Hi guys, I need to take a hiatus for a bit of time. I hate explaining this cause it feels like a dark dirty secret.
My mother full on attacked me this morning, she is pretty much holding my father and I hostage emotionally as she is mentally unwell with Parkisons and what I suspect to be BPD - not depression. My mother has masked her illnesses for years but since 2020, she has physically attacked me, verbally abused me, tried to smear campaign me, accused me of theft, elder abuse, and defamation of character. Typing this all out is making me sick because I never once spoke of my plights and I hope in all my heart none of you go through what I have. My brother cut contact with my mother in June and it has sent her into a downward spiral. I'm assuming this is a scam as she is trying to say the kindle I pay for is taking money from her account and took 300 dollars, I showed her the order list and she proceeded to call me a liar, disown me, withdraw helping me in further my education, and wants me to leave with my father as she has always revered me, her only daughter, as other to her. I have taken care of my mother for over 10+ years, I have never had helped from my sibling, I have made her appointments, cared for her post surgery, and assured she was always safe. On fourth of July, my mother in her fit of rage didn't notice the top stair and nearly fell off the stairs, I caught her while snapping off several of my acrylics. I nearly went over the rail guard trying to protect her. The fight has been caused because I went to a concert on Saturday and now, she has a problem with me going out alone and not including her, but I do and she will say I don't making me out to be the villain. To not sound dramatic; my soul is broken and my heart is destroyed. This is the most honest and raw I have ever been in my life. I am scared of her hatred for me but I want to live and sit in the sunlight, laugh, and smile again without thinking I will be punished. I want to have a relationship with my father without her being jealous and assuming I have stolen what is hers. I don't know what tomorrow will be or how I move on from today, but I can't stay in my home, and I cannot take care of someone that wants my soul dead as hers. I know I can be a bitch, but I have burned myself multiple times to assure her warmth, I have always given 100x of myself and I cannot sit with someone who says I love you and then, go fucking die, the next moment. All I can say from the bottom of my heart is I'm sorry if I ever hurt anyone in the rpc and I'm so sorry to place this all upon you guys. This is place meant for fun and laughter but I have nowhere else to turn to and vanishing seems wrong. I feel as if a dark secret is coming out and in a metaphorical sense; I feel very dirty. I cannot say more than urge anyone who is contemplating leaving a situation like mine or cutting off a parent to know; I'm with you, I love you, you deserve all that is good too. It is so hard for me to say I want my mom when I come to realize; I have no mom. There is a part of me that says, my mom loves me, but there is a part of me that says, your mom will be your grave. I choose life. and maybe my mother will scream she hates me, wants me dead, and maybe in my heart I'll never ever understand not even with the universe showing me all it's secrets but I want to live like everyone else.
for those who want to keep in contact, please add me at z0mbiepowder on discord.
