#oooooooooh god

[greatbigstorm]

/ /

[thebadwolfdemon]

T U M M Y   T R A I L S

[elgenerichoe]

It starts to get better during the third week.  Your body becomes used to the grueling schedule, your mind begins to retain some of the knowledge of advanced accounting.  You still need help: you’ve only landed one hit on Merlin (and he quickly flattened you while you were gaping), and Elaine still looks at you like you’re a wet stray dog left on her doorstep.  But it’s better than her ‘looking right past you’ look, so at least she’s starting to notice you. 

Even better, Eggsy comes by on Sundays after your training to let off steam: you, he and Roxanne (Lancelot) usually end up in Leicester Square and go for pizza and hit the arcades.  Once or twice, you end up at the National Gallery.  The first time, Roxy had peered into the donation box and nodded in self satisfaction.  “I break in here to look properly at the paintings,” she explained when you ask.  “It’s hard to appreciate art with so many people around.  Plus it’s good practice, disabling the cameras.  When I’m done, I leave a few tenners and check if they’ve noticed.  Serial numbers memorized, of course.”

You’re still not sure if Roxy is the coolest or the scariest girl you’ve ever met.

Once your probation period is over, you’re made an official Kingsman employee, complete with a code name.  You quite like 'Rhiannon’ until you learn that it’s the name of a horse goddess.  Naoko starts to neigh and harrumph whenever she gives you an assignment.  It’s still better than Elaine’s icy gaze.  You take some comfort in knowing that she hasn’t reassigned you, so you must be doing something right.  Your days are still spent catching up to the others in terms of brain power and physical training, and you welcome the work.  It helps you forget about the first day, when Harry dropped you home.

“Focus, lass!” Merlin shouts one day, after punching you in the solar plexus.  “You should’ve seen that one coming from a mile off.  Get yer head out of your arse, all right?!” After getting knocked down again, Merlin calls time and bends down to pick you up.  “Ye mind telling me what’s going on?” You don’t answer; he gives you a knowing look and rolls his eyes.  “Harry, then? Did he say something to you?”

“No.  I haven’t really seen him that much, so…”

“…Right.  So what’s the status between the two of ye?” He picks up a towel and wipes himself off.   You tell him that honestly, you still don’t know.  You’re not really angry with him anymore, but there’s still the hurt and shock of how your life (not as bad as you thought it would be) has turned out.  And then there was that confession, out of nowhere.  When you’re done, Merlin is gulping down water and steadfastly ignoring you.

“Oh, you’re done? Look, I’m not an…expert or anything, but maybe the two of ye need to have a chat? Clear the air, find out where ye both stand.  It’s getting in the way of your training."  He lets out a frustrated sigh.  "And if t'fucker continues to look like a sad dog’s dinner, he’ll scare off any new clients, which means I don’t get funding for some projects I’ve got going on….what?”

You continue to grin at Merlin’s gruff show of concern until he actually turns a bit red.  “Right, elliptical machine now.”

The 'talk’ doesn’t happen for another few weeks.  A batch of uranium gets stolen from an Indian laboratory, and everyone’s top priority is to find the culprits before World War III starts.  You and Suresh pour over the account statements of every person who’s been to India in the last six months.  It’s a genuine team effort, and the relevant information helps Percival and Lancelot find the thieves and stop a dirty bomb from being detonated in the heart of Kashmir.  You slump into your chair while the office erupts in cheers.  “Rhiannon,” comes Elaine’s cool voice.  She nods ever so slightly at you and moves on.

You’re still smiling when you open the door to your flat.  You hear footsteps and immediately grab the titanium baseball bat (you still haven’t found the last weapon cache).  “….It’s just me.  I’m sorry I let myself in."  You move slowly and see Harry lying flat on your couch: shoes off, tie undone, eyes closed.  Now that you’ve had some training, you can tell just how truly dangerous he is.  He reminds you of a sleepy panther.  Apparently, not many Kingsmen live long enough to become Arthur.  It says something about how good he really is.

"Long day, right?” You say lightly, setting your bag down.  He nods tiredly.  “Can I get you a drink, or…?”

“…Perhaps,” he replies.  “It depends on how long I’m here for, really."  He sits up now, smiling a bit shyly.  "Elaine tells me you found the transactions we needed to avert this crisis."  You blush a little bit.  "You’ve done well so far.  I’m glad.”

There’s a bit of an awkward silence before he clears his throat.  “I…well…to tell you the truth…”

“That’s a first."  It’s mean and catty, but you can’t help it.  And Harry sighs defeatedly.

"I don’t know what else to say,” he says.  “Except…that for however long it takes, I will make amends for all I’ve done…and maybe someday you won’t be angry with me.”

And that’s it.  That’s what finally touches that nerve of yours.  “See, that’s the thing, Harry,” you begin agitatedly.  “I’m not angry.  I stopped being angry when I focused it all on a punching bag and pretended it was your face.  That was before I learned that pretty much everyone I work with tells their families about this job."  His eyes widen.  "No, not like that.  But a few 'government work’ here and 'classifieds’ there is enough to stop normal people from asking questions.  Fuck, even Eggsy told his mom! And Roxy? Her dad’s Percival!”

“I only-”

“And…” you continue, feeling the epiphany finally dawn on you.  “And…I think that’s why I still can’t forgive you, Harry.  You didn’t trust me, not even a little bit.  You’ve been doing this for over twenty years; this job is the most important part of your life…” Why did your mouth go bitter when you said that? “….And you didn’t think to let me know? All those trips you took, and I would miss you so horribly.  A-And those scars, and the 'mugging’ and Beijing!”

Harry hasn’t said a word, but he seems to sag under your words, coming out faster now.  “What, you thought I couldn’t handle it? Well guess what: I know how to paralyze a man from the waist down with one good shot or a well-placed kick.  Clearly, I could have handled it.  I have to wonder if you wanted to keep me safe, or keep me safe for yourself."  His head snaps up but you go on.  "Your soft, helpless, sweet little kitten.”

“That is ridi-”

“It’s not.  It really, really is not."  Goddamnit, you said you wouldn’t cry.  ”…The truth is, you’re a selfish prick, Harry Hart.  You wanted to keep being a Kingsman, and you couldn’t reconcile that with your need for a stable home life.  You wanted it all, with no thought as to how unsafe I was until five Ukranians with guns were less than ten minutes from my door.“

You wipe your tears angrily, and stare at the floor.  ”….And you tell me that you love me.  You didn’t trust me, you put me in danger, you lied….don’t ever say you love me again.  You don’t know the meaning of the fucking word.“

The silence is heavy, pressing on your back, pushing everything closer and becomes nigh unbearable until Harry finally speaks.  ”….I’m so sorry.“

"Don’t…!” The ugly sobs you’ve been holding back finally break loose, making your chest hurt so much you nearly double over as you hiccough and cry.  Harry gets up slowly and kneels in front of you, waits for you to stop crying.

“…I won’t apologize for wanting to keep you safe; my intentions were sound…at least, at first,” he says in a wavering voice.  “But for this….” He wipes your cheek; you’re torn between shoving his hand away and leaning close.  “This, and everything else….I am so sorry.  I truly am.  Oh my darling girl, I’ve wronged you so badly…”

He gets up and presses a gentle kiss on the top of your hair; you squeeze your eyes shut to stop more tears from falling.  “There won’t be any awkwardness at work,” he says solemnly.  “Merlin will be wholly in charge of your training now.  I won’t…I won’t interfere again."  His hands tremble as he entwines them with yours.  You look up at him, and even through your tears you see his eyes are wet.  He manages a bittersweet smile and gets up, wears his shoes, puts on his jacket and leaves.

You don’t cry yourself to sleep, but as soon as Merlin comes in and gets one look at you, he sends you back to bed and calls Elaine to tell her you’re going to need a few days off.  He says you need the time to clear your head now that everything with you and Harry is out in the open. 

You’d needed only five seconds after Harry left to realize that you still love him, and less than that for that sinking feeling of regret to settle into your stomach.