Confessions of Someone Who Has Moved On
Breakups are never easy. Especially if you are the one who has left to deal with it everyday. You are probably confused trying to think what went wrong, whether there was somebody else, or whether to wait or give up. Before those tears fall down, or before I bore you with my ramblings, let me give some of the things I learned from being broken and from trying to fix myself.
1) Let yourself mourn. You are hurt therefore it’s only natural for you to cry. If you need to cry yourself to sleep (or cry on your ex’s basketball jersey), do it. After crying you will feel more relieved of the pain you are trying to hold on to. Rebounds or breakup flings are, at least for me, not a good idea. You are already vulnerable, and not all people have good intentions, and when we are in pain we don’t usually make the best decisions. Plus, what if the “rebound” was really serious with you. You might end up hurting that person because you are still in love with your ex. Give yourself time to forget and not rush your feelings just because you are trying to fill a void.
2) Heal from the outside. Getting a hair cut (and dyeing it), start doing exercises, and shopping are just some of the things you might suddenly feel interested in. Go for it! Just don’t do it for your ex, to get his/her attention, do it for yourself. Altering your image can boost your confidence and motivate you. Don’t post statuses or pictures showing such things just so you can blame your ex, get his/her attention, or to make him/her feel sorry for leaving you; because let’s face it, you will look pathetic. Try your best to keep it a secret. If someone notices and compliments you, take it as it is.
3) Keep yourself idle in FB or other social networking sites. Most likely if you have just broken up, you are still angry and would want post rants/curses/bitter quotes/self-pity words in your FB or Twitter. I have seen blogs about broken people and surprised how self-degrading posts can be (degrading because you are not just bitter/angry but you are also inducing yourself with heavy doses of self-pity). Reading posts don’t attract good friends, and believe me, if your ex already has a new lover, he/she wouldn’t most likely care about your posts either. You have to accept that he/she is happy with his new love. I tried being idle for a year, with occasional greetings on holidays. It helps you not to be tempted to do something stupid on your FB.
4) But don’t stop reaching out with friends. This is one of the things I regret not doing. If I did, moving on would take me shorter than a year. Try making new friends as well; you will be surprised how much they can entertain you. They may not fill the void but (if they are true friends) they will love you anyways.
5) Do things alone/on your own again. Before you have been in a relationship you have always been independent. If you are like me who has been in a long-term relationship, it can be amputating because you became so dependent on the other person (on his/her presence) in your life. Doing things alone (like eating) may trigger tears, but believe me you will eventually feel the satisfaction of being alone. Being on your own again can give you a new perspective in life, not to mention you have your dessert all for yourself.
6) Talk to a stranger. I once talked to a girl (I think she is at the same age range as mine) in FB. I don’t exactly remember how we end up talking about breakups and about befriending the new GF of your ex. She told me that being pissed off initially at the invitation of my ex’s GF to be her friend is only natural (she cited her similar experience), but she advised me that I should accept it. Now, I can say she was right, maybe I was not ready at that time but I believe I can do it now. I have to thank a friendly stranger for giving me her well appreciated opinion. Thanks again stranger.
7) Don’t stalk your ex. C’mon girl/boy you can do better than that! You are already hurt and looking at your ex’s picture in FB or Instagram won’t get him/her back. You will only see how happy he/she is with his/her new found love. You will only bleed to death, stop before you start crying like waterfalls.
8) Don’t talk or see him/her if you still have feelings for your ex. You are, as I have said earlier, vulnerable. Don’t let yourself get hurt again by your ex. This is a time that you will do everything to get your ex back so refrain from seeing/talking to him because he/she still has a hold of you (intentionally or not). You may end up doing something you will forever regret.
9) Don’t reduce yourself to being less than a friend. Please…please don’t do “THAT” with your ex (you know what I mean). This is one of those things you will later regret, because in reality you are the only one who still has feelings attached to “THAT”. A guy friend told me that by doing “that” after a breakup, it turns you from being someone your ex once loved/respected to someone who has the same initials as Facebook. Give yourself more respect because you deserve it. And if your ex is in a relationship, always remember that you are not only hurting yourself but you will be hurting the person he/she has a relationship with too.
10) Learn a new skill. If you need to be busy because you are tempted to get your ex back, try learning something new. Try baking, swimming, martial arts, cooking, or sports. Try anything that could hinder you from being miserable and that could make you productive. Try something practical, something you can use/do everyday. I bet you will surprise yourself because one of those skills turned out to be one of your talents.
11) Spend your time on things that you are interested in. Internet is there to let you find something you can be interested in. If you are talented enough try doing your own video/written blog about those things. Sing, cook, draw, do makeup tutorials, or do product reviews and post it in your websites. Being creative and active online attracts people in your midst. It’s time to widen your social circle.
12) Embrace being familial. Family is family. They will be there regardless of what becomes of you after the breakup. You may end up becoming acne-prone, thin/fat, irritable, sensitive…they will remain your family who will always be there for you. At first, they would be angry at you for being too in love with your ex to move on and at your ex for hurting and leaving you. But eventually their love for you will trump all this anger, and you would be more than thankful that they never gave up on you, and that they never lost that love for you.
13) Pray for your ex’s happiness. This might sound cruel but it is one of the things I didn’t regret doing. It might sound easier to curse your ex for what he/she did, but this has to do with long-term effects on your heart or your soul. Wishing someone happiness from the bottom of your heart is more than asking for good karma or a sign that you have truly loved a person. It is a necessary step before you can actually be happy. This also means that you have accepted things as it is, and that you are willing to accept a future without him/her in it. Your ex is still someone you once loved or someone who once loved you. Don’t you think he/she deserves happiness as well?
14) And pray for your own peace of mind. Immediately after I had asked #13 I asked God for this one. Becoming happy is not immediate (if it was, many would not be scared to love), it takes longer, months, years. Before you can be happy, ask for peace of mind, so that despair, loneliness, anger or confusion won’t consume you. If you have done things to get your ex back that you regret doing, asking for this can clear your mind. But before praying, you should admit and ask forgiveness to the people you hurt. A clear mind after all means a clear conscience.
15) Forgive with all your heart. Moving on can only be done if you have forgiven, not only your ex, but most importantly yourself. Whatever your ex did, whatever the reason he/she did what he did, forgive and accept it as it is. If you will not, it will wear you down, and it will keep you looking back on what could have been instead of what could be. And, whatever went wrong, or what you think was your fault, forgive yourself. Forgive this past version of yourself and start from scratch. It may be very hard to do such things (it’s true, it took me awhile to forgive myself), but it is necessary to give a chance for a “new” you to grow. Forgiveness is a sign of love, so if you love this person forgive him/her; if you love yourself, forgive yourself.
16) Find your own sanctuary. Finding yourself again needs real meditation, a time alone not only to talk to yourself (inner self) but to God as well. A quiet, breezy place, where you can look at the sky, and a place where you can’t be disturbed by anybody-- is a good sanctuary. Take time to think/talk to yourself and God.
17) Be patient. Love and happiness, the two things you want so much right will come at a right time. You are still hurt, and maybe, still stubbornly waiting for the ex to come back, but believe me someone better will come and I bet he/she will be someone you will love more than your ex. Tempting as it is, don’t rush things, go with the flow of life and accept things as it is. Be contented and thankful for what you have right now. You will have these two things when you are ready to have them again. Let Him do His miracles on you.
18) Motivate yourself to be better. I asked God for this because I don’t want to be hurt/bitter for the rest of my life. I want to learn to love/live again. If you are a good person to begin with, be better. Being broken/in pain gives you perspective and helps you sympathize/empathize more with people. Sharing your love and your kindness with other people may seem like a small gesture on your part but to someone who is hurt, it serves as an inspiration to better as well.
19) Smile even if today proved to be difficult. A smile is a sign of optimism and courage. Your smile can be someone else’s miracle or inspiration.
20) Talk to God. Need not say more.
Dear friend…it’s not too late. One day you would understand things more clearly, you would accept things, and before you know it you are willing to love someone again. If you are asking me, I am happily single and happily thinking of someone special (who’s smile I will never forget…).
(Really hope that this sort-of-essay has helped you…)
