, sopping wet in the shed, and disappeared into the darkness. Now he is alone again.
But out of everything, Benji is the most tired of being on the run. It's exhausting, and there are never any rests. He wants to go home. He wants to see Camille again. He wants to visit Brandon and Sarah and baby Isadora. He wants to be there when Stephanie comes home for summer break. But instead he can't stop moving. He must stay safe so he can do all those things in time. But he's not completely safe, not like this.
Felix is right. They can't keep flitting about so close to home. They need to get in the car and drive and drive and drive until they're hours away from home, until Epomis (and the Facility) have to do some real searching to find them. Who knows? If they drive far enough out of range, maybe Benji can relax a little bit. Maybe they can stay in one place for more than a night or two.
But unfortunately, that is another thing. Benji has to stop thinking of everything as happening with the two of them. Felix has grown into more and more of a danger. He doesn't think he's quite reached the level of danger where Benji might be snapped up at any moment without warning, but Benji sees how stiffly Felix sits when they're in the car together. He notices how careful Felix's movements are when they're loading and unloading the car each day. And after that night... two nights ago.... Benji can still feel the force of Felix's lips on his own. He can still feel how overwhelming and inescapable his assault had been. Felix's abstinence from prey is beginning to wear on him, that much is clear. Camille had been right. They shouldn't be traveling together. At least, not anymore.
Right now, Benji lays alone in bed, in the dark, staring at the ceiling. At least, he thinks, there's one benefit of sleeping in a separate room from Felix. He gets his own bed. Yet, as he stretches out in the enormous pred-sized bed, he doesn't really find it any more comfortable than the floor. In fact, he almost prefers the floor. This bed just makes him feel small... more alone.
Benji had fallen asleep earlier, but it had been a restless sleep. He had awoken suddenly, feeling his insides twisting with worry about what he and Felix were going to do and if leaving Camille behind will be worth it. They had barely spoken, but Benji knows they need to figure things out. His heart races with each moment he spends dwelling on it. Every time he begins drifting off again, he wakes once more with a start.
Finally Benji can take it no more and he begins pacing about the room. His mind works furiously. He'll have to bring this up to Felix in the morning when they see each other again. But how? How does he broach that subject? How long would it it take to discuss? Felix usually comes to Benji with a plan in mind each morning. Would he be amenable to changing that plan on such short notice? Would they even be able to enact said plan on a short notice? If they end up deciding to go their separate ways, Felix doesn't even have his own car....
Suddenly Benji thinks waiting until morning might be too late. He might have to confront Felix sooner than that. Perhaps he should wake up early and go to Felix's room, then they could have their plans ready by the time they usually leave.
Benji stops pacing and lays back in bed. If he's going to get up early, that means he needs to get some sleep.
Five minutes, ten minutes, then twenty minutes pass. Benji sits up. He feels just as awake as he did before. He glances at the clock and grimaces. Surely Felix would be asleep right now.
He gets out of bed and stumbles over to the desk where he'd left his and Felix's keycards. They each had a copy of the other's keycard in case they ever needed to get into each other's room.
As Benji flips the cards over in his hands, he hopes Felix will be okay with being awoken if he is indeed asleep. He hopes he'll understand that what Benji has to say is important.
Benji slides on his shoes, pulls open his door, and slips into the hall beyond.
He squints in the bright hall lights and starts heading towards the nearest elevator. Felix's room is the floor below his. As Benji waits for the elevator to arrive, he can't help but notice how much nicer this hotel is than any other they've stayed in so far. The thought dampens his spirits slightly. He and Felix had nearly gotten in an argument about spending so much money on one place, but Felix had been adamant that this hotel was the one they needed to be at.
Benji is pulled from his thoughts by the elevator door opening. He goes inside and hits the button for the floor below. He's grateful it's only a short ride because the walls of the elevator are so shiny he can see his reflection. He stares at himself. Shadowed, worried eyes stare back.
Once he's on Felix's floor, he confidently walks down the hall to Felix's door. He pauses when he stands in front of it. He considers knocking, but if Felix is asleep, he'll have to knock loudly enough to wake him up. And said knocking might be loud enough to wake someone else.
Benji slides the keycard into the slot, thinking he'd rather deal with making a scene inside the room rather than outside. The light flashes green and he turns the handle.
The first thing Benji notices as he opens the door is that the lights are still on. Perhaps he could have knocked after all, he thinks. But then again, with the lights on, he expects to hear Felix's voice at any moment, asking who's there. It never comes.
Benji begins feeling a little inkling of dread. Something isn't right here. Once Benji steps fully inside the room and the door closes ominously behind him, he understands what it is.
Felix is indeed asleep, but not on the bed. He's passed out on the couch, legs sprawled along its length, mouth slightly ajar. Although now the couch is in proportion to him, it reminds Benji of when he'd found Felix sleeping on Camille's couch the night he rescued her, except now there's one big difference. Now one of Felix's hands rest lightly on his abnormally full belly.
Benji feels the blood drain from his face. All other thoughts leave his head. He finds himself unable to tear his gaze away.
Felix had consumed someone.
And by the looks of it, he'd done it at least several hours ago. Benji had seen Felix right after he'd consumed prey before. This isn't what it looks like.
"Felix!" Benji gasps before he can stop himself.
Felix's eyes snap open and he bolts upright, clutching at his belly, seemingly surprised by its presence.
"Benji!" he says, even though his eyes are still slightly unfocused from sleep. He glances at the door as if it will provide some explanation. "What are you—?"
But he doesn't get a chance to finish his sentence because suddenly the shock has worn off of Benji. Now all Benji feels is a white hot rage. It blinds him, burns like fire under his skin. After all they've done, after how careful they've been, after all the kindness Benji and Camille had shown him, Felix goes out and does something like this?
Before he even realizes what he's doing, Benji's fist flies up of its own accord. It smashes right into Felix's nose.
Felix reels back and clutches at the injury. "What the fuck?" he cries as he pulls back a hand to reveal the small trickle of blood now running from his nose.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Benji shouts. He has so much more to say to Felix, but for some reason, those are the only words he's able to get out. Honestly, for him, it doesn't quite feel like words will cut it right now. Benji coils his muscles, ready to spring. He raises his arm again.
In a flash, he watches as Felix's expression changes from one of bafflement to one of anger. Before Benji can land a second hit, Felix lunges for him.
Things happen so quickly, Benji barely has time to register them. One moment he's facing off with Felix, feet firmly on the floor, the next, his world feels like it's being pulled out from under him. The hotel room spins around Benji as he wrenched into the air. Then, just as suddenly, he slammed down onto the nearby table, breath knocked out of him.
"Don't you fucking dare," Felix hisses in his face. "Don't you dare come in here and attack me."
Benji blinks and attempts to suck in air. Felix's hand is clutching the front of his shirt. He leans his weight into Benji, pinning him flat to the table. A drop of blood runs from Felix's nose and lands on Benji's forehead.
"Fuck you," Benji manages to spit.
Felix's eyes widen with fury and his nose flares. "You fucking idiot," he sneers, low and dangerous. "Did you forget who you've just walked in on? Did you forget what you are?" Felix's free hand snatches at Benji's right wrist and pulls it up so they can both see the orange band. "You belong to me now, Marotta. I may have just eaten, but there's still room for more. It wouldn't be the first time I've taken two prey at once."
The words slice through Benji and he becomes very still. He barely even allows himself to breathe. Every instinct tells him to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible. For one fleeting second, he tries to remember if he had grabbed his knife before leaving. He concentrates, and yes, its weight is where it always is, right at his hip.
He waits as Felix bears down on him. He waits for Felix to realize what he's just said because there's nothing about the pred looming over Benji now that's recognizable. Several long and tense seconds pass before Benji can see the minute way Felix's stance deflates.
"Get— get the hell off me, Feuerbach," Benji growls, his voice hoarse.
For one terrible moment, Felix looks ready to strike, and Benji prepares for the worst. But then, as if it physically pains him, Felix's fingers unclench from Benji's shirt and wrist and he takes a step back.
Benji finally allows himself to breathe. The relief of not joining the remains of whatever poor prey Felix had consumed is nearly dizzying. He clutches at the side of the table and slides himself off. He feels a little unsteady on his feet as he straightens himself.
He looks up at Felix. His shoulders are still squared, his eyes still wild, fully in attack mode but just barely holding back.
Benji makes a mental note to never attack a sleeping pred right after a meal ever again.
"What... who...?" Benji has to take a breath and start again. "What the hell have you done, Feuerbach?"
A muscle twitches in Felix's neck. "I had to consume," is all the explanation he gives.
Benji's earlier rage returns to him. "So you go out and do this? We've been so careful and then you risk it all for a meal?"
Felix lets out a harsh, nigh hysterical laugh. He wipes the blood from his nose, smearing it across his upper lip. "Benji, I don't you think you really understand." His face grows serious. "I don't think you can understand. There's no way you can... can comprehend what it feels like to be cut off from consuming so suddenly and for so long. There's no way for a prey like you to understand my hunger, what it feels like to constantly be starving."
"I understand that it's painful," Benji shoots back. "Believe me. I've been watching the way you've been struggling and wasting away this past week or so, but I also never expected you to do something so... so awful to curb the cravings."
Felix's eyes flash in a way that makes Benji flinch.
"You've known what I am since the beginning," he mutters.
Benji takes a courageous step forward. "Yeah? Have I? And what is that? You're always saying stuff like that, Felix. 'What I am... What I've become...' But you never actually say it, do you? What exactly is it that you've become, Felix?"
Felix blinks and looks at Benji as if the answer should be obvious.
"A monster."
The proclamation is so casual yet so unexpected that Benji has to take a moment to process it.
"Felix," he says, feeling a strange twist in his chest, "you're not—"
"Oh, yes I am," Felix interrupts. "You don't have to tell me otherwise. I've accepted what I can't change about myself a long time ago. Besides, I can see it in the way you look at me. You know what I am."
Benji grits his teeth. "I'm not looking at you like this because I think you're a monster. I'm looking at you like this because sometimes you're fucking terrifying, Felix. I came here to talk to you and then you're just there with a full belly and then you're threatening to consume me. You're... you're threatening me with the very thing I've had fucking nightmares about for the past ten years. So yeah, forgive me for looking at you a little strangely at the moment."
Benji expects a snappy retort, but when Felix doesn't answer right away, Benji looks to find that he appears... troubled.
"You have nightmares about me?" Felix asks quietly.
Benji blinks. He should have kept that to himself. "I..." he starts. "They're just general ones about being consumed. I'm sure lots of prey have them."
Felix narrows his eyes. "And they started ten years ago?"
Benji holds back an impatient groan. "Can we not right now?" he snaps. "What I sometimes dream about is... is so far from the main issue... Let's get back to the main problem, which is the fact that you've possibly just ruined a week's worth of being so fucking careful not to draw attention to ourselves just by going out and stuffing some random prey down your throat."
Felix raises his chin in indignation. "Are you telling me you believe I just went out on the street and grabbed some passing prey?"
Benji throws his hands up in frustration. "How can I not? There's no way you would risk going to a contracting company to purchase someone legally. At least, I hope you wouldn't be stupid enough to risk that."
Felix's hands clench into fists, but he holds back. "Of course I'm not stupid enough to risk that. There are other ways to acquire prey besides contracting companies and off the street."
"Like what?"
For the first time Felix looks just the slightest bit uncomfortable. "I went to a collector."
Benji blinks, blindsided by the answer. "Felix, that's..." Benji has to scramble for words. "That's... in what world is going to a collector better than grabbing someone off the street? Snatching prey off the streets is exactly what collectors do." Benji nearly asks how Felix even has connections to a collector, but he holds back. He's not sure he really wants to know the answer to that.
"Yes, I realize that," Felix explains. "But the important part is that the snatching won't be traced back to me, or us, in this case." Then at the look on Benji's face he goes on, "However, the prey I purchased was a runaway. His contract was about to close, but he escaped. Consuming him was no more illegal than consuming a prey I just picked up at one of the companies."
Benji runs his fingers through his hair to hide his anger. "Yes, you're right that what you did isn't technically illegal, but Felix, that still doesn't mean it's right.”
"And what else am I supposed to do?" Felix shoots back. "I have nothing left, Benji. My job, my security, my friends, even my family are too risky to contact. It's all gone, just like that. After just one mistake. And now I'm stuck on this god forsaken road trip with you, all because you convinced me to help rescue an Epomis prey."
"Are you saying you regret saving Camille?"
"No, of course not," Felix insists. "I'm saying I just wish you had... never fucking walked back into my life in the first place. I could be home, and I wouldn't have to feel like I'm going to starve to death every waking hour of the day."
"And you think I wanted to walk back into your life?" Benji asks incredulously. "Believe me, I wanted to stay as far away as possible from Lux Feuerbach the Facility worker. I wanted to stay as far away as possible from Epomis too, but I guess sometimes shit happens that we don't like and we still have to deal with it.
"Besides, you're not the only one who lost everything in the blink of an eye," Benji continues. "I want nothing more than to be home. I want to be there for Camille. I want to be there for Brandon and baby Isadora. And I want to see Stephanie on her next break from college. But I can't.
"And I understand it's not the same pain you feel, but it physically hurts being away. It hurts not knowing if I'll ever see them again or if I'll ever get a normal life again. But I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that it does happen. The last thing I need is to walk in and discover the only other person I have left has gone out and done... this."
Felix is very still. The only movement he makes is a slight flare of his nose. For a moment, Benji fears he's gone too far and reawakened Felix's earlier rage, but then the fight seems to drain from him.
"And why did you walk in here again?" he asks, his voice low.
Benji blinks in confusion.
"You said you wanted to talk about something," Felix clarifies.
"Oh." After everything that had happened, Benji's earlier worries had been violently shoved from his mind. Now, they fall upon him again with full force, amplified by their current situation. "Yes. I did."
Felix's gaze flits from the clock then back to Benji. "About what exactly?"
Benji swallows. Suddenly it all seems inconsequential.
"I think we should go our separate ways."
For one long minute, Felix simply stares, his expression unreadable.
"That's what you came here in the middle of the night to tell me?" he finally asks.
Benji nods.
"And you came to this conclusion before—" Felix gestures vaguely, "— all this?"
Benji nods again. "I've had a lot of time alone, doing nothing, to think about things. You're right. I can't stay around you and I can't stay around Camille, at least not right now. I've got to take care myself."
Felix's face softens into a frown and his brow furrows as he looks Benji over. Then finally he sits back down on the couch. As he does so, one of his hands flits to his stomach before falling slowly away. Benji pretends not to see.
"I agree with you," Felix says. "And I think we need to discuss this in further detail." He holds up a finger to silence Benji. "But I think this will need to wait until tomorrow."
Benji draws breath to argue before looking over Felix and realizing he's probably right.
"Okay," he says slowly. "Then in the morning."
"How about late morning?" Felix suggests.
"Yeah," Benji agrees, feeling a little knot of anxiety at the idea of waiting so long. "Yeah, we can do that."
"We can extend our stay for another night," Felix adds.
"Right," Benji answers.
A pause.
"Benji, go back to bed," Felix says. "Get some rest."
Benji gives Felix another once over. "Fine," he says. "I'll see you in the morning." He turns for the door.
"Have a good night," Felix tells him.
Benji hesitates, his hand on the door handle, but then he decides against returning the sentiment. He pulls open the door and slips out without another word.
When he collapses back in bed, he expects himself to be restless, to have difficulty falling asleep. But once his head hits the pillow, exhaustion takes over and he's out within the minute.
* * * * * * * * * *
It's nearly noon when Benji sees Felix next. He knocks on the hotel door, and despite the dread that had been building ever since last night, Benji answers it.
Felix stands there, looking as normal as ever. Benji's eyes scan him automatically for any sign of the prey from last night. The shirt Felix wears is baggier on him than normal. Benji wonders if it's intentional, but regardless, he sees no trace. Felix truly does look normal. Healthier, even. His eyes don't look shadowed. His cheeks don't look hollowed. He's well rested and he doesn't stand as if he's afraid every move he makes will be the wrong one.
Benji only meets his gaze briefly before stepping aside and allowing him into the room. Felix mutters his thanks as he enters, but that's the only pleasantry they exchange.
They get right to it. Felix sits on the edge of the bed while Benji sits on the table, impatiently kicking his legs in the air as they draw up plans.
They make the decision for Benji to take his car and run. It's straight forward and agreed upon immediately. Felix warns him against it, but Benji decides to go back to the town his old apartment still resides. He promises Felix he won't go to his old apartment, but Benji had lived in the area long enough to make some friends, friends that would probably let him crash at their place for a time, friends that Epomis would probably have to do some digging to find. Besides, Benji reasons, Camille, and therefore by extension Epomis, have no reason to think that he and Felix have stopped traveling together. They would never expect Benji to be staying with another prey because they would never expect another prey to allow Felix into their home. It's an impeccable plan. For now.
Meanwhile, Felix's plan is more vague. At least, to Benji it sounds vague. He plans to take a cab out of town before "attaining" another vehicle elsewhere. Then he'll drive himself as far away as possible. Benji doesn't ask for more details. He's not sure he wants to know them.
"Of course, I'll give you some cash to help you out," Felix says at one point.
Benji shakes his head. "I have some of my own, and you've already used up too much of yours."
"I have enough," Felix insists. "Just take some." Then, without waiting for an answer, he pulls out a stack and leaves it on the bedside table.
Benji doesn't argue. He doesn't have the energy.
A strange thought strikes him as they go over these plans, however. It's the thought that this really will be the last time Benji sees Felix. It might be the last time anyone sees Felix. He'll have to disappear completely after this. Even after everything they've been through, Benji feels a sort of aching in his core at the thought. The finality of it scares him. The fact that they're separating on these terms, that last night will be their last memorable encounter... the idea of it puts a sour taste on Benji's tongue.
It's late afternoon, nearly evening when they finish talking everything through. Not once had they mentioned anything about last night.
Felix stands up from the bed. Benji slides off the table.
"I'll see you in the morning," Felix promises as he moves for the door.
"Sounds good," Benji agrees.
Felix pulls open the door.
"Felix?" The word is out of Benji's mouth before he even realizes what he's saying.
Felix turns to look over his shoulder. "Yes?"
Benji hesitates. He wants to say something meaningful, something that encapsulates all that's transpired between them in a few words, something to mark a solid and fulfilling end to their time together. But he hadn't thought this far ahead. And words like that don't seem to exist. So all he can manage to say is, "Sleep well."
Felix's head tilts ever so slightly, and it's then that Benji knows that Felix understands he means so much more than that.
"You too," Felix replies. And then he's gone.
Benji can't help the sigh of relief when he leaves. He's exhausted and needs a nap. He falls into bed and buries himself in blankets, and then he's out like a light.
He has a very strange dream. In it, he's back at his parents' house. He's supposed to be getting ready for high school, but he doesn't remember what classes he has for the day. It's been so long since he's been to class, he doesn't remember at all what he's supposed to be learning. But his mom keeps rushing him, so eventually he runs outside, hops on his bike, and pedals off.
Somehow he ends up passing by the playground on his way to school. Felix is sitting on the swings. Benji isn't supposed to see Felix anymore, but surely it would be okay just this once. This meeting is unplanned. It's just a coincidence.
He hops off his bike and runs over to the swing set. Thankfully, Felix is happy to see him. Benji explains how he's supposed to be heading to class now, but seeing Felix again will be worth being late to first period.
The two of them sit on the swings and talk about inconsequential things. Suddenly, Camille is there. She's playing loud music, making all conversation impossible. Benji scowls in annoyance. Does she care about anybody but herself? He shouts at her to turn it down, but she ignores him. In fact, she barely seems to notice. Benji yells even louder, but for some reason, his words come out as barely more than a whisper. He gets frustrated and wants to scream, but even that doesn't come out. If Camille could just turn the music off. If he could just have some quiet...
It's such an annoying tune too, dinky and repetitive.
Benji continues shouting at Camille, but then his world fades to a poorly lit, off-white ceiling and a half-formed word escapes his lips. The music is still blasting, and all Benji can do is lay there and try to comprehend what's going on.
He blinks. Just as he realizes it had all been a dream, the music stops. It's late in the evening now, and there's something prodding at the back of his mind, urging him to remember something important. That song had sounded so familiar. But why?
Benji sits bolt upright. Adrenaline jolts through him, nearly making him nauseous. He knows why the music sounded familiar.
He jumps from the bed and crawls, still half-conscious to his suitcase. He digs through the toiletries and dirty clothes until he finds it. The burner phone. He checks the notifications. There's one voicemail.
Benji's cheeks grow heated with anger. All this time, he'd been so vigilant, making sure he had always been near the phone, that its ringer had always been at full volume. He'd been waiting for Camille, waiting to jump to action if she ever called him. And now, when she finally needs him, he sleeps through her call.
With shaking hands, Benji starts the voicemail and puts the phone to his ear.
As soon as he hears Camille's voice, everything inside him sinks.
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