“They Never Mention the Nose-Full of Butthole.” An Honest Reflection on the 69 Hype Train Nobody Warned Me About
Everyone hypes 69 like it’s some kind of sexual enlightenment. Two bodies. Mutual oral. Perfect balance.
Lies.
You know what I got?
A face full of cheek. A nose full of butthole. And not the aesthetic kind. The real kind. The kind that reminds you she had Indian food two nights ago and prayed the wet wipes held up.
They never show this in porn. They never mention that in this position:
Your neck is cramped like you’re inspecting plumbing
Her thighs are suffocating you like a live burial
Your entire respiratory system is wedged between pussy, asshole, and regret
I kept going.
Of course I did. Because I’m a gentleman. And because she was moaning like the gates of heaven were opening.
But somewhere in there, right between the pucker press and the second leg shift, I realized:
“I’m not 69’ing. I’m getting butt-waterboarded.”
Am I complaining?
No. I’d do it again. But next time, I’m bringing snorkel gear and a safe word that isn’t muffled by cheeks.
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This post is protected under erotic satire, bodily honesty, and first-person psychosexual commentary. Any laughter, arousal, sudden hygiene flashbacks, or newfound appreciation for the female ass is a known side effect of Blacksite Literature™. You are not grossed out. You are enlightened.