#opera summarized

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3-Minute Opera: Verdi's Don Carlos | WQXR Features | WQXR

Give WQXR Morning Host Jeff Spurgeon three minutes and he'll give you an entire opera. 

PLS I’M DYING

[monotonous-minutia]

Il Trovatore, Act 2, 50 lines

For @notyouraveragejulie :) Let’s go!

A camp

Workers: Good morning let’s wake up the whole village by singing really loudly and banging on some anvils.

Azucena: This fire reminds me of the day my mother died.

Manrico: You’ve never told me that story.

Azucena: I’m sure I have.

Manrico: I think I would remember.

Azucena: Okay fine. This no-good count guy said my mother was a witch so they had her burned at the stake. Her last words to me were “Avenge me!” So I decided to avenge her by burning one of the count’s sons.

Manrico: OMG MOM THAT’S TERRIBLE

Azucena: It gets worse. I accidentally burned my own son.

Manrico: What does that make me?????

Azucena: Oh shit the cat’s out of the bag. No, Manrico, you are my son. Haven’t I raised you like a mother? And the other day when you were bleeding and dying who put bandaids on your wounds?

Manrico: …You did?

Azucena: Exactly. Anyway enough about me, let’s talk about you. I heard you got into a duel with the Count di Luna guy the other day. Why didn’t you kill him?

Manrico: I don’t know. I was going to, but a voice told me not to.

Azucena: Well get it right next time. My mom needs avenging.

Messenger comes in

Messenger: I have a note for someone named Manrico.

Manrico: That’s me! OMG Leonora thinks I’m dead and she’s going to become a nun!!!

Azucena: Drama.

Manrico: I have to stop her!

Azucena: But you’re still recovering! And you can’t leave me!

Manrico: Fine I’ll just die of grief at your feet then.

Azucena: Kids these days! Yeesh! Fine, go save what’s-her-name. Just make sure you’re back in time for dinner.

Manrico: YAYY HERE I COME LEONORA I LOVE YOU

Outside the convent

Di Luna: Are you ready, gentlemen?

Ferrando and the gang: Yes sir

Di Luna: Awesome. Let’s go save Leonora from the horrible fate of being a nun. I love her so much and I don’t understand why she doesn’t love me but I also don’t care because she’s so beautiful and sweet and I love her and yeah. I’ll be damned if she chooses God over me.

Ferrando and the gang: Aww.

Di Luna: Shut up. Let’s go.

Inside the convent

Leonora: Ines, why are you crying?

Ines: You up and decided to go be a nun because this one guy isn’t in your life anymore and now I’ll never see you again.

Leonora: Don’t cry. If I can’t be his, I will die, or be a nun, and being a nun is a bit more accessible right now tbh.

Ines: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Count di Luna bursts in with Ferrando and the gang

Di Luna: COME ON LEONORA LET’S GO

Leonora: What are you doing here???

Di Luna: I’ve broken in to save you!

Everyone: OMG you’re crazy what a terrible thing to do

Manrico bursts in with Ruiz and the gang

Manrico: COME ON LEONORA LET’S GO

Leonora: Omg what are YOU doing here?

Manrico: I’ve broken in to save you!

Everyone: OMG how wonderful you’re so brave

Di Luna: Wait what

Leonora: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD THIS IS AWESOME YOU’RE ALIVE

Manrico: IDK WHY YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD BUT HERE I AM I LOVE YOU

Leonora: I LOVE YOU MORE

Manrico: NO I LOVE YOU MORE

Di Luna: This is so not fair

Everyone: SHUT UP COUNT AND GET OUT OF HERE.

Ferrando: Boss we should probably go.

Di Luna: FINE BUT YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME

Manrico and Leonora: WHAT’S THAT WE CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING OVER HOW IN LOVE WE ARE

Ruiz and the gang: GET THE COUNT AND HIS SWORD

The take di Luna’s sword and chase him off while Leonora and Manrico make out

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please enjoy (or tolerate), in honor of Mozart’s birthday, my attempt at summarizing Le nozze di Figaro in two parts (Part I; Part II)

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I spent a stupid amount of time making this

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Much like La forza del destino itself, my in-the-car retelling of it was full of problems and unfortunate mishaps, but unlike several of the opera’s leads, I made it to the end!

(also @tilthenextbluemoon sorry to disappoint but I absolutely cannot do the Ring Cycle. here’s this as consolation.)

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Here’s my Monday morning attempt to summarize Viva la mamma! (Le convenienze ed inconvenienze teatrali) in about five minutes. Please excuse the mispronunciations and general antics.

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Alright, y’all, here’s me summing up Benvenuto Cellini in six and a half minutes while driving to the local Juneteenth celebration and trying to find a parking spot!

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...I am officially dead