a drabble in which olivia goes to england for university and gus is still left behind. a/n: yoyoyoyoyo i'm back with another drabble, isn't that great? okay this is for ella too niCE, alright i love you again and idk i started this january 16th. also this is based off the amazing spiderman 2?? sorta?? yeah. :~)
When Liv first applied to Oxford, she doubted she'd get in, it was like, a leap, she applied for kicks. She hadn't told anyone, didn't want anyone to tell her that she'd get in even though the chances were slim, she didn't want to face how people would comfort her when she would inevitably rejected.
Actually, she had almost forgotten she ever applied in the first place as she got caught up with Gus and everything he was. They planned to go to colleges within an hour from each other. It was perfect, everything was perfect and things came together so easily.
Everything's fine, that is, until, she gets the acceptance letter in the mail. From Oxford. Then she knows she's fucked.
It takes her three days to work up the courage to tell him. They fight and he punches the wall and slams the door on his way out. Olivia cries herself to sleep that night and it's just that. It's that she loves him but she wants to go to England with everything in her heart and she doesn't know how to choose.
He comes back the next day to apologize and she wants to nod and say it's all okay but when she tries to speak, a strangled sob leaves instead because she still can't choose for the life of her. He makes the decision for her and they hug for a really long time. Liv rubs his back and Gus smells her hair and she's still going to go away but it's okay.
So she packs for Oxford, changes things to fit with this new plan and sometimes she backtracked and second guessed but he held her by the shoulders and told her how amazing it was that she was able to get into Oxford. Oxford! And she smiles and kisses him and thanks him and goes back to packing. He watches with sad eyes as she packs for a place they didn't plan for.
At the airport, Liv stands, a hand curled around her suitcase handle and a small, blue pillow (with constellations etched in with white string) tucked under her arm. Her eyes are tired but she doesn't even want to blink, she just wants to stare at Gus and memorize him before she goes. She's already memorized him but it doesn't feel like enough.
She needs to pass through security now or she's going to be late and she's already said bye to her family and her friends and Gus, most importantly, Gus. Liv turns back halfway to the luggage check and meets eyes with him, and it's not enough.
Liv runs, as fast as her legs will allow and hugs him one more time, squeezes him so tight she can hear him struggle to breathe. "I love you, don't forget me."
He chuckles into her hair. "I know."
~
She meets her roommate who is so cool, incredibly cool and Liv loves her. They talk, often, and finally, after a few weeks, Wendy asks about the guy who's featured in nearly every single photo of Liv's. A coy smile crosses her face and she tells her about Gus. Her roommate shrugs her shoulders, smiles, and call them "cute".
Somehow, Liv thought that she and Gus were more than just that.
She talks to Gus every day, or tries to, but it's difficult, with school in the way. Things were easier when they were in the same timezone and in the same classes. It's okay though. Even if every calls ends with one person calling the other person on the line and wondering if they fell asleep, it's still okay.
Because they love each other. So it sorta has to be okay.
Olivia smiles wide when she sees him, every time they skype, it lifts her up. It's just that when he's gone or when it's over, she just feels so sad. It's hard to have a few minutes of happiness followed by hours of sadness. It's a price she never had to pay and now she feels like she's being cheated, this isn't worth it, she thinks. She pushes that thought as fast as it comes, it's poisonous.
~
Liv comes home for the summer and she's finished a year of university. It's kind of exhilarating, finishing a year of school. Oddly enough, she misses Oxford and she misses Wendy, but she sees Gus, waiting at the exit, and now she can barely even remember her own name. His eyes are scanning the airport to look for, well, her. She drops all her bags and runs, this time, to him and she's staying. For now. She can feel his breath on her ear and it feels so great, to feel him and touch him again. "Missed you." Gus whispers, quiet, and her heart is beating fast and she's a little out of breath so she just nods and kisses him.
She unpacks all her things at home and he sits on her bed, cross legged, and asks questions about her flight and exams and all that. Olivia shrugs and gives generic descriptions as she folds her clothes away and back into the empty drawers. What's odd is that they'd been waiting for this opportunity since she had left and now that they were here, they're sitting two feet away from each other with barely any eye contact. It's just awkward, really, there was a rush when she had first arrived but now that they're settled in, they don't know how to act. Things don't fit right anymore and it's odd.
"I brought some tea for you." Liv dives back into her suitcase and finds the box of tea packets in the corner under the pile of sweaters, holding it up then extending her arm towards Gus. He reaches out and instead pulls on her wrist gently, she gets up quickly and tackles him in a hug, pushing him to his back. "Can we go for a walk?" She asks, kissing his nose. He laughs, breath against her jaw before mumbling an agreement and pushing off the bed to go take a walk.
It's suddenly easier with the fresh air and they're swinging their hands as they cross the grass and Gus is smiling so wide. Liv doesn't know if she could be more in love. They lie, heads together, on the field and hands clasped together. Liv talks about things that aren't boring, the parts of England that excite her and about her funny lab partner that likes to joke about America. Gus talks about his classes, laughs about how he can only count how many friends he's kept from high school with one hand, and Liv will swat his hand and tell him how rude he's being. Even though they're the only ones there. Liv kisses his lips, his cheeks, his nose, his eyes, his hands, anything partly because she wants to and partly because she has the opportunity.
Things are easy, like they always are. But it's different because they know she's leaving and they know what's coming. There wasn't a blissful innocence anymore.
~
The thing about leaving is that Liv hates it. She remembers the last time they stood here when she had to go and it was all nerves and excitement but it's only sad now and it feels like they're both going in slow motion. She hugs him and kisses his cheek, burying her face into his chest. "See you in the winter."
"Stay warm." He teases, and she shoves him lightly before tugging on his shirt again so he could lean down and give her another kiss.
But she still hates it is the thing and she loves Gus but she hates having to wait months to see him.
~
When she gets back to her dorm room, she jumps into bed and throws her blankets on top of her body, curling into a ball. Wendy comes in and sits at the end of her bed, clearing her throat to make her presence clear. "Troubled?" Her accent is a tad annoying, dripped with a certain sarcasm that was only present at the mention of Gus or even just an assumption of him. Liv groans, head peeking out from under the covers.
"I love him." She whines, doesn't know why it comes out more as a reason rather than a defense statement. "I love him, Wendy." Her roommate nods, a solemn look on her face and leaves Liv alone to do some thinking.
~
Somewhere along the line, the calls become less frequent, either one too tired sometimes to even bother to text. Gus doesn't consume her every thought anymore and it feels empty all the time, her stomach, her head, her heart, her life. She doesn't know what to do however, and it's the hardest part, the fact that she can't do anything. Resentment grows and she knows it isn't his fault but Liv likes having someone to blame because then it feels less hopeless.
~
She picks up the phone one night, already counting the hours and deciding he should have been up and waiting for his voice to come on the other line. "Hello? Liv?" She takes a deep breath, both relieved and stressed at the same time.
"We need to talk."
~
The next winter break, Olivia comes home like she does every year without fail but Gus isn't waiting for her at the airport and she hasn't brought home any tea for him to have. At the high school reunion, they don't make eye contact. Not even when they both reach for the champagne bottle at the same time. Liv notices that he's tired though. She is too.
~
He texted her first and his words seem carefully thought out even though all she sees are three words. "I miss you." Liv stares at it for fifteen minutes, goes to make dinner, then spends the rest of her night staring at it, surrounded in thick blankets that will never compare to him. She isn't sure if it's because she doesn't know what to say or if it's because she doesn't believe her eyes.
She misses him too.
"We're all good." She decides, sending it before her eyes flutter close and her phone vibrates on the night stand next to her as Gus replies back.
I'm glad. See you next summer. :)
~
The thing is, she doesn't come back next summer. Or in the winter. Or in the summer after that.
Olivia goes on scientific summer programs in other colleges and to other people's houses during the summer for years as she avoids home. Avoids the one person who actually made home, home.
Supposedly, they were okay. Liv should've been fine. The trouble was that she wasn't. She could barely think about him without wanting to cry.
~
When she comes back again, after graduating, she's carrying too many bags and her brother comes around but her neck cranes over the flurry of people filing in and out. "He's not coming, Liv." The blonde sits with shoulders slumped in the car and leans her head on the car window, attention immediately sparked when she swears she catches sight of a mass of curly hair in the midst of the crowd.
It's only another guy, off to meet his girlfriend, Liv thinks (imagines, because she's dramatic) as she tilts her head back and wonders why she even bothered to look in the first place.
Two days later, she's taking a jog through the park because she works out now that she doesn't talk to Gus every hour and she now has something to do with her time. His head's down, hands in his pockets, and she thinks he saw her first otherwise he wouldn't try so hard to be unnoticeable.
Liv counts the number of years on her hand, in her head. Three. "Hey." He looks up, jade green eyes the same as when she first saw them and it's like she's meeting him for the first time again.
It feels like coming home.