#olivepost

[andivebeenaforestfire]

A panic attacks feels like a black hole that is slowly opening up in your chest. The bigger it gets the more the panic grows.

[andivebeenaforestfire]

I'm never going to get my little yellow house. The one I dreamed of so vividly as a child. I'll never have my little fireplace and garden.

I've been below the poverty line my entire life. All my 'homes' were broken and falling apart. In more ways than one. Ashamed to have anyone over. I always imagined a little home just for me. There was no screaming, the house wasn't falling apart. Just something so small...

There is no screaming here, no violence. But the house is still falling apart. Still ashamed to have anyone over. No one wants to come to the realization they're going to die in a dirty house that is falling apart. And they have been their entire life.

[andivebeenaforestfire]

It's been 10 months since Dorian passed away. He was 16 and very old, still we weren't ready. I finally convinced myself to wash our favorite blanket. The one we would always curl up on the couch with. It's still as soft as I remember, but not as soft as him. I miss my bubbi boy.

I'll never be able to wrap my head around the fact that he isn't here anymore. What do you mean he's not at my feet in the morning, very loudly asking for his breakfast? Or curled up in his window hammock snoring away.

There are some things I still can't bring myself to do yet. I still can't get rid of his dig box near the heater. It's still filled with all his jingle toys and shredded brown craft paper. Beatrix still goes in there and digs, so as long as she is playing in there, I'll keep it around longer.

I am very happy that Beatrix loves his heating pad. She's used it all winter. And will ask for it, if I forget to turn it on for her. Athena has too much fur and doesn't really use it much. She prefers her cat tree.

Athena is across from me playing with her rainbow string. Thudding around the floor, being the fluffy menace that she is.

She misses him too. Sometimes I'll catch her looking into his dig box. She never goes in, but she'll sit and stare for a bit then go about her day.

[andivebeenaforestfire]

sometimes my anxiety loosens up and i can finally breathe. really breathe. i savour it, because i know it's so fleeting.

[andivebeenaforestfire]

i am so tired of having to weave my emotions, actions and time around other people. i'm so sick of having to worry about everyone's emotional well being, their moods. leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone.

[andivebeenaforestfire]

I’m trying not to panic cause there is no food in the house. And it’s so tied to growing up so fucking poor.

[andivebeenaforestfire]

Call me Olive 𖦹 Adult 𖦹 Indigenous 𖦹 They/Them 𖦹 SFW

This blog really doesn’t have a theme. But you’ll find nature, cottage core, melancholic, quotes and music. 90s and Whimsigoth.

I mainly use this blog to relax and deal with anxiety and depression.

dni I block terfs, tradwives, nazis and the like. free Palestine. fuck ice.