#opbb2019

[junonboi]

Suuuper rough lil animation for @zoroism 's fic linklinklink for the @opbigbang 2k19!! It's based off when we were chatting about funny moments and this particular idea really struck me lol

[icarly1969]

first post ever!

so i’m participating in opbb 2019 and i’m so excited about it and i’m still not sure if my fic will get selected by an artist (fingers crossed) but nonetheless. and i’m just... casually agonising over my basically not quite existent plot skeleton and worrying about school because architecture school is a nightmare on getting enough time to eat and sleep or just breath let alone write but! i will preserver. 

really happy about this honestly, it’s a mood-lifter to think about how i’m really going to do this?

cause i’m still kinda half-upset at myself about that fic i started in 2013 and never completed. i knew i had plans and everything and i never wrote it down because i’m a bloody perfectionistic idiot who would rather not start on something than to start on it and have it not be perfect so now i cannot pick it up because what i’ve written is so painful to even look at, and it’s a complete mess. i planned it out to be confusing. really doesn’t help every few years i go back and try to do something about it but i never complete it and it always gives me enough of a headache that i edit a little and stop? and then it mutates.

it MUTATES like some damned virus or bacteria that can exchange and recombine dna real quick.

and i promised to finish it!!!! urgh!!! then there’s that other fic i promised a sequel for that likewise i never ever wrote anything down for and - well. doesn’t help that during my venture into fan-fiction on the chinese side of the reading world i started one series i never ended because halfway through i got stressed out by school and then i lost motivation and when i eventually wanted to i just couldn’t figure out what i was trying to do and nothing made sense and it just makes me all so pissed. 

it all sounds like a load of excuses to myself really.

and... i don’t want to take them down? because they’re there and someone once had liked those writing enough to validate them with some kudos and comments and every single one of them gives me flutterbys. even if i feel some sort of soul-crushing guilt from looking at them then at least i get a little bit of happiness from thinking that there were at least a couple dozens of people that liked what i wrote.

erasing them might be like erasing those black marks but they’re too much like denying that part of me existed and it feels even more dishonest in some way. plus it means i need to live up to an expectation of perfection i’m holding myself to and gives me the feeling i need to do whatever i can to achieve and maintain it, which is just encouraging my habit of not starting on anything because i’m so scared they’ll turn out terrible.

but then because they sit there they’re always sitting in the back of my mind too and i can’t quite bring myself to start on new works? i keep thinking that i’ll never complete them since i couldn’t complete three of the long works i wanted to and i almost half-hate that one and only long work i completed for nanowrimo in 2014 that i managed to lose the record for because i was an idiot who fiddled with the nanowrimo buttons when i tried to participate in 2019 and the point is that i just. stopped. writing in general, essentially. even with my attempts at crafting my own original story and developing that.

it’s a pretty horrible fear to have i think, sometimes. it’s february 2020 and i haven’t gotten anywhere and i can’t juggle this with school yet, i’m nowhere near perfect and i’m never going to be. plus i honestly believe that the best writers are all at least a little bit schizophrenic and i’m not all there yet? not there in a composed way at any rate even if sometimes i look at myself and think oh damn you’re really different online than offline. 

okay the point of this is really just saying i’m hoping that by doing opbb i can get through this. forgive myself for being such a horrible human being by not keeping my promises about completing my works and not taking them down so i could pretend i complete what i write, then face up to who i am and maybe, hopefully accept that it’s okay to not be able to deal with everything.

not like anyone cares anyways, i’m nobody and not altogether that important, so it probably matters even less that i’m making all these mistakes so.

i’m going to stick through with this 25k words for opbb if it breaks my brains because i don’t want to keep pushing this off when i love this whole process of writing and reading so much. sometimes i can feel the destabilising effect not writing (or even just reading) half as much as i used to have on my ability to remain zen and calm and at peace with myself.

so thanks opbb for being an opportunity! (even if it’s not even begun yet...)

maybe i’ll get into writing for all the fandoms i had fallen in love with while i’m at this, too. one can hope.

heh.