#out loud thoughts

[madscientistjenn]

My ex boyfriend and ex friends really gave me the kind of trauma that took me off of Tumblr for years and now I avoid it for weeks once I do use it because im afraid of developing any type of relationship with anyone but also notice this place feels like a ghost town in comparison to what it used to be so idek how to navigate it anymore

Note: ex friends were not traumatic. I just have made great friends on here and am in a very "I want a small circle because im tired of friendships ending" period of my life

[madscientistjenn]

wild yeast starters made from cheongs/fermented syrups

note to self

[madscientistjenn]

I used to be on tumblr all the time

now i find myself pre writing posts in my notebook so I can properly format them because suddenly I have more than nothing to say and I want nothing more than to be... understood well

but its crazy cuz like id just make a post that said ass and post it and forget about it at one point

crazy how we evolve i guess

[madscientistjenn]

I am returning to Tumblr because, honestly, when everyone takes advantage of "I need to protect MY peace" and "i dont owe anyone anything" you get this situation im in: a few friends with poor mental health take time off from social media and in particular, responding to messages

Which is fine and well within their right. I take it personally when I am being sent hundreds of reels and videos weekly from these people on different platforms, but continual ghosting in perpetuate. They did not delete the messaging app. They are actively ignoring.

The other issue is completely disappearing (they are a chronically ill person and ha e the rigjt to disappear, they let me know and i understand. The disappearing is not the problem) everywhere for months and coming back like everything is ok, not trying to catch up or anything. Ok with getting asked every question about how theyre doing but never returning the question.

That never sat right with me and I think it never will

We went so far in one direction that these interactions no longer actually make sense. It takes a village but the village is dying because everyone wants to benefit from one but no one wants to do the work of being a community.

So this year I will start just... write things down. Catalog. Take note. Maybe connect with people, but mostly... archive

[rowsandrowsofnothing]

Sometimes I wonder what the people who followed me before I started posting fanfic think of who I am now on their timelines

[bigbattt]

I kinda do miss creating for a fandom.

Like I did with undertale. But it felt more like a performance at some point and like if I didn’t draw just that than anything else I put out was less of value. But I mean, if I BUILT a reputation off being (mainly) a UT/AU artist, what’s there to expect? Ya know? I got used to that attention. So if it went gone, what was the point of anything other than what I made for fandom purposes?

The time out period I had with doing art was a lesson learned in a process. Im not just creating for just people anymore but im creating for ME TOO. Back to what I ENJOY... not just go make others happy or keep their attention. And I also learned in the process that I needed to honor God with the gift of creativity he gave me. Just drew for everyone else ( and technically for myself- considering that’s what it’s still considered-) and was selfish by not creating a single piece for him. He was the one who gave me the patience and passion for it, with the ability to imagine and create. It was a big umph to the heart that day when I realized while going through shower thoughts. It wasn’t fair to just focus on myself- I needed to worship God with my gifts too.

And I also just been thinking a lot. If I get back into this, really being part of the fandom again instead of spectating anymore, I want to create with love and enjoyment. Not force or burnout. And obviously with a different mindset now when it comes to the attention.

[c0rroded-c0ffin]

i have what is possibly one of the busiest and most nerve-wracking weeks of my life next week and my brain just wants to combust lol

[c0rroded-c0ffin]

im so bad at processing emotions like someone will do me wrong and at first i’ll be like “haha yeah no worries!!” until it clicks three days later that actually im really mad about it