“They seriously need to take this down! This is going to get someone killed!” Quinn huffed at the poster before her.
“What do you mean?” Mike asked her.
“It was doing okay until Rule#5. Read it.”
“ ‘Have a burning desire. Zombies hate fire. Learn to make fire using everyday objects.’ …Okay what’s so wrong about that?”
“What isn’t wrong with it?! It’s total misinformation! Okay number one, Zombies don’t hate fire, they do not fear fire. Zombies do not have the mental capacity to hate or fear anything! That’s why they will continue to march headlong into gunfire as their undead brethren drop like flies around them! They won’t even slow down if you set them on fire because they don’t feel pain.
“There’s only one way to kill a Zombie: Sever its infinitesimal undead brain impulses to the rest of its body. You can shoot them in the head, chop off the head or break the neck, but in the end the goal is the same. Destroy the brain. Do you have any idea how long it would take fire to eat through the eye sockets or soft palate and cook the brain?”
“Umm”
“A lot longer than it takes to shoot ‘em in the head. I suppose the fire could cook the entire body until it is just a pile of bones incapable of movement but that still takes several hours. Plus during that time, they’re flailing around setting fire to God knows what else! Fire is good for cleanup, destroying the bodies after the fight. NOT as a weapon or a Zombie repellent.
“And the second reason why this poster is so dangerous is that some studies have shown Zombies are attracted to fire. Why?”
“Umm,” Mike repeated.
“Because fire is the benchmark of civilization. Just as with hate or fear, Zombies do not have the mental capacity to even open a shut, but not locked, door. They just pound away at it until it finally gives from sheer force alone. Therefore there is no way a Zombie could create fire unless it was an accident. The one thing Zombies do know, as much as a Zombie can know, is identifying signs of life. Fire equals civilization. Civilization equals people, living people. Living people equals food. Therefore to a Zombie…”
“Fire equals food,” Mike deduced.
“Exactly. Now fire is a required resource to have in a survival situation but it should be used smartly and sparingly. This is just,” she waved her hand at the poster in a dismissive motion.
“So I guess you’re not going to buy it?”
“I was before I got to number five. Now I just want to talk to the manager.”
“The manager,” Mike whined “Quiiiiiin!”
“It’ll only take a minute.”
AN: I literally had this convo in my head when I saw this poster at Wal-Mart