im once again thinking abt how rand and rolan are perfect foils for each other . i just keep thinking abt that one bizly tweet how rand hates rolan for getting out when he never could . how theyre both each others grief and unfinished business . theyre the dichotomy of left galloway wrong / stayed in galloway alive . theres something about everyone leaving galloway but nobody leaving alive thats very important to me.
stagnation and hiding from grief is such an important part of rand . rand never left and he sees that as his second biggest failure (the first being rachels death) and he lets that define him as a person. he lets the fact that he got trapped in stagnation twist his world and let that bitterness seep its way into his personality and core sense of self. it feels almost like he never let himself gain a full identity or sense of self as punishment for his failures. in a way its so he never had to face his grief. he tried to burry that grief in anger and drugs but it kept haunting him. rachel kept haunting him. he can direct his anger at rolan all he wants but at the end of the day he hates himself and punishes himself for her death. he hides behind that anger, hides behind his pot, hides in the attic, hides from his parents and responsibility and emotions. hell he even hides behind sunglasses. and he kept hating himself and stripping himself of identity and agency, whittling himself down to "the one who should have died", letting himself twist into a suicidal shadow of who he could have been. but he Survived. he lasted one more day, didnt kill himself for one more day just to reconnect with his friends. despite everything, all the hurt and fear and regret and self-hatred and rotting away. hes the one who survived till the very end. his martyrdom was forgiveness and redemption. the final chance to do something, be someone, to change and grow and survive despite his stagnation. his final chance to show to his family he was someone.
meanwhile Rolan. Rolan got Out. and thats such a key part of him as a character. if rand is hiding/freezing then rolan is running/flight. he ran from galloway to escape his failures and regrets and fears, he ran from rand so he never had to confront the fact that hes part of the reason rachel is dead, he ran from his family and the confrontation of never calling or visiting. but thats the thing, is running was always a way to protect himself and assert his independence. it was a way to strengthen his personhood and sense of self. he had to get away from galloway because he was terrified of never becoming someone. he needed that escape so badly that it became who he was. the one who got away. which is why its so messed up that, despite everything, the Real rolan never left galloway. he ran from his parents right to that treehouse and he ran straight into his grave. the second he has the realization that he's not human-- the second he has the inkling that he might not be Rolan- his behavior shifts. hes immediately more reckless. hes borderline suicidal. because thats his one greatest fear: never leaving galloway. it just happens that he also inadvertently took the real rolans life. and that guilt is what brings his world crashing down around him. where, in the end, rand got to do something with his life, in the end rolan never did anything. because there was never any real rolan. despite getting forgiveness and permission to keep living from the real rolan. despite how he'd survived and been as Real as rand or kian or any of the people from chicago or galloway. despite how he'd lived the way that kid rolan wanted. discovering that he'd taken that chance at being someone and escaping galloway from the child who was so desperate to get out mitigated every good thing he'd done once he'd been reborn. in the end, rolans death is an apology to everyone he left behind. to the kid who could have done something great
theyre two sides of the same coin, in a way. two sides of the same "im so fucking sorry for killing rachel" grief coin. adn i thinkthey shuolg kiss.they could be celestial body metaphor yaoi