Hidden Reflections
This isn't fandom related content. I'm mostly posting this for the VGen Challenge, just to give options for people there to read the entry. Hopefully anyone who comes across this enjoys it!
CW: This story does have detailed gender dysphoria. It is about my trans-masc OC, Travis. Take care of yourselves first, if you don't think you could handle that type of content right now, then please skip 💚 Challenge Prompt: Mirrors WC: 1,094
Story is below the cut
The sounds of murmured chatter and laughter from the TV drifted to his room. His parents were likely watching a game show, maybe even some type of movie. He didn’t care enough to figure it out, though. In fact, the sounds quickly became forgotten; nothing more than some slight noise somewhere outside of his bedroom.
He was in the process of changing into his comfortable lounge clothes, but the sight of his reflection caught his eye. The only thing he was able to change was his hair colour. It went from his natural dark brown, to a vibrant, UV reactive green. He stared at the strands for a moment, checking the root growth.
Then his gaze dropped to his face.
His heart broke as he stared at himself in the mirror. The reflective surface—smattered with dust particles and stickers from his childhood—never showed his true self. He always saw someone he couldn’t recognize staring back. Travis hated that this was the version of him that others saw. He felt like a liar, a fraud, to show them this shell that didn’t belong to him.
His outward visage was pretty. There were soft curves and hills where he needed flat plains and sharp edges. It was beautiful, this body he was forced to occupy, but it wasn’t his. Travis lightly pinched at the meat of his inner thigh, just below where the hem of his boxers rested. Thoughts flooded his mind, questions that he hoped he would someday have answers to. ‘Will everything feel the same when I’m finally me?’
It was hard to imagine the way the muscles would harden when all he’d known were the soft, almost squishy state of them. He’d stopped shaving his legs a few years back, but the hair there was a fine dusting compared to the dark coverage he’d seen on his father’s bare shins.
The male lifted up the hem of his shirt to expose the inward curve of his waist. He traced the ridge of his hip bone, taut skin giving way to the soft roundness that should be boxy instead. He poked at the small amount of fat there.
He moved on from poking to placing his hands over the dip of his waist. His shirt hem clutched between his teeth as he tried to cover the evidence of the natural femininity of his vessel. His outward appearance always betrayed how he felt his inner self looked—that deep knowing of how he should really look.
There was a knock on his door, snapping him out of his daze, and he dropped his loose fitted shirt back down. The lightness of knuckles against wood alerted him that it was one of his sisters. His parents were heavy-handed, impatient with their interactions.
“Just a minute!” He called out, voice ringing instead of rumbling.
The sound caused him to cringe, cursing himself for forgetting to use his lower tenor. He’d been practicing, trying to deepen his voice naturally. His friends told him they could tell a difference, but it wasn’t quite right to Travis. It still had a feminine twinge to it, and he knew that wouldn’t change naturally. His voice would need a little extra help to reach the sound he knew it should be.
He held on to the knowledge that he only had a few more months. He held it close and let it warm him and guide him, motivate him to keep pushing forward. He only had a few months left here, that’s all. A few more months and he’d be 24. A few more months and he’d have enough saved up to get out of this house, to move in with his best friend when the apartment lease renewed.
He could do it, he knew he could. After all, he’d already waited for what felt like his whole life. In reality, however, he’d gone through the process of his gender identity journey when he was 14. At first he thought it was just him being a ‘tomboy’. He had always preferred to get dirty outside, climb trees and discover new bugs. He had dolls to play with, but they remained mostly untouched until his first younger sister came along.
Travis would watch her playing with the dolls, curious as to why they never brought him that amount of joy. He knew that girls were supposed to enjoy playing dress up with their barbies. He was a girl, too, right? So why did he find it boring to brush out the dolls’ hair, or push them around in the obnoxiously pink car. Well, actually, he did have fun pretending the dolls were driving to new places.
His parents had always tried to keep him inside to play with the ‘girl’ toys instead. They eventually gave up on that, though they were still very displeased about it. Travis’ view on boy vs girl activities changed the instant he passed by a skatepark on the bus home. He saw both boys and girls skateboarding, zipping down the drop-ins and grinding down the stair rails.
Travis begged his parents for a skateboard, but he was always denied. He grew compliant, bending to his parents’ wishes. Playing dolls with his sisters became a new past-time for him, but never gave up his outdoor love. Eventually, however, his sisters wanted to join him on his little bug hunting adventures.
Now that his legs were hidden away behind his favorite pair of sweatpants, Travis threw one last glance towards his full length mirror before opening up his bedroom door. Now out in the open—away from his private thoughts and qualms—Travis faced his family. His two younger sisters that he adored, and his parents that he couldn’t wait to get away from.
They all ate together, making small talk around the dinner table. Travis held in his anger, pain, and disgust when he was referred to wrongly. He’d almost gone numb from it, thought he had at one point, but there was still a slight sting that lingered beneath his ribcage. It bled out into his system, crowding his mind with different questions. Questions he knew he’d likely never get answers to.
After the grueling dinner, Travis shut himself away in his room once again. He made a point to avoid locking his gaze with the girl in the mirror. All she did was taunt him and shatter his heart into shards of glass. He’d had enough of the betrayal that lay beyond the cool surface; he gathered up a spare blanket and covered the girl on the chrome surface completely.
Gotta tag @wheneverfeasible because they encouraged me to post it here. And helped beta read :)