#oldiary

[effervescentmind]

Entry 1a: 11.21.18, 10:39 p.m.

Dear Diary,

 Ive decided to start expressing myself more. So I decided to create a tumblr account and blog about every idea or thing i think about and also to keep a personal account of my life. Im excited to have a new outlet :)

  Entry 1b: 11.21.18, 10:41 p.m.

Dear Diary, 

My boyfriend is making thanksgiving dinner. The kids and their mother are watching “Black Lighting” on netflix. 

Today my phone broke. Well…idk the screen slowly turns into a dark pink and you cant use the touch screen but it still turns on. My boyfriend is going to get it fixed friday morning since tomorrow is thanksgiving. I dont really celebrate thanksgiving anymore. I dont really celebrate anything anymore, partly because we were too poor to afford celebrations when i was a kid, and the other part being that these holidays are just schemes for consumerism and keeping evil traditions and rituals alive. But i will be honest…I still get excited for halloween. Its just so cool to see all the creativity in people. I dont do anything for the day but I do watch what others do. 

My birthday is monday, I’ll be 26. Again, I’m too broke to do shit, lol. Also, I’m living in Texas now and I have no friends or places to go. I’m honestly not even in a hurry to meet people. After everything that’s happened this year, I’m ready to focus on myself and my goals. I wrote a goal list last month or so. One of the things on it was this diary :) A small step but it still counts. I’m ready. Really ready to get my life together. I’m done with blaming others for whats happening to me and hoping that it just goes away. I’m tired of self-pity and surrounding myself with people that aint bout shit. I intend to pick myself up and push myself. My first goal is to get fit and pay off my tickets so I can get my license back. I wrote the letter to the judge earlier today. I’m going to print it out and mail it when I go to the library saturday. Hopefully she agrees to waive the warrant I have in broward county, smh. This year was truly draining. 

i’m hoping to get a job doing the same thing Chanel does. It would be great cuz I’d be home or anywhere there’s internet. these restaurant jobs aint cutting it for me and I really dont want to be a cook again. I really gotta get in gear and go into the Air Force by next year. 

[effervescentmind]

Entry 2: 11.22.18, 8:16 p.m.

My boyfriend, his brother and their friend are in the living room, smoking and watching football. The children and their mother went to a friend’s house this morning. She had just recently given birth and wanted them to visit. 

It’s thanksgiving and my boyfriend was cooking before I even woke up. I woke up around ten and he didn’t finish cooking until two. The food was great but nothing I really care to eat. I’ve been eating pretty healthy for almost a year and a half so all this fat, sugar and grease really made me feel sluggish and put me to sleep. I don’t like how that feels and I cant believe I never realized it when I was younger. You really are what you eat. 

I called my grandmother today. Some of the family was gathering at their house for thanksgiving. She sounded so happy and it made me feel good. Shes been so glum since Tia Brigida died. I wanted to be there for her but I had no money for a ticket. I really miss her and Abuelo. I miss little Molly and her cute fluffy tail. I miss that house and the mango tree in the backyard. I miss the way my clothes smell after a visit. That house has always felt like home and I could never say that about any other place I’ve lived. Anyway, I’m a little side tracked cuz I’ve been drinking, lol. 

The conversation with Abuela was great. She was laughing and talking to me about my new baby cousin and how beautiful she is. I added that she looked just like Tio and that that meant she looked just like her because he looks like her. She laughed and said “ Oh, yes. She has the Rojas Family nose!”. She kills me, lol. I cant wait to see her. I’m planning to surprise her for her birthday in January.

[effervescentmind]

Entry 3a: 11.24.18, 8:38 a.m.

The whole house is asleep still aside from myself and my boyfriend. Hes been up since 6 a.m. watching rap battles on his phone and eventually keeping me awake after talking and playing things loudly. I am looking forward to a nap later.

Yesterday, I didn’t really do much. My boyfriend stayed up late the night before and was too tired to get up in time to get my phone fixed. He can be selfish and irresponsible but I really don’t feel like talking about it right now. He’s giving me the money to go do it myself after I drop him off at work. Later today I have to take some books back to the library and print out that letter for the courthouse.

I am really excited to get my life back on track but time is the factor that sometimes gets me off focus. Sometimes I just wish it didn’t exist so that I could do all the things I want/need immediately. Honestly that and money are the most evil inventions man has created. We aren’t meant to be so limited and bound. I hope, in my next life, to not be reincarnated back into this sun worshiping death cycle we live in.   

The children and their mother came back yesterday morning. I missed them a lot. I needed a break from being around grown men all day and also I love the kids. They’re two and three and full of questions and funny thoughts. They make me laugh and I love when they get cuddly and just want to be in your arms. I know when the time comes, I’m going to love being a mother. 

Last night, I rolled a blunt and went outside to be alone and enjoy some quiet. I originally planned on taking a walk but then found a nice little duck-off and decided to sit there. Periodically, people would walk in and out of the apartments, to and from their cars. It made me wish I still lived in Miami. I used to sneak out on the beach or go to one of my many parks or trails but here, everything is twenty minutes away so I had to settle for a half-ring of bushes up against a wooden fence. I still made the best of it. It was nice to quiet my mind and do some grounding. Mental and physical grounding. I hadn’t done it in so long. The grass under my feet was cold but comforting. I plan on doing it again soon but the right way, with my bare feet in soil. 

  Entry 3b: 11.24.2018, 1:26 p.m.

My boyfriend is at work, the rest of us are here in the living room. Fort Nite on the tv.

We are looking after ‘siah today. He’s cute as ever in his little outfit. He brings such a light to this house. I love his little coos and how his small teeth are just barely under his gums. They look like tiny Chiclets in his mouth lol. He’s been moving a lot more lately. Getting faster and stronger all the time. His parents are doing a very good job with him and their lives, I admire them.

I renewed the books and emailed my mother the letter so she could mail it out for me.  I couldn’t go to the library because I wasn’t able to get my phone fixed and I need the GPS. I won’t be writing on it until I do get my phone fixed. I just don’t feel like talking about it because I have so many other things on my mind right now. 

I really feel good right now. I feel like I can finally say that I know the direction I’m meant to take in life. I can honestly say that I see my path right in front of me and know every single step I have to take. I’ve never felt so sure and confident about anything in my life and am finally ready to let go of everything and everyone that isn’t rising with me. I don’t want anyone that doesn’t have positive goals for themselves. 

[effervescentmind]

Entry 4: 12.01.18, @ 6:54 p.m.

The children are watching “Goo-goo ga-ga” on Youtube, their mother is about to prepare dinner for her husband and my boyfriend is in our room. 

We’ve had Siah-Siah today and he’s been an adorable, playful little angel today. His first tooth is breaking through so his little nibbles hurt sometimes. He maks up for it with his cute face and coos though. 

PHONE UPDATE: I was able to get it fixed around five on my birthday. It was a little irritating because my boyfriend gave me the money to go do it on my own which means that I could have had my phone fixed days earlier and so much shit would not have been pushed back smh. 

So I’m about to go through a good change in my life, I’m going back home. I feel it would be better for me to just concentrate on myself and stop trying so hard in this relationship I’m in. He obviously doesnt want it or any of the same things I want. This whole thing has been a joke and I’m thankful that I’m leaving now and didnt get a chance to fall in love with him. I’m not saying that I dont love him, I do and I care for him but he never put any effort into getting to know me or build our connection so, nothing is there. 

This was just a lesson for me, honestly. One that I’ve been needing to learn. There were signs back in Miami that I should have paid attention to. That little voice in my head was also telling me to leave him alone and that he was going to waste my time but I was so weak and vulnerable from PJ that I allowed all this bullshit to enter my life. So now I’m going to get my necklace and ring back from the pawn shop and leave. I dont have any anger in my heart for him, I just love myself too much to stay in a shitty relationship and be walked all over while he does whatever and whoever he wants. I dont have time for it and I refuse to argue with someone who isnt mature enough to take responsibility for his actions. I cant be mad at a child for not acting like a man and I cant let a child hold me back in life. 

[effervescentmind]

Entry 5: 04.09.19, @ 9:39 p.m.

I am sitting in my dark green, reading chair. I am alone in my bedroom, no music, just silence. 

It has been a while since I wrote an update and much has happened. March 20th, I moved into my own apartment. It is a small, cheap, one bedroom with painted, concrete floors and cheap kitchen appliances/fixtures. I dont like it and if I had the money to move into another apartment complex I would. When I first moved in, the dishwasher was completely molded on the inside and there were dead roaches in the silverware drawer and a few that had been painted over in the cabinet above the fridge. There were also an array of other issues that took me a week to get fixed. I have since then had the exterminator come in (didnt fucking help shit) and spray everything. After that failed, I went to home depot and bought spackle and plugged up every crack, hole and crevice I could find. With that, essential oils and a natural bug spray, I have been able to control the pest problem and am seeing them less frequently now. I have faith that they will disappear. 

What happened to my boyfriend? Well, I broke up with him but he’s still in my life…its complicated even though it doesnt have to be. He was the whole reason I moved out. He kept cheating, treating me like shit and put his hands on me so I got a place behind his back and left. It was a whole month before I was able to officially move out and in that month he was acting better and we were getting along but it didnt fool me. I knew he was on his best behavior because mine had changed. 

The day I packed up, he was off so I did it in his face and he stopped me and wouldnt leave me alone. He was crying, begging, arguing and pleading for me let him come and I refused over and over. He helped me move my things and we said our goodbyes around 4am in my parking lot. He peeled out of there, obviously giving me the drama show to let me know he was heart broken. I didnt care, I had enough of him. The next morning he texted me (in denial) saying that he loved me and that he was going to work as hard as he had to to show me that he was the right man for me and that he can be a good boyfriend. I told him (out of annoyance) that he can show me whatever he wants and that I’m not going to be swayed or hold my breath for him. 

I know I dont want him in my life but I am allowing him to come over, smoke, hangout, have sex and give me rides when I need them. I know that he is doing all this because he thinks it’ll win me back but I’m really just using him until I get my car. It seems harsh and I know two wrongs dont make a right but fuck it. All the time I wasted on him and all the things I put up with and money I spent/lost cuz of him…fuck it. I dont care, he owes me this little bit. I didnt deserve the hell he put me through all this time. I was good to him and wanted nothing but a healthy, loving relationship. So yes, I’m going against my usual moral code and using him for car rides. He refuses to take no for an answer so thats his problem now.

[effervescentmind]

Entry 6: 04.11.19, @3;33 p.m.

I am home sitting on my couch. So i decided to come home during break today. I really shouldnt have but man I just hate sitting around for hours at work while I wait to clock back in for dinner. I decided that this will be my last day doing it and that I will stay and entertain myself on my laptop on breaks. I really need to save money on all this lyft I take smh. Last week I finally got my tax return back and used the whole thing to pay off my speeding tickets so I could get my license back. Unfortunately, I found out that I have a third ticket in Dade for a red light traffic violation that happened in Janurary…. Like wtf?!?!! I’ve been living in Texas since August and somebody is running around SoFlo with my old tags smh. I’m not paying that fucking ticket. My boss told me that she would write me a letter to send to the clerk so that they can take that ticket off my record and give me my license back. Ugh, i cant wait. I need a car ASAP. Lyft and uber is just too much money when thats all you have to rely on. So this is a random thought but I’ve been thinking about my life lately and where its headed. Currently I’m working my ass off at a restuarant and it pays the bills but I literally have no time to enjoy myself or my apartment. Like I’ve dreamt of living alone forever and now that I’m finally doing it, I cant really enjoy it. Partly to do with the fact that I use uber so I dont allow myself to go anywhere that isnt neccesary but also because I have no degree. I dont want to live like this forever and I know I have so much to offer and so much potential to be wasting it all in this stupid restuarant, talking about food I dont eat and pretending to care more about rich, white people than I actually do. With all that in consideration, I’ve decided to dedicate myself and all my time to getting my life on track and going back to school. I’m in a city where I know no one and I feel like its good for me right now. I’ve been changing a lot the last three years and I dont see a plateau coming anytime soon. I’m going to welcome this change and not fight it. I’m ready to be happy and successful.

[effervescentmind]

Entry 7: 4.12.19,@ 7:15 p.m.

I’m laying on my bed half-naked because I got the worst sun-burn ever.

 So I’m off today and this morning I went to the pool to get a tan. I have been looking forward to it for three days and the weather was so perfect, too. It was sunny and hot but had a cool breeze. Uugghhh, amazinggggg. BUT. Just twenty minutes into enjoying a nice sun bath with no one around, no children screaming and birds chirping, this piece-of-shit-scrub-ass-dude comes to ruIN E V E R Y T H I N G. He was wearing a hoodie and jeans talking about “ugh, how do you get in?”, like he was coming to the pool in the first place, smh. i just said “The door on the other side” and put my head back down. I was laying on a beach chair trying to tan my back and all he saw was ass, smh. And of course he came all the way down to the end of the fucking empty, pool to sit two seats away from me -_-  “Damn, its so hot out here. You should jump in”. “I dont want to. I wanna enjoy the sun alone”. He says ok and stops talking for a few miuntes. Then comments on it being hot again. “You should get in. If you jump in, I’ll jump in too”. ‘i DON’T WANNA GO IN”. I yelled without lifting my head up from my folded arms. He quiets again for a few minutes. Then starts to ask me questions and shit and when I don’t answer he repeats it or asks a different one. I was even not facing him and he was talking still, omg. At one point he left to go get something to drink from the corner store and offered to get me shit which a quickly and sternly declined. My very first thought was to leave before he got back but I got prideful and angry cuz goddammit I fucking wanted this. It was 11 am on a friday, on a beautiful fucking day and I wasnt working?!?!?!! I AM FUCKING SUPREME AND WORTHY BITCH. I Decided to stay and just ignore him completely until he leaves or just cuss him out. Whatever comes first. He came back and said “ I woulda got you something from the store but I saw you already got somethin’”, referring to my water and smoothie I brought. In hindsight that was a red flag that this guy was off but I just ignored it and shook it off. He started his interview with me again and I actively ignored it until he asked if purple was my favorite color. That one threw me off cuz it was so specific. So I looked at him, confused and answered ‘”no” while at the same time realizing that my beach towel was purple and that he was officially getting on my nerves. Also, did I mention that he was sitting next to me at this point and not two seats away :)  “You got a number?”, “I’m not trying to give it out.” I’m boiling! He’s shitting on my whole vibe and I just wanna go home now. He asks me another question but I wasnt listening cuz I jumped up, put on my shirt and started packing up. “Alright, bye.”, he says. I glare at him and storm off and duck off to watch and see if he will leave. He sits for 20 seconds then gets up and starts walking in the direction he saw me go. When he turns the corner and doesnt see me he stops, looks around a little then turns back. Holy shit! I was expecting him to leave after I did, not fucking try to come after me like wtf??? He spots me under the stairwell I was watching him from, approaches, and asks, “ Hey, Ma. You wanna smoke?”. I WENT THE FUCK OFF ON HIM!!! As soon as I started, he said “ok” and left. Like what kinda fucking psycho does that shit??? What the fuck!!!! Man and I was out there so long waitng for him to leave and not turning my body over (cuz I didnt wanna expose more than he was already staring at) that I got a fucking sunburn on the back of my legs, back and arms man!! Fuck, I’m mad! I’ve never had a sunburn before and this shit suuucckkkssssss. What a shit day, ugh. Now I gotta worry about seeing this fool around here too, ugh. I’ve seen him before too. I know the area he lives in our neigboorhood. Man, I’m annoyed. I have a whole year before I can leave. Yay. 

[effervescentmind]

Entry 8: 04.16.18, @ 10:42 p.m.

I’m sitting on my couch with only the living room lamp on behind me. 

So I finally got a hold of my grandmother after not talking to her for a few weeks. Her sister (my great aunt) went to visit her and occupied all her time. My abuelita felt gulity for not talking to me like we usually do but I didnt hold it against her. I knew she would get back to me when she could and that everything was alright. I missed her a lot though. That phone call was so wonderful, just hearing her voice and laugh…I love her so much and I really need to go visit. 

I also have been having more phone calls with my best friend lately and its been really refreshing and great for me. I didint talk to her all last year because of drama that I’m not going to revisit. Its really nice to have our dynamic back to where it should be. Can you believe we’ve been friends for 11 years? I swear it doesnt feel like it. 

So I decided that I’m not going to use my ex for rides and that I’m just going to cut him off completely no matter what he says. I know I was talking shit before but I was just in my feelings nd I’m not the type to lead people on for my own personal gain, no matter if they deserve it or not. I just dont have the energy to be petty or pretend I’m happy when I’m not. He irritates me and I’m so over him and his energy. I just need to de-clutter my life and he is a huge pain in my ass. Speaking of pains in my ass…PJ messaged me on pintrest today. Well he first messaged me a few days ago asking me to give him another chance to which i replied no and that i didnt love him anymore. He never said anything and then today he asked me if i ever really loved him to begin with. For some reason it really rubbed me the wrong way and I went off on him. I was angry that he had the audacity to ask that when he was the one acting like he didnt give a fuck about me and treating me like shit at home and in public. I ended up blocking him and he emailed me with his responses which were very ugly. I didnt read them but i read the first two lines and it was the same evil, ugly, poison he would spit at me to make me feel worthless. Hes a manipulative, piece of shit, a fucking psychopath and I’m so glad I left him. I’m so glad I’m so glad I’m not under his spell anymore.