chatlog between @knowledge-is-prediction and @lilies-on-water
[Immediately after this post.]
lilies-on-water
just forwarded you an email from marlo
idk if anything in it is legit but you'd be able to tell better than I would
knowledge-is-prediction
shit
uh
that's real
I mean I gotta forward it to people but
that's real
did you read it
lilies-on-water
just enough to know that I couldn't tell whether it was legit on my own
which was like, two paragraphs of the first attachment
knowledge-is-prediction
damn I was hoping I could use "sasha ALREADY KNOWS state secrets" as part of my pitch for why you should get security clearance
I mean it could be a *very elaborate fake*
lilies-on-water
it took him like half an hour to put together once I asked for it
knowledge-is-prediction
what do you want to do
lilies-on-water
god I don't know
probably it is not a great idea to have the eye who just sent a bajillion state secrets to cascadia stay in gilead. I'm debating whether we actually want another traumatized housemate this soon after the jeanne thing though
knowledge-is-prediction
also he's your stalker ex
lilies-on-water
well yes there's that
knowledge-is-prediction
I'm kind of a selfish person
lilies-on-water
but honestly mostly the reason it bothered me was the not trusting him and he has just made a really convincing display of being trustworthy so I'm not sure what I'm doing with that either
knowledge-is-prediction
oh so I should definitely send it
because I wasn't
until you were like "yes I definitely want my stalker ex to be in cascadia where he can stalk me more easily"
lilies-on-water
yes you should definitely send it
knowledge-is-prediction
sent
I mean, cascadian intelligence is gonna get him out and into a safehouse regardless
but like...if you miss him and want to live with him I'm pretty sure we can talk asher into it
and if you don't I will yell at cascadian intelligence until they put him in a safehouse in san francisco
or hawaii
hawaii is very pretty
and you have to take a plane to get here
lilies-on-water
I miss him a lot I know that much
knowledge-is-prediction
(hugs)
it's your choice
lilies-on-water
I love you
I love you so much
knowledge-is-prediction
I love you too
I'll support you whatever you end up deciding
Asher... I will yell at until he supports whatever you end up deciding
lilies-on-water
I want to try, anyway
knowledge-is-prediction
to be with him?
lilies-on-water
yes
knowledge-is-prediction
we need. a better plan this time
trauma therapists.
lilies-on-water
I can move into the house with you two now that not baby and he can have the cottage?
also yes trauma therapists
knowledge-is-prediction
that'll work until we have a baby but Asher was thinking of getting a surrogate soon
we can always move again
two cottages
lilies-on-water
I might be able to be in the cottage with him if things work out
and like empirically we are basically compatible as people, we were friends for more than a year, it's not going to be like with me and jeanne
knowledge-is-prediction
yeah
<3
we're better prepared this time
and
I owe you
for s
lilies-on-water
not how it works
knowledge-is-prediction
I love you and I want you to be happy
is that how it works
lilies-on-water
yeah
that works
I love you
<33
knowledge-is-prediction
<33
knowledge-is-prediction
they got back to me it's real
lilies-on-water
hopefully they are at least a little less annoyed about you stealing me now
okay. I'll talk to Marlo.
thank you
love you.
OOC: chat logs between @scarlet-thread and @yearbyyeardaybyday.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
my husband is NOT abusive
he has never hit me
@scarlet-thread
...I suppose if you're defining abuse as being limited to physical violence, then he's not abusive.
He's still a son of a bitch who's not worth your time, though.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
Divorce is wrong except for sexual immorality and also he puts up with *me*
I can pass myself off pretty well on tumblr but... I'm not well
I wasn't well before the pregnancies and they've taken a lot out of me
I'm hard to live with
anyone would get angry
@scarlet-thread
He's the one who keeps getting you pregnant!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
As I've explained, it's morally wrong for anyone with a fertile womb not to have as many children as possible because otherwise humanity will go extinct!
@scarlet-thread
Besides, I guarantee you I'm MUCH harder to put up with, and somehow I found someone who never gets angry with me.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
s is great
it's unreasonable to expect everyone to be s
@scarlet-thread
...but you haven't had any children, so you might as well not have any children in a less terrible way.
S is admittedly the best person in the world but there are many, many people in the space between him and your husband.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
I have given birth to one child, but of course she wasn't mine.
One more and we'll be at replacement.
Okay, lots of people *seem* okay but they don't have to put up with *me*.
@scarlet-thread
You're delightful, though.
Oh! I promise that if you have a child with your husband I'll murder someone.
Now if you don't you'll be at replacement on net!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
I just seem delightful on Tumblr! I'm actually terrible in real life where you don't have to put up with me attempting suicide!
WHAT NO THAT'S HORRIBLE
DON'T DO THAT
WHAT
are you serious?
sorry I have a hard time reading tone, my husband always criticizes me for that, I take him too literally
@scarlet-thread
See, this is what I mean about your husband, he could just SAY when he wasn't be literal and that would fix the problem much more easily.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
that's not addressing the issue of whether you want to murder people!!!!!!!
@scarlet-thread
Yes, I was serious! It's okay, though, I won't as long as you don't have a child with him.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
...please do not murder anyone
please
I don't think I should keep talking to you if you're okay with murdering people
um maybe I should though? to try to convince you it's wrong
it's definitely wrong to murder people
@scarlet-thread
I know it's wrong to murder people! I generally don't!
There's a very easy way to convince me not to murder them :)
@yearbyyeardaybyday
that's not reassuring! you should NEVER murder anyone
I don't think you're supposed to give murderers what they want in order to convince them not to murder people!!!!!!!!
@scarlet-thread
You SAID it was okay that Sandy murdered Jeremy.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
self-defense is not murder!!!
@scarlet-thread
Oh, okay.
Do you not count it as murder if it's to stop them killing people who aren't you?
@yearbyyeardaybyday
I'm not KILLING my babies
how dare you imply that!!!
@scarlet-thread
What? No!!
I didn't mean that!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
what did you mean?
@scarlet-thread
I meant, if someone's going to kill several people, and you kill them to stop them, but they weren't going to kill you, then it's not self-defense, right? Is that murder?
@yearbyyeardaybyday
defending OTHER people is also not murder
@scarlet-thread
I'm just trying to figure out if I've murdered people, the way you mean it.
Oh, okay! I don't think I've ever murdered anyone, then.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
...you live a REALLY interesting life for a handmaid
@scarlet-thread
That was how I ended up as a handmaid!
Well, not the murder specifically.
But the interesting life.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
Oh, you were a criminal Handmaid?
@scarlet-thread
Yes, unfortunately. It would have been easier to escape from prison, but nooooo.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
The personal relationship helps people get redeemed!
...I mean, not in your case
but in general
@scarlet-thread
That does seem like it might make sense for people who need redeeming!
Not that I'm perfect by any means, but I don't regret the things I did to end up as a handmaid.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
...did they involve threatening people with murder
@scarlet-thread
No, like I said, they never found out about the murder.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
you shouldn't threaten people with murder!!! it is definitely wrong!!!
especially not me
@scarlet-thread
Oh, I know that's usually wrong. I just did it anyway.
Because I like you! And you were really nice to my fiancé!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
do you... normally show people you like them by threatening them with murder
because if you do I understand why you wound up a criminal Handmaid!
@scarlet-thread
Not at all! I think you're only the second. And like I said, murder wasn't involved in becoming a handmaid!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
the second person you've threatened with murder or the second person you LIKE you've threatened with murder
@scarlet-thread
The second person whom I've threatened with murder as a means of showing affection!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
I feel like if you have threatened multiple people with murder to show them affection
this explains why you were a criminal handmaid
also I'm kind of scared
are all atheists like this
@scarlet-thread
No, they were both after I stopped being a handmaid!
I'm a very unusual atheist.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
that's... reassuring
are the, uh, blasphemous orgies also unusual
@scarlet-thread
Those are unusual even for me! I've never had a blasphemous orgy, it would be my first.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
that's... good?
I guess you could be lying to me because you're an atheist
atheists have no reason not to tell lies because they aren't afraid of hell
@scarlet-thread
I'm not sure why I would bother!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
I don't know. I've never met an atheist before.
@scarlet-thread
Gosh, really, never?
@yearbyyeardaybyday
I mean, I'm sure I've met people who didn't believe
or cashiers or something where they just didn't talk about it
@scarlet-thread
Well, you probably shouldn't get your first impression from me! I'm not at all typical.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
I'm glad!!!!
um I think I'm supposed to evangelize you now but I think you know the bible better than I do?
@scarlet-thread
Probably! I have a very good memory.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
and also I'm not sure how to convince you that you shouldn't threaten people with murder
that seemed pretty obvious actually
@scarlet-thread
Oh, it's okay, I already know I shouldn't do that!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
also you shouldn't desecrate bibles or have sex outside of marriage
@scarlet-thread
I'm pretty sure those aren't true but I'm only planning to do the first one once, and I'm planning to fix the second as soon as I can!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
you shouldn't even do it once!
you could go to Hell!
@scarlet-thread
Oh I don't think Hell exists but if it does I'm pretty sure I'm going there anyway.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
Don't worry! No one is destined to go to Hell!
All you have to do to go to Heaven is accept God's free gift of grace!
Jesus came to save even the worst sinners, like you and me. :)
@scarlet-thread
Oh! All right. I accept, that solves that.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
Now you can expect God's grace to work in your life to cause you to become a better person. :)
@scarlet-thread
I'll look forward to it!
@yearbyyeardaybyday
that was... easier than I expected?
you realize you can't just say it, you have to actually accept it
@scarlet-thread
Of course! Why would I not accept it? I don't think God is real, but if he is it sounds convenient to have, so I might as well accept it just in case.
@yearbyyeardaybyday
...wow those sunday school videos were way more accurate about how evangelism works than I expected
How do the Gilead mathematicians interface with the rest of the world? Does everyone just take 'tao means infinity in Gileadese' as a weird fact to work with?
This is a good question and I don’t know enough about international math relations to answer it properly. I would guess that Gileadite scientists and academics have kind of a raw deal in general, though mathematicians may have an easier time because I’m not sure that government agencies are typically capable of comprehending their results. They can probably get any interesting results to their buddies in other countries if they really want to.
chatlog between @thegloryofthemorning and @satisfy-you-always
satisfy-you-always
I'm concerned about you. You've been posting a lot of... very sad things recently.
I prayed about it and God laid it on my heart to message you.
thegloryofthemorning
Thank you, that's very kind.
satisfy-you-always
Would you like to talk about whatever it is?
I consider what I say in this account to be part of my ministry and so I won't tell anyone; I take confidentiality very seriously.
thegloryofthemorning
Last April my best friend Alexander turned 22; we celebrated together, and I stayed later than I intended to. He said some things that were in retrospect flirting, and then kissed me. I shouldn't have kissed him back, but I did.
I — had been keeping something a secret the whole time we had known each other, and I panicked and told him. It was a hurtful thing, both that it was true and that I'd been hiding it. I left.
I've tried to reach out to him a couple of times, both to apologize for hurting him and because he's the only person I can really discuss it with. He clearly doesn't want to talk to me; he doesn't respond to texts or emails, which is completely sensible of him and if I were in his position I'd do the same.
satisfy-you-always
And now you're sad because you don't get to talk to him anymore?
thegloryofthemorning
I miss him, yes.
I… don't know whether I was wrong for loving him or wrong for hurting him but either way I was wrong. And I still have the thing I was keeping secret.
satisfy-you-always
God is love.
I believe that it is never wrong to love someone.
There are ways of *expressing* love that are wrong. Kissing Alexander was wrong the way that, I don't know, loving your children by robbing a bank to pay for their cancer treatment is wrong.
But you wouldn't say to someone in that situation "it was wrong for you to love your kids."
thegloryofthemorning
Thank you.
I — still hurt him a lot, though.
satisfy-you-always
I don't know what your secret is, but everyone hurts people they love sometimes. It's part of being fallen.Have you asked God for help figuring out whether your secret was a sin?
thegloryofthemorning
…my secret was that I'm an Eye.
satisfy-you-always
Oh, poor Alexander must have been so frightened.
Even though you know and I know you'd just turn him in for treatment.
God has forgiven you, you know. For the hurt you caused him.
thegloryofthemorning
Alexander hasn't, though.
And I know that shouldn't matter, next to God's forgiveness, but it does.
satisfy-you-always
Oh honey.
It is *normal* to be sad when someone you love doesn't want to talk to you, and when you've hurt them and can't ask for forgiveness.
thegloryofthemorning
Thank you.
satisfy-you-always
I don't think God is the sort of person who would feel angry and resentful about you loving other people.
thegloryofthemorning
thank you
it's - I want to say "it's just" but I don't know what it's just
satisfy-you-always
It's just that you miss him? It's just that you want to kiss him again? It's just that you're not sure that being an Eye is the right thing to do? Something else?
thegloryofthemorning
all of those
satisfy-you-always
Have you considered going to an SSA treatment program?
thegloryofthemorning
I've considered it, yes
satisfy-you-always
But you haven't signed up for one yet?
thegloryofthemorning
no
satisfy-you-always
why?
thegloryofthemorning
I don't know
satisfy-you-always
Is it that you don't *want* to stop wanting to kiss him?
Or you're afraid that someone at work might find out and discriminate against you?
Or something else?
thegloryofthemorning
it would feel like betraying him
more than I already have
satisfy-you-always
how so?
thegloryofthemorninghe trusted me
satisfy-you-always
he trusted you not to send him to SSA treatment against his will and that's why he kissed you
so going to SSA treatment yourself feels like betraying him?
thegloryofthemorning
that but also he trusted me to keep his secret.
..I shouldn't be telling you this
any of this
satisfy-you-always
I won't tell anyone.
I don't think Alexander would want you to suffer with this alone.
Do you think he would want you to suffer all by yourself?
thegloryofthemorning
no
he wouldn't
satisfy-you-always
I think you should find someone to talk to about this who will keep it secret. It can be me, or a Biblical counselor, or a friend.
thegloryofthemorning
["I only have one friend and it's Alexander," he doesn't type.]
I can do that
satisfy-you-always
And I think... there's a real tendency to think that sexual sins are the worst sins, and they're not?
The sins of the flesh are very minor sins.
Because you can commit them and still love your neighbor, even if imperfectly. The really serious sins are things like hatred and pride and despair that you can't do and love someone at the same time.
And I think... right now you are despairing and sad and you hate yourself, and those are *so much worse* than homosexuality, and I think whomever you decide to talk to about this has to be someone who understands that it is much more important that you stop hating yourself about Alexander leaving than it is that you stop wanting to kiss him.
thegloryofthemorning
all of that makes sense
thank you
satisfy-you-always
is there anything else you want to talk about?
thegloryofthemorning
not particularly
thank you again
chatlogs between @lilies-on-water and @knowledge-is-prediction
knowledge-is-prediction
lily what happened
lilies-on-water
I had Kit over for my birthday, we were watching movies
he's been kind-of-almost flirting with me for the last month or so
I tried flirting back, he reacted exactly the way I'd expect a gay guy to
it was late and it was a bad decision and I kissed him
and I think I figured out why cascadia thinks I'm a spy now because he's a fucking eye of god
knowledge-is-prediction
...fuck
lilies-on-water
yes
fuck
knowledge-is-prediction
[he feels so so guilty]
we have to get you out of there
lilies-on-water
would cascadia let me in
knowledge-is-prediction
I don't know!
Coyotes don't check whether you have a visa
and surely I can go "my boyfriend kissed an Eye and he might go to *prison* get him *out* of there"
sorry
I'm just
really worried
lilies-on-water
no it's fine
don't be sorry
you have literally nothing to be sorry for
knowledge-is-prediction
<3
lilies-on-water
❤️
knowledge-is-prediction
gileadite prisons aren't *that* bad, it's mostly that I wouldn't get to talk to you and you'd be gaslit a lot
there. first piece of confidential information shared in our entire relationship
lilies-on-water
I love youI love you so much
knowledge-is-prediction
but like. you won't get assaulted and the food's okay.
lilies-on-water
how long do you think I could make myself eat it, though
knowledge-is-prediction
they'd forcefeed you
because you can't accept God into your heart if you're dead
lilies-on-water
ssa camp with forcefeeding. sounds great
knowledge-is-prediction
<3
I can threaten to quit maybe? if they don't let you in?
lilies-on-water
don't do that
knowledge-is-prediction
if you don't want me to I won't
lilies-on-water
your job's important
knowledge-is-prediction
*you're* important
lilies-on-water
and you gotta take care of s
fuck
knowledge-is-prediction
how well do you think I'm gonna do my job if you're in prison
I just
I wish I could give you a hug right now
lilies-on-water
me too
if cascadia doesn't let me in I can try canada
knowledge-is-prediction
it's usually harder to get into canada but you should try
asher is hugging me, I am being hugged
chatlog between @lilies-on-water and @knowledge-is-prediction, pt 4
[Immediately after this post.]
lilies-on-water
…my visa got denied
knowledge-is-prediction
did they say *why*
lilies-on-water
they didn't
knowledge-is-prediction
they think you're a spy
lilies-on-water
I
I'd say "why" but either you don't know or you can't answer
knowledge-is-prediction
it's at least a little because you're visiting me
they do extra scrutiny on those
it hasn't been a problem *before*
fuck. FUCK
lilies-on-water
yeah
knowledge-is-prediction
other than that I don't know, they don't tell people what triggers it
lilies-on-water
makes sense
sorry, I will probably be incredibly emotional about this in about two days but I'm messing with my own ability to have feelings at the moment
knowledge-is-prediction
...in a normal way like drugs or a way I'm concerned about like not eating
lilies-on-water
not drugs
don't worry about it, I'm fine, I just wanted to explain the weird response
knowledge-is-prediction
when you say "don't worry about it I'm fine" and don't say what the thing is
that actually makes me more worried
I realize I have no ability to, like, stop you from doing anything, because I can't go to Gilead and you can't go to Cascadia
but if you want to talk to me about things I am here
repeatedly saying "fuck"
lilies-on-water
I'm just dissociating a lot, I had breakfast today and everything
[breakfast was an apple but lev doesn't need to know that]
knowledge-is-prediction
I know it's 9pm in Iowa
I love you. I know I can't make you eat.
I wish you would.
[Lev does not type 'I don't want you to die.']
lilies-on-water
I love you too
knowledge-is-prediction
honestly it could be anything that triggered it
lilies-on-water
yeah
I'm glad they're keeping you safe
knowledge-is-prediction
I think mooostly they are trying to keep cascadian government secrets safe
lilies-on-water
still
that keeps you safe
knowledge-is-prediction
maybe your internet browsing pattern is suspicious, maybe you translated something you didn't know was for the Eyes, maybe you were part of some group they don't like when you were sixteen
who knows
you can try again in six months and maybe it will work?
(unless you are actually a spy. then it will not work.)
lilies-on-water
I'm not actually a spy
but obviously I'd say that either way
love you
knowledge-is-prediction
if you're a spy I would be really heartbroken
love you
knowledge-is-prediction
[lev rereads the chatlogs with his most anguished and passionate declarations of love in them and imagines them being passed around and laughed at by the Eyes pretending to be Sasha]
[oh and the sexts. he is pretty sure all the Eyes are collectively shitting their pants laughing about the sexts]
lilies-on-water
[He reads "if you're a spy I would be really heartbroken" over and over and over until he puts his phone down and curls up and cries.]
