#our psalter

[anathuthia]

breathing secret words into my hands as if they'll keep the embers of my soul warm

[anathuthia]

hey. look at me. star gathering is the miracle of the night. gather a small and a large star to gain an eternal wish. all your problems will be solved, claire's memory will be restored. all you have to do is gather two stars! that's all!

[anathuthia]

sometimes I consider that nothing on earth matters at all. my life, yours, all of anything will never change everything. it doesn't matter how miniscule the chance of us existing is, because we exist exactly as we are somewhere else. it's the cosmological principle. homogeneity, everything is the same, nothing is special.

and what is that knowledge supposed to do for me? whether I live or die has no meaning, so should I live however I want? how far does anyone deserve to be allowed to go with that? what risks should I take? it doesn't honestly matter how much I contemplate that because regardless I'll still go about life in compliance with routine. I don't have energy for anything else. I love nothing, and love is the only thing that could make me change myself or routine.

the solution to these thoughts that feel too big for what I am (a small, fragmented piece of an even smaller theorized whole, an avatar of emotion and of fear) is always, every time, music. I enjoy all sorts of art, I really do, but absolutely nothing is like music. music feels like...hmm.

music feels like energy. the bloodstream of my emotions has no heart to pump it. everything sits in murky, tainted darkness, fading, but music is electricity to it. music wakes it all up. music allows me to feel something.

so far, I only know this to be true for me of listening to music, but this inability to feel things is a problem that pervades by its nature, and I've dealt with it before by creating music. I've dealt with intense feelings before in the same way. I wonder if there's a song I could write that could fix everything. maybe that's the answer that feels just out of reach lately. maybe that's the important thing I've been feeling like I've forgotten

[anathuthia]

I need to enjoy things again. maybe next year I guess

[anathuthia]

I don't know how I managed to get sick so suddenly? I was fine yesterday (not fine exactly, a little ill but we're always a little ill) but now I feel like there's needles in my throat and my nose is filled with gasoline or something

[anathuthia]

"half" is such a good song for no reason. genuinely. I listen to it and it's just good and other than the key and the familiarity I can't tell why. maybe it's just the key and the familiarity

[anathuthia]

would kill to make fried donuts right now. eat them, less so, but I do like making them a lot. they smell nice and the inevitable oil burn distracts me from the burn in my soul

[anathuthia]

nobody loves me and you think that's me exaggerating and going 'woe is me' and the like but literally nobody loves me. it's unfair