Rant about my health and life coming it's alot so only do it if you're interested and also very important TW mention of end of life.
I am going to the hospital again tomorrow.
I had a break down last night. Saying I can't do it anymore.
If it wasn't for my cats, I would end it all.
Being in pain 24/7 drives you crazy.
I've been in survival mode so much that even certain organs don't function the way they should.
For people who maybe don't know. Our instincts come from back in the days where we had to maybe flee from a big animal for example. And when you have to survive, you can't get tired, because you need to run. You can't get hungry, cause you need to run. You can't feel happy or anything, because you can only think of survival.
I started to notice my morphine didn't do anything, neither did anything I took after. One day I took morphine, muscle relaxer, sleeping pills, and I felt NOTHING. No pain relief, not feeling high.
I also had my chronic migraines again, my period again. (I take meds for the chronic migraine and have to take the pill for my endometriosis)
Turns out I have gastric paralysis from the situation I'm in. So my meds didn't go in my blood etc, just straight through the body. Which is why nothing worked. I now need medication to to make my stomach work to.. Take my medication..
I have a depression again. I am $uicidal.
I won't hurt myself don't worry, I wouldn't leave my cats. My partner, best friends, my mom are also all suffering from my condition. As in it pains them to see this all and they care.
A condition doesn't only affect the person who feels it. But also the environment.
I went in this procedure with pain on 26th of September, and because it went wrong, I also came out of it with pain.
In total now when it comes to my face, I've been in pain and surviving for 6months now.
I am done. I need either a period that they say okay we'll give it 2 more months and then we really need to take steps, or give me pain relief NOW.
But just hearing '' it can take up to months until the nerves fix themselves, it could be okay '' doesn't cut it. Because sure they can heal in their own time, but I cannot be in pain for all those months? This isn't humane.
And then the doctor of the hospital called this morning after my mom reached out to them saying it can't continue like this. And we said specifically let the doctor call my mom. But then my phone rings, they called me. And I hear
'' - what do you want me to do..''
'' - I think it's important just to get you calm right now. ''
But I can come by tomorrow. With my mom because the issue is I am scared to stand up for myself and will say to quickly '' it's okay''. And it's not. Which is why we wanted them to talk to my mother.
After that call, I called my mom crying that they are pushing these meds on me that have a shit ton of side effects, I already take 7 pills a day (now even 10). And they wanna add more.
I don't wanna become a '' junkie'' depending on the morphine. Because i' m scared I often just sit through the agonizing pain. But if I don't get decent pain relief, I will have to dependant on it. Because if I have to do this for more months.. I am scared I will do something stupid eventually that will be unreturnable.
My best friend told me yesterday '' you have no quality of life. ''
And it's true. And he hates it, and I hate it aswell.
My mom then called to my doctors office (GP) the secretary picked up. She told me afterwards that she was crying to her that it's an emergency to please let her talk to my doctor. And they did. My mom also cried during that conversation. And my doctor agreed, it's going to far, someone needs to help. So he moved heaven and earth to say it like that and got me an appointment with another neurologist in another hospital, the 15th of January. It normally takes months. But he made it happen. And I swear.. This man.. Saved my life more times then he knows.
I am very nervous for tomorrow tho and if they will do something or just tell me again '' sorry it happened I wish I could do something but most likely after months it will heal. '' I feel rage, cause it's easy to say that when you aren't feeling it.
Today I also broke down at my chiropractor.
She said I looked pale. I said I had been crying for 2 days now. And when I told her that I felt suicidal, she said '' no no no, if you ever feel like you're gonna do something, you call me okay?? " and I cried and she hugged me. And then sat with me to talk. And she wants to take me out on walks in her private time.
I also have my psychologist tomorrow, she is also fighting to help me. Last time she literally took me in on the weekend in her private time.
I am glad for my support. But I just can't anymore.. The pain is driving me crazy. Which is also scientifically proven. Your brain changes.
So again, the fact that my content has changed so much is because of that.
Because I am not me.. Not anymore.
But hopefully I will find a way. Even just a little.
If you read all this, wow. You're a star. And thank you ❤️
And eventho I prefer not to let people see me this way. It's the truth, it's how bad it is, it's not pretty, I don't sleep, barely eat, don't feel feelings of fun, my skin is bad,.. But it's me. And because I love you guys, most of you are so lovely so it's only fair to share.
Love you.