viii.
It's a new thing, the nightmares.
They don't get worse, but they don't get better either, and Victor finds himself sitting up awake more often than not, afraid to even bother trying to sleep.
It was hard enough for Vargas to even offer to house him at night in the first place, especially with parents who didn't know who was commandeering their couch as soon as they fell asleep, and to add Victor possibly making enough noise to wake them, the guilt was beginning to weigh on him.
So he sits awake and stares at the darkness of the room around him and flees before anybody awakes in the early morning, exhaustion pulling at his body like a second skin.
He continues to avoid the rest of Shadyside, terrified of running into his aunt, of running into any vampires that would openly say how he was less than, and sits on the beach, watching water lap at the sand until the sun is high enough in the sky.
He's not expecting anyone to find him there as the minutes drag into hours, as his stomach growls with hunger and his mouth twinges with phantom pain. A lonesome glance into the mirror had told him all he needed to know about the healing process, and the answer was that it was healing, even if the rest of him didn't think so, scar tissue forming over open wounds. If he still decided to skip meals, that was his own business.
"You look like a ghost and I don't mean that as a compliment."
Victor jumps at the sudden voice, turning his head just in time to catch Vera stop beside him, hands tucked into her pockets, hair messy as if she hadn't slept much either.
Victor turns his gaze back to the ocean.
Vera waits for him to answer, and when he doesn't she sighs and plops down beside him, sand pillowing her fall. She drags her fingers through it, watching as grains trickle back down to the ground.
"Have you slept?" she asks him, as brash and as brave as ever.
Victor scoffs. "What do you think?"
He reaches down and grabs his own handful of sand. He holds onto it, thumb dragging across the top of the pile. "Every time I close my eyes, I'm back there. No way out." Sand slips through his fingers. His eyes don't leave the ocean. "No one to save me." He closes his fist and like time trickling through glass, the rest of it falls away, leaving his palm empty once more.
Vera reaches over. Grabs his hand, threading her fingers through his own. "We did save you," she reminds him gently. "We didn't leave you there, Victor."
He pulls his hand away like she is the fire still burning him.
"I feel like I'm still there," he snaps, voice strained. "I feel like I'm still in that room and she's standing over me, and she's not listening to me. I'm - I'm bleeding, I'm hurting, and Auntie is just - "
His voice hitches on her name. He pushes through.
"I'm begging for her to stop. I'm begging her to stop, Vera, and she doesn't blink. She doesn't stop." He feels like he's going to be sick, but he still doesn't pull his gaze away from the ocean. "You know what she did?" he asks. "She told me I would starve, if I didn't learn, if her pulling out my fangs didn't teach me enough and she meant it." He laughs. It's a hollow little thing that makes Vera shiver. "She meant it."
Vera reaches for his hand again. Victor thinks she does it for herself, so he lets her take it and squeeze it and tries to pretend that he doesn't feel like falling apart. "You haven't been home since, have you?"
Victor shakes his head. "What else will she do to me, when she sees me?" He finally turns to face her, his eyes wet when they shouldn't be. His chest shudders with his next breath. "Take away my darkstone? Remove my powers? Scar my face? String me up for the whole town to see?" Vera clutches him tighter. Victor doesn't want to breathe. "Call me a coward, but I'm too scared to face her. I'm too scared of the unknown."
"You're not a coward," Vera says, quick to catch him before his mind can run away with the words. "You're brave, Victor, braver than all of us. You're the one who saved us." She sighs, shifting. "All the Elders, from both sides, were okay with us starving or dying instead of just making amends. You took a stand for what you believed in and saved the Orchard. Saved each and every single one of us. If that isn't being brave, then I don't know what is."
"It wasn't just me. It was Nova too."
Vera hums. "Little miss sunshine."
When she turns her head, she expects him to be smiling, unable to keep his wits about him whenever Nova is mentioned. But he is the same as he has been, and something about that worries Vera more than anything else. She squeezes his hand again, hard enough that she's hoping he'll make a joke. He doesn't.
"Have you told her?" she asks, watching his face carefully. "That you feel like this?" Victor is still for a long moment, and then he shakes his head. Vera catches the shame that flashes across his face before he can hide it away. "Victor," she says, nearly a scold. "You should tell her."
"I'm scared of that too," he whispers.
Vera can't help the way her eyes roll. "How can you be scared of the one person you - "
"I'm different now than I was then," he says, voice growing louder. "I'm - I'm not the same boy she met, I'm - I'm damaged, or something." Broken. "I don't want to lose her because I can't figure out my own head." Useless.
"I don't think you're giving her enough credit," Vera counters, steadying her own voice. "She chose you over her own people, Victor. She believes in you." The waves crash violently then, water nearly touching both of their boots. Victor flinches. Vera feels her chest constrict. "I think you just need to learn how to believe in yourself again."
Victor doesn't answer. He can't.
Not yet.
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