Sep 23, 2019
He’s really sweet, funny, and awkward. I like him. I like him a lot.
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He’s really sweet, funny, and awkward. I like him. I like him a lot.
If I really love him, why did I dream about someone else and why was I so happy in that dream?
Wouldn’t it be magical if we turned into an us?
Our conversations are filled with teasing and laughter. I use big words he admits he doesn’t know the meaning of, but he doesn’t get mad at me for it. I look forward to seeing him and want to know more about him. I don’t know what to think of this. I don’t know if I want this to develop into anything. He’s new and unknown to everyone back home. This could be dangerous. I don’t want to get hurt or end up hurting anyone. I don’t know.
I would have crossed oceans for you, darling. But you, you refused to cross a stream.
— Now I will cross oceans to find myself
He seems like the type of boy who would be afraid of going too fast. The type who would carefully think out when to first kiss you and when to say “I love you” for the first time.
Dearest Ex,
Ex-what? I ask myself that question a lot. Never officially lovers, certainly more than friends. You were there for me during hard times in my life, I was so hurt and vulnerable then. Maybe you stepped in to take advantage of my state, maybe you didn’t and your intentions were pure. I’ll never know.
We weren’t perfect. You brought a mixture of happiness, confusion, and sorrow and I probably drove you crazy. But my dearest, you taught me lessons I needed to learn.
When someone walks away, I will fight for them before they leave, not after. If they give up, I should leave too and wait for someone who will stay. I won’t let myself be drawn into another carousel of pursuing, obtaining, then losing. I will express my thoughts freely, and if I’m too reserved to speak my mind, I will work to reach the point where I am no longer afraid. Most importantly, I know I can love and be loved.
There are so many things I want answers to, but the time for me to ask you those questions has passed. I’ll never know why you started to drift away from me while I was reaching the conclusion that I was in love with you. I’ll never know why you kept me thinking you would come back for me. I’ll never know why you talked to other girls while you knew I was wrapped around your finger. There will undoubtedly be countless days where I keep asking myself these questions, but I need to let them fade.
I don’t think I’ve stopped loving you. Instead, my love for you has changed. I love the person you were while pursuing me. The man who stayed up late because he knew I couldn’t sleep and would talk to me until I fell asleep in the middle of conversation. The man who asked thought provoking questions, the one who encouraged me to take calculated risks. The only man whose heartbeat I listened to while unintentionally falling asleep, the person who took me by the hand to clumsily dance under the stars with no music, who then princess carried me just to get me to smile.
As much as I love you, there are parts of you that I hate. I hate the boy who led me on while pursuing other girls, the one who made my cry at night. The person whose promises were neglected, who wasn’t brave enough or willing to tell me the truth that he wasn’t going to give me the type of relationship I wanted and pressured me to accept one on his terms.
The truth of the matter is, you are both the passionate man and the foolish boy. I can’t fully hate you, because I love you. And I can’t fully love you, because I hate you. I love the memories you gave me, but I also hate them. Your two sides are very different and are inseparable. Because of this, I don’t know what I think of you anymore. I love and hate you, some days one more than the other.
I don’t want to spend anymore time thinking about you though. You’re not worth my time anymore, you’ve proven that much. I want to find it in myself to forgive you for the pain you’ve caused me, but I don’t think I’m there yet. I don’t think our paths will ever cross again, but if they do, I want to be able to meet your gaze without feeling any regrets. I don’t know how long that will take or if that day will ever come, but I know that somehow, I will be able to reach that point of clarity.
He’s the type of guy whose voice has the ability to calm you down and make you feel like everything will be okay. I could fall asleep to the sound of his words soothing my worried mind and giving me a sense of peace.